Friendship dilemma

[blackbeardsghost]

Hey all,
just looking for some advice on how to handle this dilemma i find myself in. I've received a fb message from someone I thought i was no longer friends with. Background info is, I was very good friends with a group of ladies for over a decade. For some unknown reason last year they all fell out with me. We were supposed to be going on holiday but I felt that something wasn't right so decided to test my theory. I basically implied that I might not be able to get the time off for the holiday just to see what their reaction would be. Childish i know but well let's just say that they decided to fuck me off but not even in a nice way. So i lost out on all the money i had paid for the holiday plus obviously not being able to go on the holiday either. They basically just stopped talking to me. A couple of months later i messaged one of them who i had been closest to and told her that i was sad that our relationship had ended but i didn't know why. She replied that yeah it was sad but i had changed and the others felt the same way. I also live around the corner from another one of the friends and we walk our dogs in the same park. I have only ever bumped in to her a few times but each time she has made it clear (well at least to me) that she doesn't have the time for me. So bearing in mind that none of them has spoken to me in nearly a year I received a message from one of them today saying "Hey!!!! i was just thinking about my fellow aquarian and realised i've probs missed your birthday.....Don't in gods name ask me what fuckery went down with the others....I still can't believe it happened. Anyway just want to say i miss your wit and banter and the excessive sarcasm" cue lots of emojis.Now i don't know what to think apart from message back and say fuck off c#*!. If you made it this far help me :) What would you do??

She's probably fallen out with them too

However it sounds to be like they fell out with you because you backed out of a holiday you'd booked with them - of course they'd still go and you'd have to pay your share if it was all booked already

It all sounds a bit weird, like a self fulfilling prophesy. You suspected something was up so you started acting strangely and then they felt you'd 'changed'.

Anyway, don't feel you have to give this woman the time of day. Unless you actually want to.

Ask her what her opinion is on the situation because as far as you are concerned they all dropped you like a hot brick and that hurt

This is a dilemma of your own making. Weird. Just ignore her if you don't want to return to any sort of friendship with her but don't send an offensive message when it was your weird "theory testing action" that caused the big fall out in the first place. Why on earth would you test a theory like that and end up losing money? If you think something isn't right, there are more adult and sensible ways of testing it - it's called talking.

I would keep it direct and breezy and ( if you want to) say yeah all good but before we start why the contact after a year? Why didnt you contact me sooner if you thought it was a friendship worth keeping?
Sometimes you use your intuition. If you felt that by going on that holiday would have left you open to being ignored/ bullied/ making up numbers etc. In hindsight it would have been good to have chatted about it rather than losing money? But, if they are toxic people ( proved after their reaction) maybe its just as well you moved on now. It doesnt sound like you really are bothered but would like some closure?
Ask this person? As in I am not going back to that dynamic again so tell me what went down or jog on x

Thanks for the replies! some a bit harsher than others but fair call i can see why you would say that and take it on the chin. I wanted to test my theory because these women were my best friends, people who I vented to, laughed, drank, partied and worked with. I guess I felt the need to know where i stood. Remember i know these women and how they operate so not too sure why they wouldn't tell me that i didn't fulfill their friendship criteria either. Sorry don't know how to acknowledge someone on here but @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus you're right I'm not bothered, I've moved on but some closure would be nice but i don't think I'll get it. Onwards and upwards....thanks for your time

Do you want to be friends with this person? How did you get on before the holiday plans went strange?
It's a good, straightforward message from her and she's made the point of saying what she misses and values in you. If you wanted to give a friendship a chance on the basis that it's seperate from the group, I would see if she wanted to catch up for a chat. You don't have to forget and can go in with firm boundaries initially until you see how it goes. Sometimes the fracture and repair of a friendship can be a good thing.
If, on the other hand, it looks like you'll only be Facebook 'friends' or she's just a flying monkey for the group, then I would leave it at that..

I think this sounds like a nice message from someone genuinely trying to build bridges. Of course it’s up to you but personally I’d give her a second chance.

I would ignore the message entirely. They all fell out with you,and treated you badly, including her and now she gets in touch and is blaming 'the others'?! No explanation, no apology! Don't let her suck you back into their drama club.

I'd reply saying of course I'm going to ask what happened with the others, I'm still waiting on an explanation why I was dropped so quickly.

Sounds as though she's the next "victim" to be dropped from the group.

Do you want to rekindle this friendship? That might change the tone of my reply but I think I'd be making it clear how hurt I was either way.

Why did you tell them you couldn't make those dates? I don't understand why you did that. What were you hoping to achieve?

I'm a forgiving soul generally, and think, in this situation, I would offer a small olive branch and offer to meet for a coffee or something. You ought to be able to judge from that whether you want to get back as friends of move on.

You said she said :"Don't in gods name ask me what fuckery went down with the others....I still can't believe it happened. ... to me that implies she wasn't really part of the decision about the holiday, or she's also fallen out with them and wants you to be her friend again.

