Friendship dilemma

[blackbeardsghost]

Hey all,
just looking for some advice on how to handle this dilemma i find myself in. I've received a fb message from someone I thought i was no longer friends with. Background info is, I was very good friends with a group of ladies for over a decade. For some unknown reason last year they all fell out with me. We were supposed to be going on holiday but I felt that something wasn't right so decided to test my theory. I basically implied that I might not be able to get the time off for the holiday just to see what their reaction would be. Childish i know but well let's just say that they decided to fuck me off but not even in a nice way. So i lost out on all the money i had paid for the holiday plus obviously not being able to go on the holiday either. They basically just stopped talking to me. A couple of months later i messaged one of them who i had been closest to and told her that i was sad that our relationship had ended but i didn't know why. She replied that yeah it was sad but i had changed and the others felt the same way. I also live around the corner from another one of the friends and we walk our dogs in the same park. I have only ever bumped in to her a few times but each time she has made it clear (well at least to me) that she doesn't have the time for me. So bearing in mind that none of them has spoken to me in nearly a year I received a message from one of them today saying "Hey!!!! i was just thinking about my fellow aquarian and realised i've probs missed your birthday.....Don't in gods name ask me what fuckery went down with the others....I still can't believe it happened. Anyway just want to say i miss your wit and banter and the excessive sarcasm" cue lots of emojis.Now i don't know what to think apart from message back and say fuck off c#*!. If you made it this far help me :) What would you do??

I get why you wanted to test the waters before going on the holiday. Something wasn't right within the group and you wanted to see if by saying that you were no longer sure if you could make it, if they would say "Oh okay then" and move on, or "Oh, that's too bad, we'll miss you on the holiday, you're always great fun".
They didn't seem (from what you're saying) to do much of either, they just dropped you like a hot potato!
And just as quickly as you were dropped, out of nowhere, you've been contacted by one of these former "friends".

I agree with the suggestion by @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus to at least get one of them to acknowledge that they could have dealt with the holiday/friendship discussions better and you at least know where you stand before you get any further involved.

You not only lost out financially about the holiday, you lost 4 'friends' at the time too. Can they at least explain why they were thinking it was you and then you can at least work out why you thought it was them?

Seems like you have nothing to gain by rekindling any friendship, OP, and everything to lose.

As a PP said, when you said you may have problems with the holiday dates, I guess you were hoping for a reaction that showed disappointment you may not be able to go. That's only natural if you were feeling a bit unwanted.

They gave you the opposite - how horrible of them. By the sounds of your description, they didn't even act politely.

This current person was part of that.... can't see why you'd want to expose yourself to further upset.

Too little too late, I wouldn’t even bother replying. She had the chance to be honest with you when you asked her what was going on and she didn’t. She’s left it a whole year - so clearly she’s now been dumped by the rest of them?! She was an active participant and hasn’t spoken to you for a year. There’s your answer. Ignore it.

Thanks all for your replies and for those who "got" what i was trying to figure out about the holiday. I've decided that most of you guys are right what have i to gain and i certainly don't want to appear desperate for information regarding what happened. I don't think i'll ever know so might as well close the door finally. I do have other friends but they are not as close as this group were.....but it's taught me a lesson and I for one won't be getting too close to anyone again. Thanks for listening and the advice!!

A slightly different perspective but I find as I get older a little less tolerant if “friends” who initially agree to attend something (dinner drinks etc, not holidays as yet) who back out on the day or just before with a shit excuse. No financial loss but more like “why did you say you would come and then not”. Answer is I tend to stop including them in invitations as I know they can’t be arsed despite saying yes when invited

I'd reply back only to find out if she had now been dumped on her arse by them as well.

I'd be polite, but unless I was really lonely I wouldn't be rekindling any kind of friendship with her - she's shown her true colours & that she'd chuck you under the bus if it meant she stayed in the group. But in all honesty I'd feel better to be back on nodding terms, rather than having to avoid her.

You've been told this enough but I feel f
compelled to add that if you 'test' people they will always fail. I had a friend say she'd 'tested' me on something and it felt creepy as hell. We're no longer close friends.

then they just never spoke to me again till I messaged one of them and got told that it was me.....i had changed and they all felt the same way
Personally...that's exactly what i'd text back.....you have the same 'wit' and 'banter' and are the same person you were back then - and it wasn't good enough for her.
She dropped you - and there is no room in your life for fake friends.

She's probably fallen out with the others and thought "who can i call that isn't involved in this circle of people?"
She's desperate if she's reaching out to someone she dumped so coldly- and has very thick skin.

I think that if it was me curiosity would make me meet her and see what she had to say....even if it was just the once.

Hmm, when she said
"Don't in gods name ask me what fuckery went down with the others....I still can't believe it happened"
She knows full well what went on but doesn't want to tell you as it'll implicate her too because she wasn't on your side and she didn't have your back when you needed it the most. She's also trying to dismiss it and separate herself from it.
Sounds like they've ousted her from the group too.
Don't think I could ever trust someone again after that op.

Don’t reply.

I have a friend who 'tests' me. I find it very annoying and it makes me want to have less to do with her.

She is basically saying she doesn't trust me, she's paranoid and causing unnecessary drama. I won't be made to jump through hoops.

I have tried to be understanding but I'm near the end of my patience with her tests.

What response did you want when you said you might not able to go on holiday? Do you have a history of ‘testing’ friendships by pretending things?

I don't get how the test was ever going to help you. What were they meant to do?

