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Original poster

He tells me he loves me still.. but something is telling him to end it.

69 replies

caitbarker · 23/01/2020 16:23

My partner and i have been together for roughly a year, i moved my whole life 100 miles away to live with him (and his family) after madly falling in love after meeting randomly at work. He has a daughter and i have been in her life for approx. 8 months now- she is the best thing thats happened to me.. as well as him. We've always had bickers or disagreed on some things but we have always overcome these problems, by laughing it off etc.

The past week or so we have bickered every day, whether thats me moaning at him because he's not bothered communicating with me or him getting jealous of something i have done. Then on Tuesday, we met after work after a weekend of nearly breaking up. We met at the spot we had our first kiss.

He gave me a massive hug and said he was making it very clear he wasn't ending the relationship but he felt like he needed to end it because he was pushed slightly over the line. This literally ripped my heart out of my chest. We spoke for an hour and a half and he said he does not want to end us, he loves me with all his heart and i am the best thing thats happened to him.. however, he just needs time to get over how he is feeling. Everyone wants us to stay together, even his parents and baby mum (who i get on really well with).

He told me in order for it to improve he needs me to be positive and happy, but im finding it really difficult not to cry or be hurt because of what he said. I feel like i need to give him space but in the same breathe i want him to just come home one evening, grab me and kiss me and tell me we are ok. He told me today he is really trying and we just need to be patient.

i feel so alone, how should i be?

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/01/2020 16:26

Moving all that way so soon for him was a very bad plan. You didn’t know him.

You’ve now found out there are some things you dislike about him and perhaps some compatibility issues and challenges.

He’s been honest that he is uncertain about your future. Act accordingly, prioritise your life and work, and reduce your contact with his DC.

His family and ex’s opinions are irrelevant.

PicsInRed · 23/01/2020 16:26

Google Lundy Bancroft's "The Headworker."
I wonder if he love bombed you.
Are you doing the caring work when his daughter is with you?

I wonder if his family are also lovebombers and manipulative.

Dozer · 23/01/2020 16:27

His encouraging you to move locations so soon, “getting jealous” and suggesting that you should suppress your emotions and be cheerful are big red flags.

RLEOM · 23/01/2020 16:34

How long had he been single since splitting up from his ex? Some men move on too quickly, love bomb to heal their wounds, never fully heal, and then eventually crumble. Maybe that hasn't happened to you but I've seen it happen a lot.

Scatterlit · 23/01/2020 16:36

how should i be?

You should be kicking yourself that your judgement was poor enough to move your entire life for someone you hardly knew, and who is turning out to be a controlling wanker, who, not content with getting you to move your entire life for his convenience is now telling you he will only consider continuing the relationship if you behave in a certain way.

Seriously, OP, grow up. Prioritise your life and yourself, because he's certainly not taking you into account. His family and the mother of his daughter's feelings towards you are irrelevant. In your shoes, I'd be moving home and working on my self-esteem, and trying to figure out the pattern of poor boundaries and bad judgement that led me to this position so it never happens again.

Original poster
caitbarker · 23/01/2020 16:48

@PicsInRed @Dozer @RLEOM @Scatterlit

he was single for over a year and a half.

i get what you are all saying, but he cried in front of me about it and said the last thing he wants to do is break up, just in his head he is struggling to process things. (that's how he is).

it isn't that easy for me to walk away considering i am in love with him. he stood there and told me he loved me and pictures us being together forever and would kick himself if he lost the best thing in his life. i am an insecure person as it is and came on here for support.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 16:59

You are getting support OP. It may not be what you want to hear, but it IS support. Everything was too much too soon. Him telling you to be positive and happy translates as make yourself small and fit in with HIS way, have no opinions or emotions of your own.

He probably picked up on your insecurity, and now you've moved into his territory, wants full control of you.

Scatterlit · 23/01/2020 17:03

Whether or not you're in love is irrelevant. What's at issue is whether you're prepared to let yourself be mistreated by your boyfriend.

He's really got you exactly where he wants you, doesn't he? You've moved for his sake, and now he's got you all worried about his sensitive feelings and 'processing' difficulties, and whether you can be patient, undemanding and cheerful enough to make him decide not to break up with you.

Are you very young and/or very inexperienced in relationships, OP? You sound it. You seem to be accepting as gospel that his needs trump yours.

BrigidSt · 23/01/2020 17:03

So what's his actual problem, he feels 'pushed over the line'? Sounds like bollocks to me, he's withdrawing whilst telling you you're the love of his life, because you've behaved unreasonably and he can't handle it? Hard to tell from what you've said if he's being reasonable or not, have you overstepped boundaries? Sounds like textbook its not you its me ending the relationship. If there's not much wrong truly then he's controlling, manipulative, threatening you with the end to manage your behaviour.
You can leave him for manipulative bullshit like that.

Scatterlit · 23/01/2020 17:03

You are getting support OP. It may not be what you want to hear, but it IS support.

Yy.

Dozer · 23/01/2020 17:06

Actions are what is important. How has he treated you?

user3575796673 · 23/01/2020 17:08

You are getting support OP. It may not be what you want to hear, but it IS support

Agreed.

