Major fallout with dad over a birthday card

[lilly0102]

Tensions with my dad reached fever pitch and I lost my temper with him yesterday on his birthday.
I've been going through a hard time at work and in life and he text me on Friday saying hope you remembered to get me a birthday card ( I forgot once one year 4 years ago )
Yesterday morning I went to get him one after I dropped DD at school. At 1pm I had passive aggressive text saying you haven't sent me a text or posted my birthday card yet.
So I felt really miffed as the day isn't over at 1pm said I would drop it off and come over after I picked DD up.
I gave the card to my dad and he opened it the look on his face because there was no money or giftcard inside (I'm skint and dad earns more than 50k)
DD went to the loo and Dad just started to let rip at me.
So I let rip back ,
There's a past of abuse in my family , it's very dysfunctional and if I question my dad he accuses me of being mad like my mother (they divorced mum has mental illness so I stayed with him until I moved out when I was 17 when his bullying became too much I remind him the most of my mother out of the three of us ) my brother is my dad's favourite and grandson he doesn't even try to hide it, he sees DD a few times a year and has babysat her twice in 7 years after
this row my dad told me to get out and my DD burst into tears.

I feel bad about arguing with my dad on his birthday. I'm now frightened my dad is going to tell my siblings he will twist it and make out I'm mad and just like my mother.

I'm feeling very sad today, I'm not sure how to heal the resentment I feel towards him and the rift.

My dad is like this. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year and have zero regrets

It reads a bit as if you did it purposefully.

Aw these poor abusive men needing birthday texts and chocolates

Both your dad and brother sound deeply unpleasant. Just because they are family there is no need to be around them. It also sounds toxic for your child to be around.

You’d be much better of using the time you spend on him, on cultivating great friendships or starting a new hobby or spending time with your immediate family. Swop the shite for something great. Good luck OP. Don’t feel guilty, leave them to their nasty ways.

I think low contact would be best , you only have to read some threads on here some adults act like 3 year olds when it comes to there birthday.

Sulking about a card and expecting a present strangely lots of people are like that . As an adult for the life of me can't understand why.

To be honest I've been slowly distancing myself anyway and I think my dad senses it hence the kicking off . DHs family are lovely and kind. He definitely did not have a childhood like mine it was full of love and care my MIL is an amazing woman DD has a wonderful relationship with PILs.

@CalleighDoodle - why should OP buy her father a present? He’s a grown man behaving like a petulant child.

What would you be like if he hadn’t got you a card or sent a message on the day of your birthday? That’s the important thing

My parents entirely forgot my birthday a couple of years ago. I am an actual adult, so I rolled my eyes, told myself to get over it, and teased them about having dementia. They were mortified, we are all still good friends.

Your father, on the other hand, is an actual arsehole. Does being in contact with him add anything to your life? (genuine question)

I wouldn't care if he didn't get me either especially not a milestone birthday , I'm an adult now , maybe a text at some point in the day would be nice, but I find cards clutter the house and don't look nice.

Everything @puds11 said.
Plus do something nice for you and your daughter.

Did your dads bullying cause your mums mental illness? Living under stress with an abuser can cause severe mental damage. I hope she got the help she needed. I think you should concentrate on your lovely in laws and dump this lot!

I would much rather he made an effort with DD, instead of seeing her hardly ever and never coming to see us although I live 15 minutes away

I work long shifts and was working the entire weekend and my dad knows this.

He does sound awful, OP, and your relationship sounds dysfunctional. But this is a crap excuse for not buying him a card. Either buy on one of the 365 days after his last birthday and post it when you’re not working or don’t send one at all and own your decision.

You both sound like you rub each other up the wrong way. This is me and my brother. He's 68 and still goes on about his birthday like a big child. I try to avoid him where I can but birthdays he generally reminds me of what I haven't done ( which is never enough). He insists on getting me a Xmas present despite me saying I don't do presents for adults about 5 years ago. Sometimes gifts can be used as a bullying device. Just put distance between you where possible.

I find cards clutter the house and don't look nice.

You know you can take them down once it’s no longer your birthday, right?

My mum had issues before but my father definitely did not help her he shamed her about it and tried to brush it under the carpet.
He was controlling and domineering with her , after she was discharged from hospital it was expected she should go back to normal and she was expected to look after my sister brother and me with no support or aftercare. Dad went back to work and he wanted his dinner on the table

Did the card have a big badge on it with “5 today!” on?

He’s a cock.

I think any person over 30 who is so needy about a birthday isn’t worth knowing. You need to look after yourself, your mental health and the mental health of your daughter, which means lowering the amount of contact you have with people who make you feel bad.

How is your mother now?

He did over exaggerate loads & was out of order reminding you about getting him a card but at the same time I also think it's a bit shitty not to send a txt at least. He's your dad & it takes a few seconds. Even if I was dropping a card round my dads after the school run I'd still send a txt so he knew I was thinking of him. Just my opinion OP, but maybe your relationship & family history changes things.

Mum is ok, living in a little flat has a social worker and MH nurse she's up and down but genuinely well within herself.
Our relationship has repaired a lot , I understand she can't be the mother I wanted or needed but I accept it . I work within MH myself now so I understand her a lot better.

My DDad wouldn't have given a tinkers rap if I hadn't given him a birthday card! You have to knock this on the head and go NC. It hurts for a long while and then suddenly you realise you are actually standing in a pool of warm light!

Look up narcissism. You will see him writ large OP.

OP, he sounds like a nasty bully.

How about you give yourself permission to let it go.

He is not a source of joy.

Your poor mother.

Focus on your supports.
Your husband.
Your lovely MIL.
Your DD.

Move on.

You can't change him or your past.
Focus on a positive future.
💐

I'm mad and just like my mother.

Your mother had a mental illness, she was not "mad", if your siblings believe his diagnosis of you being "mad" because you stood up for yourself when he shouted at you for not giving him mkney, then they deserve to be cut out your life aswell.