I'd ask her what exactly the problem was

I'm confused by the testing too. I meet up with a group of women once or twice a year. It's always very tough to find times we can all make. One of them can be flaky so I'm never quite sure she'll make it. She's also the hardest to pin down for a date. It makes me feel that she's not that bothered about seeing me and when she doesn't come I'm more likely to feel annoyed and hurt than anything.. while I wouldn't dump her I would certainly be cooler towards her. So I think you have created part of the problem. If you like the woman who has been in touch then I would message her back. If you enjoy spending time with her and feel better for seeing her she's probably worth getting back in touch with. I wouldn't go back over the past too much as you hardly behaved brilliantly yourself.

Thank you for your replies, i guess I should really clear up any misunderstanding about my testing the group. It was a one time thing and i only did it because i felt something wasnt right. What was I hoping to achieve??? Whether I was valued as a friend, did they want me around or was I wasting my time. Did I expect them to change the dates etc....no not at all. They went on holiday with no financial incurrance of me not going. I can't help how my roster is....i did say i was working on doing some swaps but they just decided....behind my back mind you.... that they would go ahead without any thought for me and just never spoke to me again. Is that how you treat friends????

@GodolphianArabian.....im not sure how many times I need to repeat this........this was the only time I did this, I'm not flaky or hard work. Out of all of us I was probably the most laid back. I couldn't give a flying f@#% about where we went/stayed/ate....the others were but for me it was about time with friends. Things for me felt off, which I told said friend. She obviously knew shit was afoot but chose not to tell me. Why? Then soon after they all just stopped talking to me. Is that how you treat friends? Not trying to make out I'm some sort of saint but like I've said....it was once!

I get why you questioned their friendship – you had a gut feeling they were withdrawing from you/bitching behind your back and wanted to see how upset they'd be if you couldn't go. But testing them instead of confronting them about what was their problem with you is very immature and I suspect the friend you confided in guessed that's what you were planning to do and tipped them off and that's why they cut you off. I mean, why wouldn't they collectively decided behind your back to go on the holiday regardless of whether you could go – it's hard enough to rearrange one schedule, but a whole group's would be a nightmare! Plus you knew they'd lose money if they didn't go, so again it made sense for them to make that decision – especially if they knew you were really faking your work issue. If I was them I'd have been furious with you for pulling a stunt like that and causing loads of stress.

But to answer you question, no, don't reply to the friend who's messaged you. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. The group cutting you off must've had something to with what you told her. Let sleeping dogs lie. The whole thing sounds too messy and toxic to repair.

Sometimes your spidery senses tingle for no good reason. You can't change the past but it seems as if your suspicions were confirmed.

Personally, I wouldn't engage beyond thank you for the birthday wishes. You will forever be wondering if you can trust her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Falling out with friends, especially in an unclear way, can be very difficult.

Hold your head high, be kind but never forget that you are worthy of friendships which value you, warts and all.

If you think something isn't right, there are more adult and sensible ways of testing it - it's called talking.

This

You backed out of an already booked holiday and then wonder why they are pissed at you?

I’d meet her to find out exactly what had happened

THEN I’d decide if I wanted to trust this woman again

The deposits had been paid. Why wouldn't they go ahead?! It was a rubbish "test" because of course they were going to go. That had been decided (and paid for) before you tested them.

Creeping around the group, testing them and pulling one friend aside to say you feel somethings wrong is shitty. It's divisive of the group. The pressure is then put on that one person by you. And the others feel hurt you didn't talk to them. I know because I've been part of the group in strangely similar circumstances.

You still haven’t answered my question about what you actually wanted from your ‘test’, OP. You say it was to see if they valued your friendship, but also that you didn’t expect them to shift dates, so what could they have said or done that would have involved them ‘passing’ your test?

A big outcry about how they couldn’t go without you, while at the same time you’d told them a lie about not being able to get time off?

And surely in any case, anyone who’s booked a holiday will already have booked the time off, so it seems like an odd thing to have decided to claim after you’d paid your money. Perhaps they saw through your ruse and decided not to play along.

You also sound as if you hold your friends responsible for the fact that you lost the money and didn’t get to go on the holiday, when surely you admit that was your doing. You lied to your friends, you set them a ‘friendship test’, you decided they failed, and you chose not to go.

Sorry you've been hurt but I'm afraid I wouldn't think much of your friendship test. It's not just about the money, it can ruin the whole event if you've planned something (usually with great difficulty to agree on dates etc) then people start dropping out for spurious reasons. I wouldn't cut anyone off over it but I wouldn't fawn over them either or try to beg.

@Sleeveen what I wanted from the test was all down to their reaction. Would they be bothered or not. We were a tight knit bunch and I knew from their reaction just exactly where i stood. And no I don't hold them responsible for the loss of money. Just the loss of friendship. @crustcrab I wasn't creeping around the group at all, what a weird thing to put. Pulling a friend to one side is not shitty or divisive, I'm actually someone who doesn't like confrontation so therefore said to a friend during a coffee that I felt something was off. She knew there was but didn't say anything. Therefore would have let me go on holiday knowing that i wasn't really wanted there. Well great! that makes things awkward for everyone and to then fuck me off when we got back?? Even better. @1300cakes it wasn't a spurious reason it was a work reason. The trip was planned for 5 days during our days off....no annual leave just days off. I work for a big organisation and requested those days off....but it's not always guaranteed that you will get what you request. I was working on a swap but felt it better to mention the issue and thereby gauge/test their reaction. Still the wrong thing to do huh?

I'd be polite but basically, not re-engage.

She's shown you who she is so yeah, leave her to it.