How did you go on when your parents passed ?

[Werkinggirl]

For those of you whose parents have passed or one of your parents. Mine are both still alive, but getting older, life is short and that time will come. I'm incredibly close to mine, also have a younger brother (12 years younger) who I care dearly about. I worry about anything happening to them and I don't think i'd be able to go on living if they went. I'm single with no children either so I would have nobody.

My mum died and the grief was indescribable. Two and a half years on it makes me sad but I'm coping. I have accepted it, which I was unable to do until recently- I literally couldn't fathom that she'd died. It's a weird adjustment especially in terms of 'who would I call in an emergency ', I really miss calling her and venting about my week- she was very good at listening (or maybe she just put the phone down and said mmhmmm every now and again. I miss her most when I need to ask her stuff like, how do I get pleats back into my bridesmaid dress. Stuff like that- stuff you need a grown up for (even if you're a grown up yourself!)

I lost my Dad at 71 on Father’s Day last year. Supporting my mum meant that from minute one I was doing and arranging things so I have just had to go on. To be honest I feel like I haven’t really had time to process my own grief.

One thing I have found though is I feel less like doing things - self-preservation I suppose, as I get really tired going back and forth to see my mum as well as feeling sad and working, being a parent etc. I have booked a couple of holidays with my mum as a positive thing to focus on but otherwise I have lost interest in planning too much else.

Emma your situation sounds similar to mine. In my case, it’s because all my psychological energy goes into looking after mum. I couldn’t even watch new things on TV. Zero brain space. That lasted about six months I think.

Yes me too Autumn. I find friends don’t really get quite how much energy I don’t have left! I am forever declining things then feeling guilty at the moment. Though I have rubbish short-term memory lately which is another reason I don’t want to plan too much. I just don’t have the brain space.

Emma hopefully they understand

I panicked at the start and went out a couple of times and couldn’t string a sentence together, so I suppose of anyone was in doubt, that would have cleared it. Decent friends will be there when you emerge from this bit.

Emma, autumn, I totally get this and have no one in a similar situation to understand.
The first few days I couldn't speak properly and now, 3 weeks on, I still can't go out without a family member. Friends keep trying to get me to go out for drinks, take my mind off it etc, I'm like wtf, why would I. I tried last Friday, it was awful, someone had to take me back to my dad's house. I'm just not ready, nowhere near.

And the TV thing, totally get that. And being off work means I'd like to get stuck into some box sets but I can't focus on anything, forget details of stuff constantly.

Sub I’m so sorry

If you want to read anything, a children’s book might be good. I read Carrie’s War, I think after about a month.

I only watched shows I already knew....until Fleabag about six months later. But if you’ve not watched it, there’s bereavement issues there too I’m afraid.

Some people said to me, as has been said on this thread, “it doesn’t get better, it gets different”.

But for me, it absolutely got better. So I hope it does for everyone here

I'm very sorry @AutumnRose1 that my clumsy phrasing got to you and not in a good way.

It was absolutely not my intention.

Now I hope that this doesn't make what I said worse.

Head down, soldier on, by the time you look up again a lot of it is has passed.

@Cameron2012 teared up a bit when I read your post, in a good way though. Still think of the pain when my beloved Dad died almost 9 years ago. You never really get over the death of a loved one in my opinion but time is a great healer, corny as that sounds. Life does go on X

Ive lost both my parents and to be honest, I find statements like "I couldn't go on living without them" a tad insulting. Does that imply the fact I'm still here means I didnt love my parents as much as you loved yours? see what I mean?

What choice do you have? I dont think my parents would have wanted me to kill myself once they'd gone and I certainly wouldnt want that for my kids. So, you grieve, it hurts beyond all measure and you carry on. There is no other choice is there?

Support and a hug to everyone. My parents have both died over the last two years. It’s been tough. Really bewildering they are gone.
I’ve just coped because you do.
A few things have made it easier than it might have been - I don’t have any regrets about anything and I know for sure they would want nothing more than for me and my siblings to be ok (well after some grieving fo course !).
My mental health has been fragile at times through grief and stress and anxiety but overall I’ve got to a place where I miss them every day, have a cry every now and then but am just getting on with living.

