Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Anyone intentionally got pregnant with someone they were seeing, when they didn’t know or care if the relationship would last?

119 replies

User72000 · 25/01/2020 21:09

I want a baby but I don’t really care about the support of a father. Obviously I would never block him being part of child’s life, but I would happily bring the child up alone, financially and otherwise, with minimal support.

Anyone done this instead of going down sperm donor route?

I realise this won’t be something a lot of people agree with, but I see it as better than sperm donation for lots of reasons and it is better for the child imo

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/01/2020 00:50

The moral reasons are for you to decide, but I wouldnt for purely health reasons. Sperm donations are checked, donors are health checked etc. All to make sure its perfectly safe. You would have none of that with a ONS or whatever, and also there is the risk of inherited issues that you wouldnt know anything about until its too late.

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 00:52

I know someone who was desperate for a child so conceived with a man-child and their relationship lasted a few months more. He now has a high level of access and he, his partner and family make her life stressful. You randomly pick a man and you pick his family and new partners to be part of your DC life too.

Graciebutterfly · 26/01/2020 00:57

Op it really isn't a simple as you believe. You may feel that you would let him be part of this dc life but your believing your be in control.

He could choose to come and go, he could choose to bring you to court if you do not agree to his teams.
He could turn out to be a lunatic, like my exdp and harass you. ( Exdp has a good job, friends, supportive family but secretly has serous MH and abuse issues. Took over 2 years to notice)

He may want to bring his dp around the dc when he likes or his family who may not like you.

You would by hanging over a dc to a man you do not know.

Emmmie · 26/01/2020 01:00

I know a woman who did this...and a man and a child this was done to. Absolutely soul crushing.

eaglejulesk · 26/01/2020 01:04

You can't decide to make someone a parent without their knowledge/consent ffs

This! It's a very selfish attitude in my opinion.

GrapefruitGin · 26/01/2020 01:08

When your child gets older and wants to get to know it’s father, what will you tell him/her? What if the father wants nothing to do with child?

squee123 · 26/01/2020 02:29

Maybe you should check out the co-parenting websites where people consensually sign up to having a child together outside of a relationship

Number3or4 · 26/01/2020 06:04

Op, there are lots of couples who get pregnant very soon in their relationship. As long as you don’t attempt to get pregnant using deception then it is up to you. You can never know someone else truly, even with a supposedly concrete marriage it is not as straightforward as people portray. At one of the antenatal clinic I went to, there was a poster in the toilet about some domestic violence starting after a woman gets pregnant or after she delivers a baby. The partner staying nice is not guaranteed. I still believe a happy, secure and safe nuclear family is best for children but sometimes life gets in the way and single parenthood become necessary. I even know a couple who have children but are just friends. They do the whole 50:50 parenting and at the beginning it was wonderful according to both of them. They were neighbours and long standing friends, they had a nice fiver year plan. Life came and messed up their plan. The man got a girlfriend and he couldn’t / didn’t want to keep up with the agreement and she had to apply for child maintenance to get money from him and be happy with the reduced contact with their son (her mil sees their son more than the child’s father). She says she turned into an ex without being the girlfriend. Which hurt her.

Oct18mummy · 26/01/2020 06:12

If you want to have a child alone then go down the sperm donor route it’s properly vetted etc and as above you won’t end up with other family demanding/forcing access.

ThatThereWoman · 26/01/2020 06:57

It's a massively bad idea OP! I think not telling a man would be awful - taking away his power to decide.

But even deciding to have a baby with someone when you're not in a relationship, or you don't know them? Why would you do that?

I know people who've deliberately got pregnant when they're not in a relationship, or worse, they're in a really really toxic relationship, and it's really not fair on the child. As well as being quite mad. You have tied yourself for life to a man that you don't know/like/or who is toxic, and worse, you've tied your child to that man too. (not to mention it has his genes).

Go the sperm donor route. It would be much better for the child than having an awful man in its life. (and for you too).

elizalovelace · 26/01/2020 07:00

OP amongst other things the man you choose to have a DC with may well in the future have a partner and a family so your child could possibly be spending EOW and half holidays etc being raised by another woman in another family they have created. Would you really choose this for yourself and a child?

chuttypicks · 26/01/2020 07:07

How would you afford to bring up this imaginary child? Would you expect money from the father? Would you expect to claim benefits?

SoulStarS · 26/01/2020 07:14

I always had a powerful feeling that I wanted to be sure the man I had children with was someone I wanted to share my DNA with, and they with me. And allow any future child to be welcomed into a loving, stable and safe family, with all parents active and present in the raising of that child.

