Would this bother you or am I being insecure?

[Amberyour]

We are exclusive but haven’t had the relationship chat yet. We wanted to date to see where things go without dating others.

It’s been only 6 weeks and 7 dates. Not slept together or stayed over. This is me wanting to slow it down and he’s very respectful of this, never any pressure. We’ve done other things just not sex!

So the issue...He’s never been massively chatty over text. We have short text chats that he often initiates (him more than me). But there can be days I don’t hear from him...maybe two or three at a time. Sometimes I’ve messaged instead during a silent few days and he replies. When I’m with him it’s nice and he’s intimate, doesn’t push for sex at all, happy to take things at a pace I want in all areas really. He talks about the future in a jokey/serious way...for instance I was talking about Berlin last night and he said maybe we can go together one day and he winks. He often instigates the next date and will say if he’s busy on x days the following week so I’m aware of his availability. All this is fine and good as far as I can see?!

But I’ve never ever dated someone who contacts so little. I’m not someone who wants to be messaging all day with a man but the days of total silence seem odd? Is it normal to not even drop in with one text? He has his phone constantly and is online a lot, so it’s not that he’s not a phone person. Before anyone says maybe he’s waiting for me to text, I do contact him first too.

I’m happy not messaging if I know it’s not a sign that something isn’t quite right? But I don’t want to ask him about it and cause an issue where there isn’t one. It makes me wonder if he’s not that bothered and isn’t thinking of me much? Is that silly?

What do you think?

Not everyone obsesses over someone they are dating in this way. You are doing so, he isn’t. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, but perhaps he is just more able to manage his emotions and thoughts in a more stable way: ie family, social life, work, dating all get some equal attention at different points. If he is secure and confident he has no idea this is a problem as it isn’t bothering him. Again: not about whether he likes you. Just the way he is perhaps

It could be you have told him you want to take it slowly...so he is?

Me and my husband always have loads to say face to face, we discuss lots of different things, but over phone and text it's always a bit weird and stilted and we just do practical things and the basics. It's always been like that and so it doesnt bother me.

You say he is on his phone a lot though, the only way it would bother me is if he was texting other people all the time

OP, you need to give your head a wobble. He's not obliged to text or chat to you everyday nor you him. Stop obsessing and enjoy the organic and healthy pace of this relationship.

You've told him you want to go slowly but you're feeling incredibly cling and needing him to do more.

This relationship is going wrong before it's even been given a chance to go right!

If you can't tell him how you feel, I'd say that's the biggest problem here. There's no 'wrong' and 'right' about how many texts per day. But if he's doing something that makes you feel insecure and you can't tell him, there may be trouble ahead.

I just think if a man can’t stop thinking about you, he texts

But he will not be constantly thinking about you, just like you, he has other things going on in his day, things such as his job.

I travel a lot for work and can be away for up to 3 days at a time. I don't constantly have my wife on my mind and I'm sure she doesn't have me either. I'm away for a reason and focused on that.

I'll text first thing in the morning to make sure she and the boys are all fine and I may not text again until the evening. We won't call every evening I'm away either, there isn't a need.

I'm not a great texter either, my phone is with me, but I don't do much on it. My replies to certain things can be one word "ok", "thanks" if she's letting me know she's done something, if I'm really thinking about something else it may just be a thumbs up emoji.

I think you are totally overthinking this and not sure what you want yourself. You want to go slow, but want him to text more. That's a contradiction.

If you literally told him you wanted to take things slowly then I’d say he’s being respectful. It would actually be pushy for him to contact you more given you’ve only had 6 dates! If you want more contact you need to have that conversation with him.

You have seen this person a handful of times? Why at this point would his every waking moment be about you? I suspect he has work, friends, a social life that you aren’t part of?
You want to have your cake and eat it!

Id talk to him about it maybe he is thinking the same as u since u said to take it slow so agree with what most have said. If u really like him tell him, best way to be is open from the start.

There are lots of threads about men who send multiple texts declaring feelings and then radio silence because texts don't make a relationship they allow you to project a relationship onto your phone. Also just be aware, the not sleeping together thing, men will wait in an attempt to look serious, but if they know they'll sleep with you eventually that's all it is a waiting game. I heard this from a man when I also thought not sleeping with you quickly was a sign he was definitely interested. Not saying this is the case in your situation but it's another thing I keep reading on these threads as if it's some sort of proof of his honourable intentions. It isn't.

