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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this bother you or am I being insecure?

52 replies

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 10:54

We are exclusive but haven’t had the relationship chat yet. We wanted to date to see where things go without dating others.

It’s been only 6 weeks and 7 dates. Not slept together or stayed over. This is me wanting to slow it down and he’s very respectful of this, never any pressure. We’ve done other things just not sex!

So the issue...He’s never been massively chatty over text. We have short text chats that he often initiates (him more than me). But there can be days I don’t hear from him...maybe two or three at a time. Sometimes I’ve messaged instead during a silent few days and he replies. When I’m with him it’s nice and he’s intimate, doesn’t push for sex at all, happy to take things at a pace I want in all areas really. He talks about the future in a jokey/serious way...for instance I was talking about Berlin last night and he said maybe we can go together one day and he winks. He often instigates the next date and will say if he’s busy on x days the following week so I’m aware of his availability. All this is fine and good as far as I can see?!

But I’ve never ever dated someone who contacts so little. I’m not someone who wants to be messaging all day with a man but the days of total silence seem odd? Is it normal to not even drop in with one text? He has his phone constantly and is online a lot, so it’s not that he’s not a phone person. Before anyone says maybe he’s waiting for me to text, I do contact him first too.

I’m happy not messaging if I know it’s not a sign that something isn’t quite right? But I don’t want to ask him about it and cause an issue where there isn’t one. It makes me wonder if he’s not that bothered and isn’t thinking of me much? Is that silly?

What do you think?

OP posts:

JustLikeJasper · 26/01/2020 10:58

Maybe he's thinking the same about you, giving it a few days to see if you will text him as it's him always instigating texts?

Original poster

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 11:01

He instigates more than me, but I do still instigate!

OP posts:

MyNewBearTotoro · 26/01/2020 11:02

Well if days are going by where neither of you are texting each other then he could be wondering the exact same thing! And if you have specifically said you want to take it slow he could be worrying about coming across as too forward/ clingy and thus trying to give you space.

The fact he initiates most messages and replies when you do get in touch wouldn’t worry me and I would expect that if it’s been a day or so and you’re wanting to talk to him you should text him, not sit there waiting for it to get to day 2 or 3 wondering why he still hasn’t text. You haven’t text either!

Original poster

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 11:03

I guess so. I like him a LOT so that’s why I’ve wanted to go slow. I think I’ve got a bit head over heels which means I need to be careful imo.

I just think if a man can’t stop thinking about you, he texts

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 11:07

Can you meet up more than once a week? Sounds like it's fine in person.

Original poster

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 11:08

Yeah we could do and I think if I suggested it he’d be happy to. I want to take it slowly though

OP posts:

NeverBeenLoved · 26/01/2020 11:12

I just think if a man can’t stop thinking about you, he texts

Some people do because they want to know they're constantly on your thoughts and others do to 'check' you're not messaging other people - the assumption being that the time you spend messaging them, you can't be messaging others and some people only message when they have something to say.

FWIW, I show as being online constantly (I've been told). It's because I leave the apps open on my phone. I don't actually spend much time messaging anyone at all.

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 11:15

You say slowly, then you say he isn't texting enough. He can't win as if he does more you'll say it's too much, he takes it slowly, you say too slow.

How many texts would you like a day?

Original poster

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 11:17

In a relationship I expect that you’d speak everyday. At least that’s my experience.

We haven’t had the relationship chat so maybe this level of contact is normal at the beginning? It’s been 4 years since I last dated and so I’m used to relationships rather than dynamics in dating

OP posts:

Sheld0r · 26/01/2020 11:18

It sounds like he's just trying to respect your boundaries and take things slowly. It doesn't seem odd to me. I think he's just mirroring your messages so he doesn't suffocate you with lots from him.

I didn't think I was a huge into messaging but then I met my DH and he is worse than me. He would very rarely text me when we were dating. The only messages were to arrange a next date. Even now we don't speak by text message unless it's something that can't wait until we both get home.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/01/2020 11:19

You've been on 7 dates and not slept together, I think it would be a bit full on to be texting loads at this stage. In fact I'd see it as a bonus tbh.

letsdolunch321 · 26/01/2020 11:20

You haven't had the chat yet, why fo you not instigate the chat on your next date?