You may want a baby, but the fact that you’re even considering this is proof that you have no idea of the personal, social, emotional, cultural, etc etc etc needs of a child you will be bringing into this world. At least not one that’s based in reality.

They deserve more than that.

SoulStarS · 26/01/2020 07:16

So, sperm donor route. Not some random bloke who you are tricking into Fatherhood. The fuck.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 26/01/2020 07:16

Ready to have the dad claim 50/50 access?

catnaps1995 · 26/01/2020 07:31

No! Just no! Think about it if it was the other way round and someone purposely tried to get you pregnant because they wanted a child.
Your not thinking about the father, and your not thinking about the future child. The father might have many reasons to not want a child (mental health problems, money, work etc) and having a child he can't provide for/isn't ready for might tip him over the edge and that's even if he isn't involved.
Also think of the kid, growing up without a father figure, wondering what's wrong with them.
Imagine having to look your child in the face knowing you bought them into the world in deceit and lies.
Not to mention how much work it is being a single parent (please don't underestimate how much single parents do). I don't know what your money situation is like either but if you haven't got much, it will be insanely difficult to raise a child without any income coming in...because you could work and be a parent but you then have to fork out for childcare which is still very expensive.
Please if you really want a child, think of having a doner or find someone who wants to have a child with you.

Newmetoday · 26/01/2020 07:39

Are you going to lie about being on birth control?

Yeahnah2020 · 26/01/2020 08:23

Why on earth would it be better for the child?? Literally I don’t get your thinking on this

insanepizza · 26/01/2020 08:53

That is just awful. Please don't do it.

Also you are exceptionally selfish 'he can be their life if he wants'. How very kind of you. What if he wants 50/50 custody, because he has every right. Will you be ok with that? It is what happened to my brother and I still think three years on that the mother is surprised how much he wants to involved. Everything is a fight and it isn't healthy for my niece at all.

AreYouSureReally · 26/01/2020 09:18

It would be a scummy thing to do.

justlockthedoor · 26/01/2020 09:30

I think it's a lot more complicated than you think. When the child comes along and he doesn't want you but wants access to the child you say you'll be ok with that but what if he becomes an alcoholic or takes up with a crazy girlfriend. You can't even guarantee you would get resident parent these days. Can you really face Christmases and birthdays alone while your child spends it with a family you're not a part of? I couldn't. My dh has a child with someone before we met. She got pregnant on purpose when they had already broken up twice and he'd said he didn't see a future. I think her thinking was a) it might keep him b) if it doesn't I'm 40 and this is my last chance to have a child type thing... they broke up properly when the child was a baby. 6 months later he met me. I don't think it's easy for her at all now he's remarried and their child is with us 50 percent and we've had various court battles. Sperm donor is simpler.

Missarad · 26/01/2020 09:48

I dont see an issue however u have to be mindful that your child is gna grow up fatherless anyways he wont want the child or believe the child is his etc which isnt good for the child. Cant u find a male friend to agree to do this for you whom will be around but not involved?

Fonduefrolics · 26/01/2020 09:51

No I’ve not been down this route. But I did have a baby with someone I barely knew (mutual decision) deciding to TTC within weeks of knowing him. I love my child but I look back and think what the hell was I thinking? So...you mused that you would try and pick a good one....but I’d argue you can’t possibly know for a long time. He might be an absolute dick, he might be a decent one who wants to be involved 50/50 or he might want to be involved just out of spite and will cause you and your child no end of heartbreak for years.

If you’re just after a sperm donation then a proper sperm donor is best for everyone.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/01/2020 09:53

Could people stop saying that it would be awful to do to a man without actually knowing whether she was planning to lie about contraception?
Many men would be willing to have sex without a condom no questions asked. If they don't ask the question then they are 100% responsible for creating a pregnancy if one should arise.

HOWEVER this is a terrible idea because being shackled to a man whose parenting you don't trust or agree with for 18 years and having to hand your most precious being over to him with no control over what he does with it is awful and not worth the risk. Nobody plans to have babies with shit heads yet somehow many of us still do. And that's after years of being together, not weeks/months, when you might assume we would know they were shit heads but still often don't.

deareloise · 26/01/2020 09:56

code is of course correct.

If you have unprotected sex, that could result in a child. Men are as aware of this fact as women are.

Obviously, claiming to be using hormonal contraception and not doing so is different.

People trot out ‘use a sperm donor’ very casually and blithely as if this is something you can add to your weekly grocery shop or order from amazon. I wonder if they know how financially, ethically and physically difficult this option is?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5