Living with in-laws hell

[pinkflower20]

Hello everyone,

I'm really upset and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't even know if I'm looking for a solution or just want to rant. A bit of both actually, and I was wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing,.

I'll try to simplify this all, but sorry if it's long.

I moved in with my in-laws a few months ago.
I didn't want to move in but we had to for financial reasons. I was upset about it when we decided to leave, but my husband assured me that everything would be fine, and that things would stay the same between us. I was mostly concerned with decreasing time between us, him always wanting to spend time with them, and also our sex life, as well as them dictating when we do in our spare time, and giving him jobs to do. I wanted to be able to look after him as well - by making him breakfast on the weekend and cooking for him. He reassured me that everything would be ok, and that if there were any issues he would resolve them and make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike his parents, but I'm finding it really hard to live with them.

Our sex life is ok, and has't really changed. But the amount of time I spend with him has. It's not really quality time, and it's nearly always interrupted by his parents having to talk to us about something or needing him to do a DIY task around the house.
We don't have time just to relax with eachother, in the mornings after waking up we used to chat but now he just runs up and is offered breakfast by his parents and takes it up. I feel sad because as we both work we used to have breakfast together on the weekend and I used to make it for him. Now I'm worried that whatever is cooked by anyone else he'll want to eat and I won't have that feeling of pride anymore.
I feel as though I can't look after him as much as I would like to. I've spoken to him about this and he doesn't understand. He thinks I just want him to eat the same thing as me. In a way yes I do, because I think it's nice to do that, but it's also nice to feed someone and relax over food. Now we hardly eat together, and his mum expects to cook and clean for him, and my father in law told me 'well realistically how much time will you get to cook anyway because you are studying after work'. Which isn't really fair as that's my business.

I feel irritated as well because there was an incident where my father in law thought I wasn't home and came into the bedroom without knocking ( he wanted to speak to my husband). Normally we lock the door but hadn't that time. I felt irritated and told my husband this, but he said that don't worry these things happen, and I said no not really - I could have been getting changed.

The washing machine hadn't been plugged in and I left our washing downstairs in front of the machine, waiting for father in law to wake up and plug it in for me. Meanwhile I went out, and when I came back the washing was sorted out - some clothes had been taken out and set aside - and mother in laws had added clothes and she had put the wash load on. I told them both later that they should have just left it, and what they suggested to me was to not leave it downstairs as they like to be extra helpful. I just feel uncomfortable because I didn't leave it there for fun. I was waiting for them, and i feel like I should be able to leave things without them being touched as it's my home as well. This also happened with a bag of toiletries and shampoo items I had. They had sorted them out into boxes for me, and didn't even understand that I just wanted them left there. I mean I don't go through there things and as soon as I ask them not to its "im sorry we were just being helpful". Which I understand but they keep doing it and my husband doesn't take my side.

I have a house cat as well, and my in-laws always make comments about how he's bored inside and should be outside chasing mice.
When they know that I have a phobia of mice because they are dirty. Me and my husband decided that he would be an indoor cat - I've told them this and to please stop making comments about this, ,but they don't stop. It's irritating me and I feel like just giving my cat away,

My food had also been eaten, and that was my lunch for the week which I pre-brought. I was irritated because the main items such as bread eggs and milk, sharing that is ok, but stuff that I use individually every day is not, as I'll have to go out and buy that again because I'll need it for lunch at work.
It's irritating though.. for example if I buy a packet of crisps and dip to eat on a day when i want to relax and watch a film, and its already half eaten and gobbled it puts me off.
As usual husband didn't understand and just said to me don't worry i'll just get more. I said its not about that, its about convenience, I buy this stuff so I don't have to go and buy it everyday after work because that's a waste of time.

I'm just used to my own personal space, and own clean kitchen and not seeing them everyday. I dread going downstairs now - I spend most of my time in my room.

I feel upset because I feel like he spends all his time doing jobs with his dad or drinking tea with his parents. There's never any time to have a coffee with me anymore... it just seems like they are favoured the most. I feel really upset here and I want to leave but we don't have enough money. My in-laws have said that they'll buy my husband a house after a year, I know it's generous of them but i` don't really want to owe them any favours, they may however buy one right next door which I don't want. I'm not sure when they'll buy also, it's meant to be in a years time - but what scares me is if were stuck here for longer than a year. I just don't know what to do.

I just feel like second best and can't seem to get comfortable here. I don't feel like myself and I don't know how to feel better as no one is listening to me or caring about how I feel, I feel really trapped. I really love my husband but he seems to be blinded. I feel like a piece of fluff on the side. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don't actually have any children yet, and I have no friends and family to visit. I can't seem to make any too, have tried online etc. Honestly I feel so upset and it's not getting better.

@Pricklypear12

I feel as though if I talk with them all then H will just take their side and I won't be supported.

The only things I can suggest are:

-speak to OH - maybe show him this thread??