I dated (and subsequently went on to have a 1.5 year relationship) with a very similar man.

When we were together it was great. When we were apart he would completely forget about me.

And this was a man who had had a crush on me for 10 years.

It was an issue when we were dating and I tried to accept that it was just the way he was. But the further into the relationship we got and the more comfortable he got, the worse it got.

We ended up going time without physically seeing eachother too.

Anytime I tried to break away from the relationship he would reel me back in and become Mr attentive. But he just couldn't keep it up.

You need to ask him if this is the normal for him and explain that you're used to more contact. See where you both stand and make a choice there.

I wouldn't have wasted all that time if I had known.

I do think he just isn’t in the same place as me at the moment. Maybe this is normal for two people who have only met a few times?! Or maybe I am much more invested than him and I need to step back.

DP and I can go a day without texting and our relationship is serious.

I hate meaningless drivel that texting just for the sake of texting produces.
It could be the case that he's genuinely got nothing to say and doesn't want to go down the;
'Hi, you ok?'
'Yeah I'm good, how are you?'
'Good. What you doing?'
'Nothing really, you?'
'Oh I'm doing blah blah blah..'
Route.

If you want to speak to him, do so. Just because he isn't in contact with you every second or every day doesn't mean he's not thinking about you.

Another reason to detest being so easily available at the end of the phone. People expect you to constantly be reachable on the bloody thing.

It’s not at all that I want lengthy conversations but I do think when you’ve been intimate in some way and you’ve spent a number of days together, it’s usual that you’re in contact more? Or am I wrong?

I totally get that in a relationship the opposite usually happens and you don’t speak at all on text really, especially if you live together. But at this stage it seems to be a bad sign that he isn’t interested?

But if he's got nothing to say what do you expect?
All you're going to end up with is the dry conversation that I've pointed to above, which is really making a conversation out of nothing.

You're 7 dates in. You barely know each other.
He has a life and so do you.

Besides, he could be thinking the same thing as you are. Then you're at a stalemate because you're both waiting for the other to message.

It really doesn't need to be that complicated.

You don't have a clue what you want.

You want it to go slow.
You want a relationship.
You don't want him texting constantly.
You want texts every day.
You want him thinking about you all the time.
You don't want to talk to him.

So er what do you want? Half of that sounds like you want him obsessed, the other half sounds like you don't like him at all.

Go back to being single. You're wasting this guys time as you haven't got a clue what you want.

Op I am dating now myself. I think you are massively over thinking it and are stereotyping what ‘should happen’ with men as a guide to getting a daily ego boost, but in practical reality most humans do not go around worrying about it to this level

I got to work this morning and haven’t for a moment worried that anyone I am dating has or hasn’t text me - I am busy, they are busy. The only people I need to say goodnight to every night are my children.

If I went 3 or 4 days not hearing from someone with no next date arranged, I may assume a lack of interest and drop them a message and see how they respond. If I walk away from a date with the next date planned then basically all you will talk about in the lead up is mundane things about your day, instead of having a catch up on the date so no I wouldn’t worry

It is also true if someone asked me last night what I was doing the answer would have been sitting under a blanket covered in crisps watching love island. Not everyone wants to share daily facts they went to Aldi today or got stuck in traffic or had a sandwich for lunch.

What would you want him to text you? How are you? Then you say great you? Then what?

I agree with @ChristmasSweet you really haven't got a clue what you want or to my mind, what you are expecting is quite immature for adults.

Start messaging him everytime you would like a message back, but ask an open question. E.g. busy day for me today, didn't leave work until 6.30, how about you? Or, noticed a new film out, do you like Sci-fi?

You have to make an effort if you are keen for more texts.

...they were yes/no closed questions, but a starting point!

He’s never been massively chatty over text.

There's your answer.

You're missing the point, OP. It's not about what should happen. There's no rules. You just need to be with someone whose level of contact doesn't set you off asking all these insecure questions.

I totally get that in a relationship the opposite usually happens and you don’t speak at all on text really, especially if you live together.

Me and OH text daily with various frequency levels , we have been living together for 11 years.

Or maybe I am much more invested than him and I need to step back.

You text less than he does so by your own reasoning, he's more invested than you.