I'm deal with death quite well, I have had to, so many losses. My Mum died at 60 a year after a cancer diagnosis, that was 17 years ago, I was 33, I had a 4 year old and I feel so sad that both her and my Mum missed out on the grandparent relationship I was lucky enough to have into my 30's. My Dad is now very elderly and has Alzheimers so I will be facing his loss sooner rather than later. I lost my younger brother recently, very suddenly. However, life goes on. What are you supposed to do? I can't let grief consume me. I just can't. I've got an 8 year old son with SEN, I am an older mum. You just have to get on with it and adjust to the new normal

My dad died at 43 when I was in my early teens. Back then (mid 90s) it was very much a case of getting back to as normal a life as possible. If there were bereavement charities out there for kids they were never pointed out and the internet wasn't as widespread as it is now.

It was hard at the time and I have missed him an important events (wedding, birth of DC) but so much time has now passed as to render him a nice memory.

To say you couldn't go on living is a bit dramatic. We all expect to lose our parents, I just didn't expect to lose one of mine so soon. You need to have other things in your life to help you carry on.

I feel utterly selfish just writing this because I'll admit to not even reaching the end of the OP before being gripped by utter fear. I'm very close to my parents and I dread the future. I'm 47 and my parents are 75 and 81. They are incredible people and we all rely on one another in our daily lives.

I know I'm very lucky compared to probably most if not all people on this thread - but when I (too often) think of the inevitability of our lives, my heart aches.

How does one cope? I'm at a loss to even prepare myself for this.

I'm sorry for my selfish musings. Love and light to you all.

My mum died on New Year's Day, it was expected, it was a long unforgiving illness, so was a blessed release in the end.

You just get through it, you drag through the days, you keep doing the stuff that needs doing and you cry a lot. Sometimes you feel like you are on your knees wading through treacle, others you crave the joyfulness going on around you,

Inside you are thinking "my mum is dead" outside you paint on a smile and face the world, still need to earn a crust, still need to nag the kids, and walk the dog - life goes on just the same - letting it do so is what helps you through.

to all who are going through the same.

@beyondmywits

So sorry for recent your loss. You explained the grieving process perfectly

Big hugs

beyond, I'm so sorry.

To you all, how do we reconcile with this? It's the one common ground we all share - loss of this magnitude.

I lost my best and life long friend at age 14 and my brother at 20. I honestly don't think I'll survive another major loss. You'd think such exposure would prepare us, but it makes me even more frightened.

I grew up experiencing death often, particularly of children (sibling with a rare, life-limiting condition, so time in and out of hospitals and children’s hospices, close friends I grew up with and babies I would babysit for), it really coloured my idea of life and death.

I have a very stark and pragmatic view of death in that it will happen to us all, and if we’re lucky enough to make it to adulthood and leave a mark, however small, on the world then it’s not something to be sad about. So when my dad died, it was a celebration of the person he was and the difference his presence has made in the lives of others.

I know that view will likely be in the minority, but there it is.

honestly don't think I'll survive another major loss I'm not really sure what you mean by this? We dont have a choice but to survive, the only other option is to give up and end our lives. I dont believe for one second thats what my parents would wish for me.

Humans have survived loss for as long as we have existed. In the olden days, people could lose multiple children. It was horrific. But the human race carried on didnt it? Our will to survive is strong and we keep going.

I think people say they couldn't keep going because nothing else will express their horror at the thought but in reality, you would keep going. We all do.

Argh I'm sorry - I'm asking the same question as OP. I'm sorry werkinggirl. This thread must have opened up an old wound.

Nearly 4 years since my Mum died. The first year was awful and I cried every day. But the pain has changed although like the poster who so eloquently described it like a shipwreck, there are still days when it hits hard.
I miss her but my life was and is, more than that relationship. We were incredibly close and she was my most trusted and reliable friend. But I can and do, live without her.
Curiously since her death I've had to rethink how I feel about myself too. I am changed by this.
There's still so much to enjoy and live for. My Mum would want me to still be happy.

Its just a new way of living.

My mum was early 50's.

My sister was only 16....

You just learn.... You have to