Something like .... we appear to be getting on well, would you like to see me one evening during the week
If you are free.

Hopefully he will open up about how he feels etc

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 11:22

If you would like communication every day then you initiate it. I think you have given him the impression that you want less than this so far.

PanicAndRun · 26/01/2020 11:23

In a relationship I expect that you’d speak everyday. At least that’s my experience.

But you are not in a relationship,not yet anyways. You're only 6 week in. You want to take it slow. You don't want to see him more than once a week. You let him make the most contact. That is all fine, but you can't then turn around and say he doesn't contact you enough ,when he seems to be following you lead.

If you want more contact you can start messaging more just so he sees it is ok and something you are comfortable with. Or you could talk to him and tell him straight on.

morrisseysquif · 26/01/2020 13:00

He initiates and it's early days. Stop analysing and enjoy.

Sleeveen · 26/01/2020 13:03

But it’s barely a relationship, OP — you’ve gone on seven dates! And you want to take it slowly! Presumably he’s respecting that?

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2020 13:03

I also suspect he thinks you don't like it. Why don't you instigate it more?

I don't understand your thought process that if a man thinks about you he will text. Because you seem to think that if a woman thinks about you she doesnt? Which seems Illogical.

TheReef · 26/01/2020 13:06

Some people simply don't 'do' text messages or lots of none face to face contact. If he's still reliable and everything else is ok I'd just take it as that

Surplus2requirements · 26/01/2020 13:17

It would be worrying if, when you do initiate after a gap, he didn't reply...but he does.

He's giving you space because you've said you want to take it slowly. It sounds to me like he's trying to be respectful but he can't read your mind.

He will appear to be online if he's left the app running in the background.

MyNewBearTotoro · 26/01/2020 13:30

I just think if a man can’t stop thinking about you, he texts

But you’ve said you’re falling ‘head over heels’ and so are obviously thinking about him but in the days he isn’t texting you you’re not texting him either!? Why is it one rule for him but another for him? Think of all of the reasons you’re not texting him on those days and consider that he may not be texting you for the exact same reasons.

If you want to text him more often then start initiating the texts a bit more often and shift the dynamic yourself. It sounds like he is being respectful of giving you space after you’ve asked to take it slow, but if actually he’s giving you too much space then make some effort to reduce it yourself by texting him rather than sitting and waiting for him to do it himself. It’s 2020, it’s ridiculous to expect the man to have to do all the work running around after the woman now - if you want to text him then just do it, don’t sit around waiting for him to make the first move!

MMmomDD · 26/01/2020 13:34

It’s early days and the two of you may not even be sexually compatible. So - too early for ‘the chat’ anyway. Or even to consider this a relationship.
Not constantly chatting is totally normal.
And - what you say ‘if a man was thinking about you he would ....”
Applies equally to -‘if a woman....’
So - stop thinking there are different rules for men and women on that.
Just enjoy

Original poster

Amberyour · 26/01/2020 19:16

I’m finding myself worrying constantly about lack of texts! It’s frustrating as I don’t want constant chat with him, just want to know I’m in his mind!

OP posts:

Menora · 26/01/2020 19:55

It’s frustrating as I don’t want constant chat with him, just want to know I’m in his mind!

Read this back to yourself

I think this is your insecurity speaking

Is there any chance even if he spoke to you all day every day you would still find something to stress about with him.

He is already: exclusively dating you, arranging dates, spending time with you, doing as you asked and taking it slow, he treats you nicely

But it’s not enough. This is the point in dating where you have taken a risk and you just have to see if it pays off. You either need to discuss with him where this is going, or you need to relax. By all means you can tell him you need more communication from him but bear in mind what he will hear is ‘I am asking you for reassurance you like me’
If you are happy to open up to him that you are feeling insecure and need more communication then do. Or you could text him more. Or you could just see how things progress

But torturing yourself isn’t healthy.

PanicAndRun · 26/01/2020 19:56

Wait , so you don't even want to talk to him more?Just to have your ego stroked?

Menora · 26/01/2020 19:57

@PanicAndRun

That is how it could come across I agree

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