Living with in-laws hell

[pinkflower20]

Hello everyone,

I'm really upset and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't even know if I'm looking for a solution or just want to rant. A bit of both actually, and I was wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing,.

I'll try to simplify this all, but sorry if it's long.

I moved in with my in-laws a few months ago.
I didn't want to move in but we had to for financial reasons. I was upset about it when we decided to leave, but my husband assured me that everything would be fine, and that things would stay the same between us. I was mostly concerned with decreasing time between us, him always wanting to spend time with them, and also our sex life, as well as them dictating when we do in our spare time, and giving him jobs to do. I wanted to be able to look after him as well - by making him breakfast on the weekend and cooking for him. He reassured me that everything would be ok, and that if there were any issues he would resolve them and make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike his parents, but I'm finding it really hard to live with them.

Our sex life is ok, and has't really changed. But the amount of time I spend with him has. It's not really quality time, and it's nearly always interrupted by his parents having to talk to us about something or needing him to do a DIY task around the house.
We don't have time just to relax with eachother, in the mornings after waking up we used to chat but now he just runs up and is offered breakfast by his parents and takes it up. I feel sad because as we both work we used to have breakfast together on the weekend and I used to make it for him. Now I'm worried that whatever is cooked by anyone else he'll want to eat and I won't have that feeling of pride anymore.
I feel as though I can't look after him as much as I would like to. I've spoken to him about this and he doesn't understand. He thinks I just want him to eat the same thing as me. In a way yes I do, because I think it's nice to do that, but it's also nice to feed someone and relax over food. Now we hardly eat together, and his mum expects to cook and clean for him, and my father in law told me 'well realistically how much time will you get to cook anyway because you are studying after work'. Which isn't really fair as that's my business.

I feel irritated as well because there was an incident where my father in law thought I wasn't home and came into the bedroom without knocking ( he wanted to speak to my husband). Normally we lock the door but hadn't that time. I felt irritated and told my husband this, but he said that don't worry these things happen, and I said no not really - I could have been getting changed.

The washing machine hadn't been plugged in and I left our washing downstairs in front of the machine, waiting for father in law to wake up and plug it in for me. Meanwhile I went out, and when I came back the washing was sorted out - some clothes had been taken out and set aside - and mother in laws had added clothes and she had put the wash load on. I told them both later that they should have just left it, and what they suggested to me was to not leave it downstairs as they like to be extra helpful. I just feel uncomfortable because I didn't leave it there for fun. I was waiting for them, and i feel like I should be able to leave things without them being touched as it's my home as well. This also happened with a bag of toiletries and shampoo items I had. They had sorted them out into boxes for me, and didn't even understand that I just wanted them left there. I mean I don't go through there things and as soon as I ask them not to its "im sorry we were just being helpful". Which I understand but they keep doing it and my husband doesn't take my side.

I have a house cat as well, and my in-laws always make comments about how he's bored inside and should be outside chasing mice.
When they know that I have a phobia of mice because they are dirty. Me and my husband decided that he would be an indoor cat - I've told them this and to please stop making comments about this, ,but they don't stop. It's irritating me and I feel like just giving my cat away,

My food had also been eaten, and that was my lunch for the week which I pre-brought. I was irritated because the main items such as bread eggs and milk, sharing that is ok, but stuff that I use individually every day is not, as I'll have to go out and buy that again because I'll need it for lunch at work.
It's irritating though.. for example if I buy a packet of crisps and dip to eat on a day when i want to relax and watch a film, and its already half eaten and gobbled it puts me off.
As usual husband didn't understand and just said to me don't worry i'll just get more. I said its not about that, its about convenience, I buy this stuff so I don't have to go and buy it everyday after work because that's a waste of time.

I'm just used to my own personal space, and own clean kitchen and not seeing them everyday. I dread going downstairs now - I spend most of my time in my room.

I feel upset because I feel like he spends all his time doing jobs with his dad or drinking tea with his parents. There's never any time to have a coffee with me anymore... it just seems like they are favoured the most. I feel really upset here and I want to leave but we don't have enough money. My in-laws have said that they'll buy my husband a house after a year, I know it's generous of them but i` don't really want to owe them any favours, they may however buy one right next door which I don't want. I'm not sure when they'll buy also, it's meant to be in a years time - but what scares me is if were stuck here for longer than a year. I just don't know what to do.

I just feel like second best and can't seem to get comfortable here. I don't feel like myself and I don't know how to feel better as no one is listening to me or caring about how I feel, I feel really trapped. I really love my husband but he seems to be blinded. I feel like a piece of fluff on the side. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don't actually have any children yet, and I have no friends and family to visit. I can't seem to make any too, have tried online etc. Honestly I feel so upset and it's not getting better.

