If he’s not quite over his last relationship, is ours doomed?!

[ArtyParty4]

Very early days but have great chemistry with a new man. Dating since November and so far no red flags, he’s respectful and most importantly seems to be honest.

We’re slightly older (he’s 40 I’m 37). He broke up from a two year relationship in September which he told me when we met was very hard for him.

This morning I accidentally picked up his iPhone instead of mine for the alarm...and saw a text from a friend that said ‘these things always take time but you know it was for the best.’ Obviously about his ex so he’s still mentioning her. Not sure how to feel about it?! Does it matter?

Don't end it, talk to him about it. You cant help when you meet someone you really like.
Relationships aren't all big, sweeping emotions at the start. Sometimes they start a bit messy and you take a bit of the previous relationship with you into the next one for a while. Not ideal, but if you meet someone you like, then give it your all before giving up. Often things can be a bit bumpy at the start.

Many years ago, I was a rebound and so was he. We were together for 30 years and had two children together. We met after he'd been single only two weeks after a 4 year relationship and I'd been single about 6 weeks after a 2 year one. We bumped into each other in a pub. His mates had taken him out because he's been dumped. We got talking and the rest is history.
He talked about his ex a lot in the early weeks and months and got it out of his system. He didn't want her back, and they were clearly not happy for a long time. I listened to him and it brought us closer together. Then he began to stop telling me about her once he'd got it out of his system - and I was getting a bit fed up of hearing about her too!
We were very compatible and happy for 30 years after that slightly rocky start.

Thanks everyone!

I mentioned it late last night...not ideal timing but I couldn’t help it. I said I’d seen the text and that I liked him but if he needed time or space or to be on his own for a while, I would understand and maybe instead he could contact me in a few weeks or months when there was more distance between the last relationship. I said if we were both still available we could pickup from there.

He seemed surprised. He said his mate had been checking in on him and he’d said he still felt rough about what had happened. He also said m that he did still have feelings that hadn’t ‘suddenly turned off’ and that he couldn’t say 100% that he was over it because he’d been very hurt. But he was also very keen to tell me that he hadn’t expected to meet someone so soon (he’d said this at the beginning too) and that from his perspective he certainly didn’t want to stop seeing me. He said he didn’t know what it would achieve because his relationship was over and he was ready to date. We spoke a bit about how it ended and he said she’d ended things saying that for her there was something missing and on reflection he could see that they had very different values. He admitted that didn’t stop him feeling hurt and said his ego had been bruised as well!!

He said he was glad we had talked and he hoped I still wanted to see him because he certainly wanted to see me and he’s sorry if he’s not given a perfect answer but it’s an honest answer. I do respect him for that but clearly I’m lying here awake thinking about it so I can’t say it’s put my mind at rest! Much of this I already knew anyway.

When i got together with current dp he wasnt completely over his ex. They had split up a year ago, but he had taken it hard at the time, had to move back in with his mum, so caused a lot of actual amd emotional upheaval.

We talked about it, amd i was reasured that although he was still recovering from the breakup, he wouldnt go back there because of how she hurt him, and that he didnt want to anyway bevause he could see that it was never going to work. And that he was happy with me.

After a bit more time it faded away and now we are so happy.

I do think its possible to not be over a relationship yet but nit want that person back either. It just takes a bit of time.

I would say that 2 months after breaking up might be a bit soon though, the recovery could last a long while yet, and you might look back and resent not getting that 'honeymoon' stage where he only thinks of you.

Marvel I definitely feel like that about the honeymoon stage! That’s what bothers me most in a selfish way. Calling it off and not seeing him at all I think would totally crush any prospect of it going anywhere though? I’m not sure

I think it just comes down to whether its worth the gamble... If you invest in it now and it doesnt work out youll have wasted time and be annoyed that you didnt listen to the warning signs. But if you call it a day now youll always wonder if it could have worked.

Is he still in touch with his ex? Do they still have ties to eachother? When i got togethet with dp, he was still sharing his dog with her. Stayed at hers but he would have it at weekends etc. I never commented negatively on this but hated it, and after a few months he decided himself it wasnt going to work in the long term so might as well cut ties now.

If theres any similar ties or responsibilities that your dp has, you could focus on that and see if he gradually distances himself on his own, then that would give you an idea of where his head is at subconsciously.

For me, dp not seeing his dog any more was him making the decision to commit to me, and because i never said i didnt like it, i knew it had come completely from him.

Should clarify, i never hated the dog, the 'it' i refered to was the situation! Dog was a cutie!

A friend of mine is basically the guy in this situation. He met someone very soon after a significant breakup that he was incredibly upset about and for the first couple of months was super into his new woman. But then he began to get cold feet and think he rushed into it too soon and actually he needed to take time to be single and look after himself for a bit. He’s just dumped her and she was very upset.

Your guy sounds like he’s genuinely into you but I’d tread carefully, I wouldn’t ramp up the frequency of meetings yet. Keep him at arm’s length for now and let him do the chasing (that’s not to say you should just be passive, but make sure it isn’t always you organising the next meetup or initiating contact etc)

I was most definately not over my ex when I met my now dh. Didn’t take me long to forget him once I met him though. Do we ever really get over someone till we meet someone “better”? People are either right for you or they aren’t, doesn’t matter what their previously relationships have been like. Dh was two months out of 10 year relationship. I expected to be the rebound girl. I wasn’t.
The fact he is still talking about her to his mates is my only red flag.

