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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If he’s not quite over his last relationship, is ours doomed?!

73 replies

ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 19:43

Very early days but have great chemistry with a new man. Dating since November and so far no red flags, he’s respectful and most importantly seems to be honest.

We’re slightly older (he’s 40 I’m 37). He broke up from a two year relationship in September which he told me when we met was very hard for him.

This morning I accidentally picked up his iPhone instead of mine for the alarm...and saw a text from a friend that said ‘these things always take time but you know it was for the best.’ Obviously about his ex so he’s still mentioning her. Not sure how to feel about it?! Does it matter?

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 24/01/2020 22:17

I've seen quite a few posters say they met their partner/spouse not long after they broke up from a relationship (and often met then during the relationship, even if they didn't get involved or cheat) and that the new person helped them see the downsides in the previous relationship, gave then back trust, optimism etc. - that they were part of their recovery. Of course on here that's seen as lovely; but the reverse is always deemed to be disastrous and sure to end in devastation for the woman.

ofay · 24/01/2020 22:22

I wouldn't end it, just keep a little bit of yourself back and see how it goes.

Elieza · 24/01/2020 22:32

Some people get into dating after a break up because all their mates are in relationships and nagging them to date too, or because they are lonely, for revenge on the ex who hurt them, or because they are sad or trying to avoid feeling sad and think if I just get back on the horse again I’ll feel better...

I wouldn’t want a rebound guy. I’d not play second best to anyone. I’d pull back and let him be himself for a while. Who knows she may want him back and it will save you heart ache further down the line when you’ve fallen for him and she phones him...and he goes running....

Spacecudet · 24/01/2020 22:34

I was the rebound and so was he. 22 years later and we're married with kids. He cried on my shoulder about his ex. It's not necessarily a bad thing. My DH feels things deeply, and is so caring, he really felt the loss of his previous DP and best friend, but we are so strong now.

Tafelberg · 24/01/2020 22:40

Without wanting to make things worse, you only have what he’s telling you to go on with when his relationship ended, how it ended and so on. I broke up with my ex after nearly two years together six months ago. He started online dating again the day after we broke up, had his first date with someone new a few days after that. He told her we’d been split up for months (I was still living in the same flat as him at the time but staying with friends so he told her a load of lies about that as well). Only days before they first met, he’d been begging me to change my mind and promising to do whatever it took to fix the relationship. Please protect yourself a bit and listen to the alarm bells that are ringing. I know it’s hard when you’ve met someone you like but it’s not worth risking a much harder fall further down the line.

MissPepper8 · 24/01/2020 22:42

You've not had sex yet? Is this more him or equal decision? I think sex is really important in a relationship so I don't know how you've bypassed that part to just bed sharing.

I don't know now I've read you've not had sex yet, it was 3 months after they split and he's texting a friend about his ex, I'd say he's not ready.

Careersytype · 24/01/2020 22:50

@Spacecudet
Your situation is vastly different.
I your situation, your partner was honest about being heartbroken- in OPs, her bf ( is quite possibly) not being honest.

Big difference.

Original poster

ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 22:51

He’s not lying about the timing of the break up, it was definitely end of September. He’s been upfront with me as far as I can tell about all of it really, said he had feelings left but recognised the relationship wasn’t right and he wanted to move on.

We’ve done all but sex and because of me that we haven’t yet. I just don’t feel ready. He’s not pressured me once and I certainly don’t feel that he wants me for sex. We see each other about once a week or so for a day/night each time.

OP posts:

Techway · 24/01/2020 22:57

What does your gut instinct tell you? I firmly believe you will know and perhaps posting on MN is a clue you have big doubts.

Original poster

ArtyParty4 · 24/01/2020 22:59

My gut tells me he’s being honest with me in the sense that he didn’t try and hide away when I asked how the break up went. My gut tells me he was being open and respectful to me. My gut also tells me he likes me.

It also tells me he’s still thinking about her. And that’s the shit part.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 24/01/2020 23:02

I personally wouldn't want to continue it, the start of a relationship should be fun and exciting, I wouldn't want to worry that he was still thinking about her, wishing he was with her etc.
The fact that he confided in a friend to me would suggest he's struggling a lot with it, as a lot of men bottle things up or don't like to talk about stuff like that with their friends.

Some people meet in similar circumstances and are ok with being part of the healing and moving on process and they do end up together long term...but for me I wouldn't like it at all!

Chocmallows · 24/01/2020 23:05

You need to blow this up into the open, what is he feeling and what is the impact, and it will be the start of a more honest slow moving relationship or completely sink it.

I found out that my partner had some debts at 6 months in and made him show me everything and explain the situtuation. I was able to help him and we are blunt very honest now and this gives us stability.