Op have you ever house shared before? as a student or similar?
There has to be a huge amount of give and take from all parties.
I have had (and still have) sons and their partners live with us while they save for a home of their own.
My advice is calm down, they sound like nice people, just tell yourself that it won't last for ever and your living there is a means to an end.
I can tell you it is not easy having a younger couple house sharing with you especially when you overhear their rows (and have to pretend you haven't heard) Wet washing left in the machine then resentment when you've hung it up as you didn't want it going smelly/wanted to use the machine!!
See there are two sides to every story.
How about you offer to cook everyone breakfast at the weekend, I'm sure your MIL would be relieved not to have to do it.Likewise dinner some evenings.
You have to realise they are doing you a favour, your situation could be a lot worse, think about it and try not to sweat the small stuff.

Your husband probably doesn’t spend much time with you as you said yourself you just hide in your room. I would find it so rude if my DH stayed upstairs hiding from my parents if we were living with them. They’re family. It’s out of line in my opinion. I would definitely expect to eat with them too and I know my DM would be delighted to have us there to spend time with. If my DH was being as rude as you I would be very upset.

Your whole cooking thing is odd. One of your list of things your IL have done ‘wrong’ is telling you that you are too busy too cook anyway with your course - but then you say yourself in one of your posts that you’re very busy and your course is intense. So what’s the issue? Very odd.

Why don;t you buy a caravan and put it on their drive...live in that for a while.You get independance and somewhere cheap to live...you can pick up a nice one for about 1000 quid. do some bartering on the facebook selling sites maybe get one even cheaper..they could be open to lending you the money it would only be 2 months rent. You could do your own washing and showering and cooking and cleaning in it...weird solution but you never know it could give you back your space,husband and peace of mind....

You sound like a dickhead. You're in debt and can't afford to live on your own. You're living with other people in their home so have some respect. You don't need to make him food. If his mum wants to do it or he wants to do it that's fine. Feeding him doesn't define you as a wife.

Enjoy it for what it is. Respect and appreciative what his parents are doing for you and next year when you can afford it, move out.

You said earlier that you love these people, OP. Could you not sit down with your MIL or PIL one day and tell them that, though you love them and are very grateful for their help in putting you up, you're struggling? Tell them that it's hard to feel like a couple at the moment, and would it be possible for you to occasionally have the kitchen to yourself to cook for your husband? Or go out just with him?

If they're fond of you too, and want your marriage to work, then surely they might see that there's a problem if they let their son basically just chat to them and take them everywhere with you?
As long as they understand that it's not personal, and you show care and gratitude for them, it might be a talk worth having.

Seriously I think people are being really hard on the OP. She simply wants some independence. How many people here would willingly live with their in-laws for so long, and have no control over the simple things like making your own breakfast and doing your own washing?

And no, she's NOT living there for free. £400 a month isn't a vast amount but nor is it nothing. I think paying anything gives her some rights (for want of a better word).

I really would hate it, and I adored my inlaws, who were very easy people to be around.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been getting used to the changes from being in my own place. I’ve got used to MIL cooking some meals now and eating with everyone.
I’ve been friendly with everyone as well.
The only thing is that my husband doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do for him anymore, it’s honestly like I don’t exist. He doesn’t chat to me anymore or isn’t affectionate . He doesn’t want to go out and do anything or is moody when I suggest it (ironic as before we moved here he said we’d go out a good few times a week.) All he wants to do is have ‘family time’ with everyone everyday for all of the evening. I don’t understand why he can’t just give me an hour or so of him time in the evening! I feel like he’s got so used to being a son in the house that I’m not a big part of his life anymore

I get where you're coming from OP.

Your dh has basically reverted to being a child again. He doesn't want your company but strangely enough your sex life is just as active.
I'd be annoyed too.
You don't have an in law problem you have a husband problem.

Talk to him and tell him you would like 1 day at the weekend when it's just the 2 of you. And the other day you can spend with his parents.
Ask him how he would feel in your parents home if you ignored him most of the time and spent all your spare time with your parents.
Your in-laws seem well meaning but are probably insensitive to a young married couple who should be getting some space.

I’d hate it too. My in laws are lovely, but I go mad if I stay with them for more than a few days. It’s a territory thing, and I can’t be myself. If you are trying to save money, you’ve got to look at the end goal - and put up with this as they are doing you a big favour. Either that, or use a website like spareroom to find accommodation for £400 a month.

And I wouldn’t plug in my in-laws machine. They’d have a ‘system’ or rules that I don’t know about. If I go in the kitchen - I can tell they feel uncomfortable if I touch anything! My in laws are probably much older than yours but it’s DEFINITELY a territory thing.

And I also sit there seething as DP turns into their little boy again, and his mum runs about making him a cooked breakfast. He laps it up! Can you just focus intently on your course while all this is going on?

What type of work will you be doing and what type of work does he do? How long was he off sick for work?

I get what you are saying. You feel like his parents are meeting most of his needs and you're there just for sex.

Bet they are loving having their golden boy back. I imagine they are being very ‘nice’ to you - but with that undertone of ‘is she making our son happy/having your actions analysed’.

And I get completely sidelined when I visit. I am the nanny and facilitator of their sons happiness. This is why I can put up with only a max of 3 days.

