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Original poster

If he’s not quite over his last relationship, is ours doomed?!

73 replies

ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 19:43

Very early days but have great chemistry with a new man. Dating since November and so far no red flags, he’s respectful and most importantly seems to be honest.

We’re slightly older (he’s 40 I’m 37). He broke up from a two year relationship in September which he told me when we met was very hard for him.

This morning I accidentally picked up his iPhone instead of mine for the alarm...and saw a text from a friend that said ‘these things always take time but you know it was for the best.’ Obviously about his ex so he’s still mentioning her. Not sure how to feel about it?! Does it matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:09

Anyone?

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 24/01/2020 20:11

You are the rebound. He clearly isn't over her.

Dontsayyouloveme · 24/01/2020 20:12

Hey OP, I think yes it does matter. If he’s not over his ex then he can’t be fully emotionally available to you. I would also be concerned you will be his rebound, someone to boost his ego and have sex with. I don’t want to sound harsh but IMO that’s the reality at the moment. Sorry 😞

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:15

Not what I wanted to hear but think you’re right! It’s been lovely so far but I do hate thinking anyone else would be on his mind.

OP posts:
Careersytype · 24/01/2020 20:17

Of course it matters!

If he rebounds then:

  1. he can't be very emotionally resilient
  2. how can he respect you if he is happy to use you as a human shaped bandage?
dodgeballchamp · 24/01/2020 20:18

Yes, doomed. Been there, done that. It was horrible.

SoulStarS · 24/01/2020 20:20

He’d been out of a relationship less than 2 months before he met you. He told you he found the break up very hard. Rebound. Step away. Regardless of the chemistry, you can’t ignore facts. The text is black and white confirmation of that.

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:20

I did ask about it right at the start, suggested if the break up was hard then should we continue. He said he liked me and wanted to see me. I liked him too so we carried on.

Do I just end it now or talk about it?

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 24/01/2020 20:21

I agree, he is on the rebound and I would not want a relationship with someone who still has his ex on his mind a lot.
Does he bring her up in conversation with you?

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:22

No he’s never brought her up at all really, only when I did at the start. He was clear he didn’t end it but did say he recognised that it wasn’t going to work.

Not sure what to do as I like him!

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 24/01/2020 20:27

I don't think he's over a significant relationship in two months. It is a red flag. Step away and if it's meant to be he can get back to you, or plough on, but he could end up sleeping with her at some point and you could end up hurt...

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:29

shes made it abundantly clear it’s over, so I guess there’s a chance they could get back together, but unlikely.

More bothered about his feelings than hers...

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 24/01/2020 20:33

Surely you deserve to be more than a sticking plaster? Maybe you hope you'll grow to be more? There's a chance you might. I wouldn't want to wait and see

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:38

I just like him so it’s hard. Seems the consensus is to end it though!

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 24/01/2020 20:40

Well - it's not THAT hard is it? You've only been seeing him for a couple of months Confused

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 20:42

It is when you’ve been online dating years and think you’ve found a good one at last!

But I don’t want to be second best

OP posts:
Legallybleachblonde · 24/01/2020 20:49

I know how you're feeling as I have been on both sides of the coin. His ex finished with him and he is clearly finding it hard. I'm sure he does really like you but I think he is with you for all the wrong reasons. This is something that's beyond your control. I feel for you OP, it's a crap situation and probably best to get out now before you get hurt even more, especially now you know what you know (from the text).

Notcoolmum · 24/01/2020 20:52

I suggest reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It's an eye opener.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 24/01/2020 20:54

If youre finding it so hard to think about ending it after 2 months how do you think he is feeling after 2 years. This really annoys me (not you but him) why do people get involved when they've only been single 5 bloody minutes. I see my friends do it and I just dont get it. Whats so wrong with being on your own until you get over it and sort your shit.
This is why I wont get involved with anyone who has been single less than 6 to 12 months depending on how long the relationship was. I wouldn't be interested in being with someone who couldn't cope with life on their own and went from relationship to relationship.

I saw something the other day and it seems so true. If you dont let your wounds heal you end up cutting the one who didnt make you bleed. It's TRUE.
You deserve better than the drama and hurt that this situation will bring you. If it's meant to be then it will be but I think he has some healing to do first.

ItFigures · 24/01/2020 20:54

It sounds like you’re a rebound OP. I’ve watched this from the other side, seeing my ex with someone else but trying to stay in touch, telling me he loves me etc (he doesn’t because he’s nuts but he believes he does) and none of those relationships work. I’d walk away.

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 21:00

When I mentioned it he said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me so soon and that he felt ready to date.

It’s all just words though.

We’ve not slept together yet and I think this is why I’ve held back a bit. Could we do forty nightly dates instead? Would that help things? Or am I clutching at straws...

I did say initially to call me in a few months but he was eager to tell me he was ready and didn’t want to lose momentum with us.

OP posts:
Sumsuch · 24/01/2020 21:49

Well, he would protest that he was ready.
But seriously, even if that were true, wouldn't that be an even bigger red flag? If he could be with someone for two years, and be completely over it, and ready to date after 2 months..

Perhaps come clean- say you saw the text, and you feel you'd like to step back to give him time to get over his previous relationship properly.

Personally, I believe that using someone to get over someone else is the weakest sort of cruelty. There's no honour to someone who could do that.

That's just my opinion though...

Original poster
ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 21:51

Ahh I’m not sure what to do!

He’d been single just under three months when we met. He’d had three online dates, didn’t want a second, then met me. Everything else has been so great, I am reluctant to end it. :(

OP posts:
Careersytype · 24/01/2020 22:02

Perhaps a chat with him then....?
If it eases your mind, have a break and if he comes back... you know, if you live something set it free, etc etc

GilbertMarkham · 24/01/2020 22:12

Well - it's not THAT hard is it? You've only been seeing him for a couple of months confused

Strong empathy.

Op what I'd say is that it depends how you feel - if you feel strongly and it matters to you a lot that it works out with him, then no. But if you are seeing how things go, having a nice time, taking it easy and it won't be massive if it doesn't work out then, keep on seeing him.

In an ideal world noone would be getting over someone while seeing someone else .. but in the real world it happens all the time, a d the new person doesn't always end up dumped. Sometimes they end up being the next long term partner or spouse.

But I think you have to not be too invested or feel too strongly.

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