Friendship dilemma

[blackbeardsghost]

Hey all,
just looking for some advice on how to handle this dilemma i find myself in. I've received a fb message from someone I thought i was no longer friends with. Background info is, I was very good friends with a group of ladies for over a decade. For some unknown reason last year they all fell out with me. We were supposed to be going on holiday but I felt that something wasn't right so decided to test my theory. I basically implied that I might not be able to get the time off for the holiday just to see what their reaction would be. Childish i know but well let's just say that they decided to fuck me off but not even in a nice way. So i lost out on all the money i had paid for the holiday plus obviously not being able to go on the holiday either. They basically just stopped talking to me. A couple of months later i messaged one of them who i had been closest to and told her that i was sad that our relationship had ended but i didn't know why. She replied that yeah it was sad but i had changed and the others felt the same way. I also live around the corner from another one of the friends and we walk our dogs in the same park. I have only ever bumped in to her a few times but each time she has made it clear (well at least to me) that she doesn't have the time for me. So bearing in mind that none of them has spoken to me in nearly a year I received a message from one of them today saying "Hey!!!! i was just thinking about my fellow aquarian and realised i've probs missed your birthday.....Don't in gods name ask me what fuckery went down with the others....I still can't believe it happened. Anyway just want to say i miss your wit and banter and the excessive sarcasm" cue lots of emojis.Now i don't know what to think apart from message back and say fuck off c#*!. If you made it this far help me :) What would you do??

OP, I think I can see where you were coming from. All you can do is move on from it now. I'm not sure what I'd do. Tbh, I'd probably ignore it but curiosity might tempt me to reply.

You could reply saying that you're surprised to hear from her after all this time and that you were upset to lose touch and ask her what on earth went on to cause her lack of contact?

This might help to give you some closure.

She might turn out to be a good sort really; reaching out with her olive branch and all that, maybe she's had a re-think?? However, I'd need a good explanation and a sincere apology before I'd let her in again.

Still the wrong thing to do huh?

Well if it's for work it can't be helped, but I'd still be annoyed, yes. Not sure if you've been on the other end of this, but I have, you work hard to set something up and everyone seems enthusiastic, then close to the day they start dropping out with an "oh well" attitude. Like I said, I wouldn't fall out with someone over it, but no I wouldn't fawn over them or beg.

Also if it was a work reason, surely it would be rude and pointless to beg someone to change their mind - they can't come and that's that. I'd respect that work comes first and just let it go.

what I wanted from the test was all down to their reaction. Would they be bothered or not.

OP, that sounds juvenile and manipulative.

@Andylion care to back that up??? Why juvenile or manipulative???? And @1300cakes you'd still be annoyed at something that is outside of the other person's control. Remember I did say i was working to find a swap and i had requested said days off?? And @SandAndSea thank you I appreciate it

Of course it's juvenile and manipulative to play those kinds of games with friends of a decade. I assume your friends wondered why you hadn't booked the holiday as annual leave, rather than booking it, paying for it, and then announcing you were at the mercy of your work roster and were only able to go if someone swapped with you. That sounds like a recipe for stress, money loss, and potentially pissing off both friends and colleagues.

In your OP you imply that this wasn't in fact true, anyway, you just 'implied' it to provoke a reaction from your friends, although now you seem to be claiming that it was in fact true that you couldn't go unless you swapped shifts with someone. Which is it?

You say yourself in your OP that it was 'childish'.

Childish i know but well let's just say that they decided to fuck me off but not even in a nice way.

You don't specify what this 'fucking you off' actually involved. Is it simply that they didn't all pile in saying 'Woe is us, we can't go without you!'?

I think there is some harsh replies here to th OP. She has admitted it could have been handled better but there is nothing worse than going away with a group of people and feeling unwelcome and unwanted. I am sure she has learned from this but some groups of women can be toxic as some of the harsh judgey replies on here demonstrate.

there is nothing worse than going away with a group of people and feeling unwelcome and unwanted

And that would have been unpleasant, had it actually happened.

OP I think that you did the right thing by not going on the holiday - you were proven 100% right that there was something “off” by their behaviour over the past year.

You are not being consistent with your story around the “test”’- was it a real situation or not?

Either way you did diplomatically bring it up with one friend - so you did talk and confront - but this was futile as she wasn’t helpful. I am not sure how realistic it would be to bring it up with the whole group face to face at once.

Unless there is one “Queen Bee” then who are “the group” and what did they “all do” - is it not a series of reactions by individuals.

Clearly the girl who got back in touch told them that you had raised concerns with her - but they decided not to address those but sent you to Coventry instead. Sounds like looks of communication failures and “off” dynamics in the group......which you had sensed already.

With groups like this once the first scapegoat has departed they start on another one. This is the texter.

She is either looking for gossip on you to update the others - but has already told you that she won’t be informing you what the issue was - so its a one way street. Don’t go up it.

Or they have ousted her now - and she needs friend - hence all the flattery.

Tough shit really - she didn’t have your back - and actively betrayed you. I wouldn’t accommodate her - just secretly enjoy the fact that you were right all along, she behaved badly and has now been stung.

Leave her to it - her behaviour was unforgivable. Invest in new friendships.

What would they have done to pass the test? I don't really get what it was you were expecting. That they offer to change the date? That they beg you to go? What was it?

I saw almost this same thing happen in a friendship group I was on the outskirts of. A group of them (I wasn't included in this, not an event I wanted to attend) had organised to go to a gig. My friend paid for all the tickets on her credit card, then decided she didn't 'feel part of the gang' and that the others hadn't repaid her quick enough. Friend actually withheld the tickets when nobody rallied round. I'm not sure how it ended as it all exploded and I'm not in touch with any of them. I know it resulted in a lot of unfriending on social media and tears.

I think the time, if there ever was one, to conduct your 'test' was not over the holiday. I get the uneasy feeling that goes with being part of friendship groups but I find quietly withdrawing usually yields answers eventually.

It wasn’t the most balanced test and it back fired on you, but you got your answer, lost your friends and have moved on, so that’s that. You don’t sound like you want to be friends with this one that had contacted you, so don’t engage. If you do want to be friends again I’d still tell her that too much time has passed for the friendship to be picked up again without explaining what the heck happened.