What does your husband do to feel ‘husbandly’? I can’t help feeling that women who need to cook and do washing for their husbands to feel wifely while studying and training are going to be the women working and running after the kids and doing everything for the dh too and exhausted and frustrated as the only functioning adult in the family. I’d rather be a team. My husband cooks for me.

You really need to list the issues op and work out if ANY are real or the whole problem is you.

• don’t like a cat in the house. If I let an animal stay in my house it would be a massive enormous favour to you and I’d hate every minute of it. An animal walking around my house and on my furniture - ugh. You just need to accept they feel that way, be grateful they are letting you stay and practice saying calmly it’s an indoor cat.
• If you leave your washing by the machine they will wash it. And you left your washing by the machine and they washed it. Get a hamper. Leave your washing in it in your room/bathroom. Remind yourself you know how this set up works and your own fault if you accidentally leave it by the machine and it gets washed.

Ditto leaving things around. You do have yo ur own living room! Ditto not having your own space - you have your own living room! As for desperate to cook hubby’s breakfast- try being a normal person, discuss with husband and in laws how you two can cook dinner for everyone once a week. -eating your food. Get a box in your own living room for crisps etc. So far while I’m sure it’s a little annoying these problems all sound like you need to get a grip. Your dh should be more sympathetic but it must be hard when you are coming across as nutso and impossible to please. If you work on these and your dh still doesn’t want to go out for coffee or a walk with you every now and then it’s diffeeent and you should just move out on your own as your husband doesn’t like you.

They don't sound awful people but it's the age old problem of two women sharing a home and kitchen and yanbu to hate it. I would too, however nice they actually are.

Your problem is dh. He's comfortable as it's his family and his old home. He has no reason to change unless you can make him see that it's making you unhappy. If he can't or won't consider your needs and wants, then maybe it's time to get out of the relationship before you have children and are really trapped.
I suspect that some of this is cultural but you both need to adapt your lives to make it work if you can't afford to move out.

You need to spell your unhappiness out clearly and see if he can compromise. You have the space to be a little more self contained. Get a mini fridge, toaster, kettle, microwave and maybe a cheap hob and agree to live virtually separately from his parents in your livingroom and bedroom. If you get some privacy and time commitment from him then you shouldn't mind when he "visits" his parents.

If you don't set boundaries now, nothing will change in the future but they sure can get worse if they consistently trample on your boundaries. Dh is your problem at the moment. Concentrate on him.

Why were you waiting for your FIL to plug in the washing machine?

It sounds as if you are expecting to treat the house like your own. Hard for two couples to share a home and kitchen... and it's hard for me to judge if you in laws are really being helpful or not...

They are doing you a massive favour by having you to stay, and you don't sound very grateful...

@timeisnotaline

That’s the thing! We have our own living room, so when we spend time with his family they come and sit with us (which is all
Fine). However they end up seeing this as something they can do all the time, so will always just be in there, so that’s why I’m eager for husband to want to do something with me.

I have worked on the food sharing issue and the cooking issues and they are ok now. And there’s been no conflicts and I haven’t criticised them in any way for weeks. but husband seems to have forgotten about my existence 😂

Then you need to get dh to tell them you need some privacy. This is a dh problem. It will get worse when you have kids.

How long have you been married?

He has moved back in with his parents and seems to have reverted to childhood. In your shoes I would be looking at an exit strategy.

How long until your training is finished? That would be the point to start looking to get out both of this house and your marriage.

you do sound very young and as if you have had a sheltered life.

and as if you have never had to face the harsh realities of life.
apologies if this is incorrect. anyway you cannot be other than you are. is your area of study science related; someone once commented that the task of the humanities was to humanise us. there's something in that.
could you try to build your circle of interest and support a little wider. what about your training, are there any other women there that you could share a study evening with.
it seemed odd that you wanted your husband to eat the same food as you; i could understand wanting to eat with him more, but i think you need to try to behave more like a daughter in the house. all cook and eat together, stop hiding away.

you say you enjoy cooking, could you share your expertise with your husband, to extend his skills and confidence, do something together and make a joint offering to PILs, as you tell them to sit down and await you and hubby cooking for and serving them.
this would also help him grow beyond being their little boy again; he can begin to identify with the responsibilities of caring for others, ie being an adult, so important if he will be a parent one day.
and for the same reason i really think you need to get beyond this idea of waiting upon him. its not healthy and its not sustainable.
if you are training presumably you will be doing a job of work, so why should you wait upon him. if you have children, do you want to be left doing everything domestically, for the children, and job of work outside the home. thats not noble, its breakdown.
if you want to be a 1950s housewife, you should stay at home, let your husband pay for everything, and take responsibility for everything, while you devote yourself to home=making, cooking, child-rearing, knitting, charity lunches, jam-making, and pressing his shirts.
that's a full time job in itself. or how about working together, building a team, sharing fairly and equally the interesting and the boring tasks, laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc. good luck.