-have a sit down conversation with everyone where you all talk about your feelings and lay down some boundaries

-spend more time with each other our of the house such as meals or trips out

-maybe try a nice couples holiday if affordable to remind OH of what it's like to be alone together and reignite the spark

-for some part you may just have to put up with things as at the end of the day it isn't your house and you may just have to wait until you can move out

-find elsewhere to rent. If you're paying £400 then I'm sure you could find somewhere that's similar such as a flat or apartment? Depending on where you live...

-Have a certain time of day that's just time for you and OH to spend time together alone in private eg after dinner in the evening

I assume you’re living rent free at your in-laws.
This is allowing you to train, and your DH to pay off debts.
You sound ungrateful, spoilt and a bad house guest actually. It isn’t your home. It’s their home, and they’ve welcomed you and your DH in, as a favour to you both.
Damn right your DH can help with odd jobs. so could you to be honest.

You sound like a right moaning pain the the arse

OP - I get that if is annoying and you want to vent. But they are Likely doing you a big favour because the rent/bills/council tax is probably less than you renting. If you did rent, then the cheapest may be HMO with shared kitchen, bathroom and no living room with no room for pet - so maybe compare your current living arrangement with that. Also, maybe realise that the alternative to in laws helping you get a property is renting for longer - so less disposable income? Maybe you would prefer this - a discussion to have with your DH then?

How did it come about that they are buying dh a house? Are you allowed to live in it??

No, User, RTFT, they're paying £400 a month.

@pinkflower20 Do you feel youve moved in because of genuine financial reasons or do you think it was a bit of pressure on your DH to live with parents?

Having experienced this from the other side, it’s not a bundle of laughs for your in-laws either. My son and his partner lived with us for 10 months, it was not easy, we got another fridge freezer so they could have their own space, cleared out a kitchen cupboard for their other foodstuffs , they had their own bedroom and living room. Even with that they seemed totally in our space, they wanted to sit in “our sitting room” didn’t wash up after them so we had to wash dishes before we could cook tried to organise an informal rota for using the kitchen this didn’t work so we ended up doing all the cooking. They disappeared upstairs with mugs, plates etc and didn’t bring them back down. Spent so long in the shower we ended up getting mould in the bathroom. Everyone has their own way of living and trying to accommodate another couples different way of living is hard. It sounds like they are trying to include you both by making food, throwing your washing in the machine etc but you are trying to keep your distance and your DH seems to think mucking in with other people you live with is the best way to deal with things and is probably a bit baffled.
We didn’t charge our visitors anything beyond a small contribution to extra heating bills, originally they bought their own food as well. I would do it again if I absolutely had to but god it was hard and my son’s partner ( they subsequently split up nothing to do with us) did nothing but bad mouth us ( we found out later) for all our efforts.

If you’re moaning about everything the way it sounds, I would imagine your DJ is starting to dislike you

It’s hard living with other people but it’s their home and you have to fit in with them as far as you can. They really don’t sound that bad. You said ‘hell’ in your op.

I do think it’s madness to move in with your in-laws though unless it’s very temporary.

Tbf I can’t see what the problem is with your in-laws. They sound nice and are willing to cook, clean and do your washing while you save up for a house. It could be worse, you could have zero contact with the in-laws and be in some crappy hostel or b&b while getting your finances together. Just suck it up and thank them for offering a roof over your heads.

So they're letting you live in their home while you dont get paid, your husband is working and paying for you, and you begrudge them helping you by doing the washing you left? I think they're really being helpful, seeing you working and studying they'll think you're too busy. From what you've said they're treating you exactly like their son - so treating you like a part of their family.

Theres a reason it costs less to share living space. Because the actual cost is in being flexible and realizing it's not just your house. Is this not fairly obvious to you? You are studying and your husband is in debt, so you're sharing living space, which includes- you know - sharing. Sharing is annoying. Which is why it is cheaper...

You sound really really young and extremely unaware of what a real problem is.

Get some friends, get out of the house, focus on yourself and try not to whine so much. Your happiness is your responsibility, not that of your husband or ILs. They are relaxing in their own home. If you think your husband is being distant, all the more reason to reconnect with friends.

If you want to ensure your husband doesnt want to be around you - then by all means, keep whingeing at him about how he ought to change everything he does in order to amuse you... I'm sure that will send him running into your arms

Oh OP, I sympathise. Your ILs sound perfectly pleasant but it must be hard on you, living as a guest in their house for so long with no end date. You naturally want your own home with just your husband, but in this current situation he has returned to son mode and you perhaps feel that you don't really have a role in the household.

It''s kind of your ILs to host you but it doesn't sound great for your marriage in the long term. Would your husband agree to aim for you both to be living independently at a certain point in the future - say, by June? If there is a definite end-point in sight, it might be more bearable all round.

It all seems pretty petty and high maintenance tbh, remember you are living in their house!

400 a month isn't too bad if it covers all the bills too, you could move out and rent somewhere but it will be small. You could work a few hours a week, your problem is that your dh sounds like he is quite enjoying spending time with his parents. Have you offered to make dinner for everyone, help out with the housework, shopping and stuff like that. Buy a fridge for your sitting room, put a lock on the doors ro your rooms if they are happy with that. Maybe constantly moaning about his parents is upsetting your dh.