Deadsouls · 25/01/2020 00:00

Why don't you just ask him and get more information. Tell him you saw the text - don't be accusatory, but see what he says.

Glosstwit · 25/01/2020 00:19

It matters if you want something long term and to invest emotions, which you clearly have.

You might as well talk about it, and know one way or another.

LuluBellaBlue · 25/01/2020 00:22

Wow I’m really shocked by the responses on here.
We have a man who’s been privately speaking to someone - actually opening up and in touch with his emotions - and everyone’s saying dump him!!!
OP I actually think this is a wonderful thing and a great opportunity for you to delve deeper with him and understand him better. By being emotionally intimate and discussing this.
Be compassionate and listen, care about this man and his feelings, it genuinely may not be as bad as you think!
I’ve had exes that I’ve struggled with - but it certainly hasn’t meant I want them back!
Life isn’t as black and white as that.
I’d be more happy if met a man who could actually get in touch with their thoughts and feelings, and express their emotions

MissPepper8 · 25/01/2020 00:28

actually opening up and in touch with his emotions

I could agree with what you said but he's not opening up to the op though! I think id feel really hurt if I saw that message to another person about his ex partner. It would make me second guess everything.

SandyY2K · 25/01/2020 00:34

If you were the kind of person who wouldn't get so emotionally attached, then you could hang in there and see how it goes, but I sense you're really into him.

The fact that he didn't end it shows it wasn't his decision and that is more an issue than the time his last relationship ended for me.

Back in the day, when I ended relationships, it was because I didn't see a future with the person or they were just getting on my nerves...so I was relieved to end it and ready to move on quickly.

SandyY2K · 25/01/2020 00:41

I found out that my partner had some debts at 6 months in and made him show me everything and explain the situtuation

Sounds a bit controlling to me....after 6 months with a boyfriend you demand to see his financial information.

I honestly wouldn't see it as my business or my concern.

It's great that you were able to help him... but I wouldn't want a BF of 6 months doing that.

Lalala205 · 25/01/2020 00:59

The problem is you've only seen a very brief snapshot of his full conversation with his friend. He may have been talking about it being hard since the breakup with his ex. Or he could have been saying he's really enjoying the new relationship, but worried about letting his emotional guard down too soon after a recent breakup. I'd raise it again for another chat rather than ruling it straight out tbh.

Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 01:15

Sandy, he was spending money on us and then talking about a "few money issues". It was the need for honesty that I tackled, he had to be upfront so we knew where we were headed. I didn't get access to his accounts, but we changed our plans so he could focus on consolidating loans and pay them off before we talked more seriously about future plans. We have been together for 18mth but feels like longer as open with each other.

In OPs case being honest and talking may open painful conversations and be make or break time, but better to talk honestly.

Izzabellasasperella · 25/01/2020 02:44

You like him, he likes you. A honest and open conversation is what you need.

stuckinthemiddlewithtwats · 25/01/2020 02:59

I'd be very wary. Both my last two ex bfs were like this and hadn't got over their ex (despite it being a long time, 5yrs in one case, almost a year in the other).
It became very clear to me that both would have got back with their ex if a chance opened up.

Both had actively tried to contact and meet up with their ex while we were together and lied about it when I found out. This had started with whinging to friends about it being hard to move on etc.

My advice would be to move on to someone else as you'll always feel second best.

Pol16 · 25/01/2020 05:16

I would definitely say you’d seen the text and discuss it with him in a supportive way. To finish it without a discussion would be foolish in my opinion because you don’t know the context in which it was said. He may have told his friend that he really likes you but he’s still hurting from the impact of his last relationship. He may have said he’s nervous of committing to you in case he gets hurt again. This is natural. He seems a decent man and I wouldn’t throw everything away without knowing more.

Shev1996 · 25/01/2020 05:26

Forget all this “what ifs”. If you want to be in a relationship which is honest and committed then just tell him you saw this message and let him explain. Not everything is needing an outside opinion, if you feel the need to ask for one maybe it’s your issue not his?

Scarsthelot · 25/01/2020 05:31

I met do not OP long after I left my abusive marriage. His marriage had ended recently too.

I was meant to be fun. It was. Then we started getting serious. Neither of us were over our marriages. It lasted a couple of weeks. I wanted to be single and was for a couple of years. Dp became a friend . Just a friend.

We both healed then got back together. It didnt bother either of us that the other wasn't over anything. Because this was just a distraction. When it wasnt, I felt it was the right thing to step away.

OP if he isnt over her, he isnt over her.

But I also think that after a couple of months expecting him to open up to you, isnt a fair thing to expect. You have seen a snippet if a converstation. You have no idea if it was about her or what he had said.

The fact that you think its ok to pick up his phone then 'accidentally' read a message, is bollocks. You read it because you wanted to read it which is concerning in itself

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