No one knows what the future holds, and being in a relationship with anyone leaves you open to the possibility of being hurt by them. Only you know if this guy is worth that risk!

FWIW I met DH when he was less than 3 months out of a 7 year relationship - she had ended it and he had been devastated. Sixteen years and 2 kids later, we are still very happy together.

OP, imagine if you’d been dumped four months ago, perhaps by someone you knew wasn’t really right for you, but they had “got in first”. Would you not still expect to be feeling a bit bruised by it? Would you perhaps still be adjusting, or maybe feeling a bit angry with the ex?

And could you, in that scenario, imagine meeting someone new and lovely, yet still feel a bit scarred by the past, and maybe discuss how you were feeling with your friends or a few thousand people on Mumsnet?

True, he may still be hung up on her and you may be right to finish it, but equally he may just be a normal, complex person. Personally I’d be happier with a partner who could not compartmentalise old feelings.

DH and I got together in the wake of his separation (I was recently divorced) and we spent years coming to terms with the fact our relationship dynamic worked without needing to tiptoe around as we had both had to do previously, yet neither of us has stopped caring about our ex, and to do so would feel wrong. We spent a lot of time talking about that to each other, and sometimes still do.

Of course I may just be projecting, but if you think you have made a good catch, perhaps you have.

Isn't this your *third^ thread about this man?

I don't think you can't predict or control when you meet someone who clicks. He's been so honest by the sounds of things, and is genuinely keen and wants to see you.

I absolutely wouldn't chuck him up just because his friend asked how he was doing. Yes openly admitted he was hurt but that as much he felt humiliated. That kind of shake takes a while to go away. It hits at your self-esteem. So you don't know he's been thinking about her - you know he'd been feeling bad, that's all. Maybe low and unconfident and a bit crushed.

If you like him, which you do, I'd say it's worth giving him a bit of time. Don't get hung up on stereotypical rebound scenarios. You are individuals. We don't often meet someone we really like. Personally I think giving it time is worth the risk.

I’m pretty certain he’s a good catch and after our first few dates I liked him a lot, before I knew about all this. I’ve not liked someone this way in maybe 3 or 4 years.

It’s a gamble yes. I feel as if the potential honeymoon period is tarnished a bit by this, for me anyway, but that’s being quite selfish. Everyone has a past...I got into my las relationship after a horrible break up and I didn’t forget the ex for a long time. It does feel like a gamble though.

Yes I wondered that @Anuvva. I thought I'd seen other threads about the same guy

It's a gamble and one I think you're going to play, OP

We'll see you again , no doubt

I don't get how he's on dating sites but not expecting to meet a keeper.

From the things you have said I don't think you're getting to the truth and he doesn't sound sincere, but gives answers he knows will keep you hanging. I think you know this, but like a moth to a flame you can't leave because he's saying the right things.

He wants to be with someone, but is he really trying to get to know you?

My gut tells me he was being open and respectful to me. My gut also tells me he likes me.

If we take him at his word, he does like you. And he still loves her. If you're happy with that, you can go ahead.

Just don't make the all-too-common mistake of going ahead thinking he'll fall out of love with her and more in love with you, because while that might happen, it's by no means guaranteed.

He's been very honest with you about where he stands and how he feels on all of this, now it's up to you to decide if that's okay with you.

Well I suppose he comes across as sincere but then I don’t know him well enough to know for sure.

I think maybe I’m going to see him tomorrow night as planned and then pull back and go back to dating others. We’ve not had the exclusivity chat so until we do I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.

Frustrating as I do like him but I don’t want to spend my time second guessing.

I think that a good choice OP. Step back for a bit now and try not to get too attached ( sex can do that too 🧠)
You have to use your intuition and do whats best for you. Take it slow and definitely focus on other potential dates too.
My friend started seeing a guy three months after his ltr , went all in and got very smitten. Turns out he was on a break from his girlfriend and they realised how much they missed each other. I also think he may have been using her to make his ex a bit jealous etc as loads and loads of social media posts that werent really right? I think statistics are tgat couples that do get back together usually do after 6 months of a break?
Dont go on social media with him and let him sort himself out in the meantime. Let him step up then at least you know it will be real. Either way a strong foundation for the future or saving yourself potential hurt x

I've been the person who was the rebound and then rebounded on

Leave him and tell him you'll speak to him in a year or six months or whatever. Or else he's dragging in his issues with her into his relationship with you and using you to not actively wrestle with his sadness and his heartbreak

Relationships aren't just lily pads you can jump from one to the next instantly. In rare examples it works, but for most people you need time alone to decompress and be single and figure it out

Save yourself the extra pain and heartbreak of this situation. Suggest he go to counselling, but leave him to it

All new relationships are a gamble surely.

ofay well of course they are but I’d pretty much guess that starting a relationship with someone who is only recently separated from their ex who they are clearly still not over, is more doomed to fail than someone who has been separated for a lot longer and no longer has feelings for their ex!

The problem is you are a distraction and helping him get over his relationship breakup. This is why he feels better and may not even realise this himself yet.
You may not know this or feel this, but you are.
As others say this is the risk you take.
It appears you have posted about this more than once before and are getting the same responses.
Basically you are going to do what you want either way.