I'd give her a chance, but then that's me ....

Honestly, I couldn't trust someone that had been involved in or connected with drama like that and didn't say something either to the group to defend me or to me separately to let me know they were still my friend.

When friends turn on you and other friends don't have the decency to stand by you then they made their choice, and hers wasn't you. Coming along a year later isn't good enough, it's far too late to suddenly reappear.

The entire situation sounds messy though and your holiday stunt was utterly ridiculous. If one of my friends hadn't had the foresight to book time off before we'd spent money on a trip and then decided she couldn't make the dates I'd be bloody furious too.

I sympathise with you. As a fellow aquarian myself I find the fewer "friends" I have the simpler my life is. I have a couple, er 1, close friend and I basically think all the other people in my life didn't get me and I was feeling like an outsider.
I think you're better off without friends like that. One quality friendship is better than any amount of false or strained friendships. Its hard to forget when people treat you bad and cutting you off after the holiday thing then getting back in touch now would play on my mind. I wouldnt trust her to be a real friend.

She's offering you an olive branch. I'd take it.

I honestly would just ignore it. Sounds like they fell out with her too. But they'll probably make up again, after she'd dragged you back. You'll just end up back in that circle again, waiting for the next time they cut you off. Forge new friendships and keep focusing on those.

I dont really get the holiday thing either. If you'd already all agreed on a date, paid a deposit and then you said you couldn't get time off work, what were you really expecting them to do apart from say 'oh that's a shame'. Presumably if they had all said 'we'll change the date to a date you can go' then someone else wouldn't have been able to go or youd have all lost deposits, which really isn't fair. It sounds like you were subjecting them to an unfair test where they could only lose.

It's obviously up to you what you do but I'd try not to read into it too much. Sometimes people don't have an ulterior motive. Maybe she has just realised that she misses you? If you feel you would like to see her again then go for it, if you don't then just send a polite message back and dont meet up, and move on

Sorry, but what you did was bloody weird. How is that testing a friendship?? You decide to go on holiday together, book it and pay it and then deliberately not go?? What are you on?

Thanks for your replies, some very sobering! to those who are questioning my weird behaviour over the holiday, I agree in hindsight probs not the best thing to do and yes it bit me on the ass.....big time.....i lost 4 friends.....I took a big hit. @Musti How is it testing a friendship? have you never had that gnawing feeling that something isn't right but you just can't put your finger on it? I had talked to the friend who has just messaged me just prior to them deleting me as their friend and voiced my concerns to her.....she knew I was concerned that something wasn't right but never said anything to me. The next thing I know I'm no longer their friend. Coincidence?? As for the holiday...no-one was going to be out of pocket apart from me that is and no I wouldn't have expected them to change the date.......I'm not that much of a twat. Olive branch or not how could I trust her?

Can you explain a bit more what happened about the holiday, OP?

But I still don't get how on earth that would have tested the friendship? It would have peed me off if we had all arranged to go on holiday and then one friend pulled out. Some things are unavoidable but what was your excuse? I would also feel guilty about a friend having to pay for a holiday she didn't go to but wouldn't want to pay through no fault of my own.

What reaction did you expect from them? To change it? It's so difficult to organise to go away when you have a family and work and what you did was incredibly childish and nonsensical and if that's indicative of your personality then maybe they have a reason to distance themselves from you.

That comment about "excessive sarcasm" is her inadvertently revealing one of the nasty back stabs which were discussed when they were busy ousting you - her included. She knows exactly what went down and at minimum went happily along with it (probably actively participated).

Now they've turned on her, turned her out, and she thinks you're her liferaft.

Sail right on by, OP. She's not even trustworthy as an acquaintance, let alone a friend.

I wouldn't trust her an inch.. never mind a mile.. do not respond.

If you play childish games with people then they you get these sorts of results. If you want closure reply like a grown up and ask what happened.

@bbcessex we go away every year together, it's always a bit of a challenge as there are 2 alphas in the group, very picky about where we go, stay, what we do & eat. I've always gone along with whatever plans have been made because for me it's just about being with my mates. I felt something was off for a while and had noted it on our last trip away but thought it was just in my head. As i mentioned earlier I had talked about my concerns with this friend just before they dumped me. I mentioned that I might not be able to go due to a rostering difficulty at work but was trying to work it out. I wanted to gauge where I stood in the pecking order of friendship.....clearly not that highly, then they just never spoke to me again till I messaged one of them and got told that it was me.....i had changed and they all felt the same way. @Musti like i've said previously no i didn't expect them to change the date, we've all got busy lives and i know how difficult it is to organise a trip away...we did it often enough but why would i want to go away with supposed friends when i knew something wasn't right. Is that something you would do? Incredibly childish and nonsensical you say....fair enough I held up my hands to that one, my self esteem took a bit of a battering over this but i at least know my self worth and won't be treated so badly by supposed friends. @PicsInRed you're probably right, sail on by i like that