I can’t get past this pride you get out of skivvying for your husband; does he cook for you too?

Let me tell you something, whenever I hear women say they enjoy doing all the housework, or it’s easier to do it all themselves or whatever reason they give, I want to shake them. You might start like that, but you’re setting an expectation and the man in your life will start to feel entitled to it, you’ll resent him at some point, like when you’ve just come out of hospital after giving birth and he asks you what’s for dinner, and he will lose respect for you and not see you as an equal.

I think you need to have a serious chat with DH. Tell him exactly how you're feeling, just what you've told us. You want more quality time with him, you're feeling second best and lonely, you miss taking care of him, you specifically need him to decline breakfast/meals with PIL and have some with you sometimes.

I would leave the other matters aside for the time being, myself, though. I understand how frustrating and even a bit degrading it feels to have someone's mum doing your washing etc for you, but it seems they are only trying to be accommodating.

However I do think it's intrusive that your FIL entered your private room thinking you weren't there. You're paying rent, so you should have the expectation that others won't enter your room without your knowledge, IMO, evwn if it's their house. Why would he go in there?

That said, I do think you may have to leave the other issues, at least for a while. I doubt your DH will want to address those things with his parents, as he likely feels they are already doing you both a massive favour.

If you can get some privacy back in your relationship - more one on one time - do you think that will ease the stress of some of the other issues?

@Iflyaway I mean that the plugsocket is behind the machine

Yea, mine too.... yawn. I'm a solo mum so have to deal with everything myself... :-)

I’m in a similar situation myself at the moment, so your post resonates with me. I feel guilty for complaining because I’m being provided with a place to live while we search for our own house, but it’s really quite a struggle for me. Like you say, it’s the lack of boundaries that irks me.

We’re just recently married, so I’m wanting time alone with DH and I don’t get much. FIL is on top of him asking about his day the second he walks in the door. FIL makes the suppers and he always has little jobs for DH to do. It’s so trying to live in someone else’s home. It’s almost like the dynamic of them being the parents and you being the child. FIL is very accommodating overall, but I just want a bit of distance.

I know it’s not forever, and I am thankful for the help, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. DH sympathises, but doesn’t quite get it as he’s happy living here. I don’t feel I have a right to complain about it, so I don’t openly except with DH sometimes. But yes, it’s a bit hellish!

So your annoyances are that they keep cooking for you, cleaning up after you, they’re saving up to buy you a house, and they expect your oh to do some odd jobs while he’s living there. What utter bastards!

You can't have your cake and eat it.

I get your frustration, I do! I lived with my mum for a short time after me and my DD father split, I would hide my washing because she would shrink everything, but she always found it, I couldn't bath, feed, change my daughter because every time I went to it had miraculously been done in the two seconds it took me to fetch a nappy. As for the no dummy rule...I would find them stashed in cupboards and wrappers in the bin and it drove me mad! I was like a sister to my baby not a mother! HOWEVER, your husband is an adult! Why on earth are you moaning about not looking after him? Why where you looking after him in the first place? He is an adult! If he wants to revert back to being a child (and they mostly do around their mothers) they bloody let him! You work, study etc, why do you care if the laundry is done when you get home! Send her round to mine she can do my washing!

I get that your pissed off that you have no time alone, but your living with his parents, that was inevitable. So you like to eat breakfast together on the weekends, go the local cafe! You need to tell your husband that he needs to make more effort, you are living with your parents so you need some alone time. TBH I thought this would all be pretty obvious

I'd hate it. I absolutely need my space and privacy, and early in a marriage, of coffee you want time alone with your husband.

Having said that, your in-laws aren't really doing much wrong. Remember that their lives are changed by having you around, too.

You say you have a living room each. That's quite a luxury. Maybe you need to say to your husband that you want some time together in your room, for you to enjoy your own company.
You really need to put across to him that is different for him as they're HIS parents. He's bound to feel more comfortable there then you are.

Of course, not "of coffee"!

I think living with other people is always hard but you are coming across as very whiney and petty. And I really don't get the food thing. If you want to make him b breakfast, then just go and make breakfast. Or even better, make breakfast for everyone. Ditto dinner. while your DH is eating with his parents what are you doing? Hiding in your room? It sounds like you want them to leave the house so that you can make dinner and serve your DH in peace. But that's not practical, because there are four of you living int he house.

I bet your MIL could come on here with a post about how DIL and DS have moved in but n nothing is ever right for DIL and she's so resentful that she isn't lifting a finger to help, doesn't come down for meals and is resentful of everything we do. She left her laundry by the machine the other day because she couldn't plug it in so I assumed she was hoping I'd put it on for her after it was plugged in. But all I've got is a long face because apparently I was supposed to just know that she was leaving it there (in the middle of my kitchen/utility room and getting in everyone's way) for her own convenience later. AIBU to tell her and DS to move out asap?