Encouraging someone to stay in an unhealthy and controlling situation is unconscionable and not supportive.

If he genuinely loves you be wouldn't be treating you like this.

Original poster
caitbarker · 23/01/2020 17:14

We've just bickered over pointless things and its built up and built up.

I have overstepped previously, but so has he. We often communicate and are honest with each other. In his head, if someone in his eyes is 'attacking' him then he gets defensive and shuts down, which isnt the best way to resolve things. He knows this. He admitted he hasnt been the best. I am the sort of person who always puts everyone else before myself and i know i can get masked by other peoples behaviour and influenced easily.

he rang me after work and we had a little laugh etc.. but i just feel empty inside and feel like i am in limbo. i dont want to lose the best thing thats ever happened to me and i feel heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
caitbarker · 23/01/2020 17:16

@Dozer the past few days have been rough as i know he is struggling but even my mum has said it is unfair to keep me in 'the unknown' and how long will it last for.

i love him with all my heart and it just makes me feel like i wont be good enough for anyone if i can't make him happy. i honestly do everything i can for him

OP posts:
RunsForGummyBears · 23/01/2020 17:18

Here's done you a favour. Get rid, sort yourself out and never move that fast in a relationship again!

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 17:25

i honestly do everything i can for him

And there you have it. People have no respect for anyone who does this, especially boyfriends/partners. He will push and push you into being a shadow of yourself. Endlessly changing the goal posts - giving you 'one more chance' time after time until you get it right. And you never can, because he enjoys having this power over you.

Why did him and the mother of his child split?

Original poster
caitbarker · 23/01/2020 17:27

They split up because she ended it and when their baby was born- they were both 19 so still young. They are just friends and have been since we've been together. She also has a partner.

i just feel like my whole life is falling apart and i am on eggshells until he decides if we can get over this or not. i feel useless

OP posts:
Scatterlit · 23/01/2020 17:34

i just feel like my whole life is falling apart and i am on eggshells until he decides if we can get over this or not. i feel useless

And this is your problem. Grow a backbone, OP. Let him sort his own shit out. Concentrate on your life, and make it plain you won't be hanging about on tenterhooks doing the 'pick me' dance.

Or save yourself a lot of grief and just leave, return to your old life and your home place, and do the Freedom programme and get a good counsellor to help work on why you think it's normal to construct yourself as completely unimportant in relation to someone else's feelings.

Because, as is obvious from this thread, he also thinks you have nothing better to do than hang around trying to get a gold star for good behaviour in the hope he will decide to continue a relationship. Until the next time you step out of line and challenge him on something, when he'll tell you've overstepped the invisible mark again, and he needs to take some time to decide whether he wants you or not.

user3575796673 · 23/01/2020 17:36

I second the Freedom Programme recommendation.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 17:38

Time to take back control. Don't be a passenger in your own life OP. Shame you moved to be with him, but now you see why it was a bad idea. Can you move back home?

Being in love should not mean being on eggshells. He is LOVING this. Having the power to make or break you, depending on his mood at the time.

Remove that power.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 23/01/2020 17:41

Tricky, I could not live with someone I ended up bickering with daily

Some people think that is normal, but for me that would be a reason to end it

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/01/2020 17:43

I feel as though he's doing this to destabilise you. Do you make lots of effort every time you 'bicker', afterwards, to be extra nice to him and to be his ideal woman? Because, to me, this sounds as though he wants you always to be quiet, compliant, happy, smiley and never cross and never have any wants of your own.

So what's his explanation for telling you that he will only be with you in future if you are cheerful and happy? Is it to make you terrified of voicing any feelings of disatisfaction, perhaps? Because you are so scared that he will break up with you if you show any real feelings?

Thelnebriati · 23/01/2020 17:47

He's playing games, and that should be all you need to know to walk away.

He is hinting that if you do enough, if you are nice enough, he may decide to keep you. If he wasn't being controlling he would state specifically ''XYZ needs to change for me to be happy''.

If you give him this, if you pass this hurdle he'll just demand something else. there'll be no end to it.

Please take the Freedom Program, and read Lundy Bancroft.

toomanyleggings · 23/01/2020 17:57

Too much of a sure thing, you should not have moved in with him. Never move in without a ring and a wedding date set. He tried you out and got too much too soon. Move out and start seeing him once a week if HE wants to make the journey

Lipz · 23/01/2020 17:59

You sound very young, is this your first relationship ?

Imo things moved too quickly. Especially with his dd.

In a relationship you should not have to change who you are, you should not have to be 'positive' and 'happy ' all the time, no one is positive and happy all the time. You should not have to be doing everything for him to make you happy, a successful relationship is when 2 people love each other, accept each others faults, communication, being happy for each other, respect for each other. It doesn't sound like he does any of these.

Sometimes when we are blinded by love we can't see what's really happening. I think this is what is happening in your case. You can't/don't want to see a future without him so are willing to put up and do anything to stay with him. No amount of comments here telling you to end it is going to sink in, this is something you need to see/discover for yourself.

It's not a healthy relationship and I do hope you realise this soon.