He tells me he loves me still.. but something is telling him to end it.

[caitbarker]

My partner and i have been together for roughly a year, i moved my whole life 100 miles away to live with him (and his family) after madly falling in love after meeting randomly at work. He has a daughter and i have been in her life for approx. 8 months now- she is the best thing thats happened to me.. as well as him. We've always had bickers or disagreed on some things but we have always overcome these problems, by laughing it off etc.

The past week or so we have bickered every day, whether thats me moaning at him because he's not bothered communicating with me or him getting jealous of something i have done. Then on Tuesday, we met after work after a weekend of nearly breaking up. We met at the spot we had our first kiss.

He gave me a massive hug and said he was making it very clear he wasn't ending the relationship but he felt like he needed to end it because he was pushed slightly over the line. This literally ripped my heart out of my chest. We spoke for an hour and a half and he said he does not want to end us, he loves me with all his heart and i am the best thing thats happened to him.. however, he just needs time to get over how he is feeling. Everyone wants us to stay together, even his parents and baby mum (who i get on really well with).

He told me in order for it to improve he needs me to be positive and happy, but im finding it really difficult not to cry or be hurt because of what he said. I feel like i need to give him space but in the same breathe i want him to just come home one evening, grab me and kiss me and tell me we are ok. He told me today he is really trying and we just need to be patient.

i feel so alone, how should i be?

Well it could be as the pps suggest that he has a master plan to manipulate and coerce you into being a submissive partner.

Truth be told neither of you seem able to break through the bickering. That’s no way to live. No matter what feelings of love you have for each other. You have to enjoy it and each other. A good relationship is one that makes you a better person not a worse one.

The signs are there that you don’t work for each other. Don’t mess up each other’s lives any further. Every day with every bicker you get hurt. But unless you both move on from each other you will feel hurt eternally, day after day. A period of pain now is better than that.

He told me in order for it to improve he needs me to be positive and happy

This is all you need to know. In order for him to be happy you have to stop being you.

He does not love you. He has told you that for him to love you you have to be someone else. How can you possibly have any desire to stay with a man not only wishes you were a different person, but is now starting to force you to comply?

End it now. You are already starting to be a little in love with the idea that you are not 'good enough'. It is a sort of anorexia, going down that path. Stop that now. It can be an addiction because it paradoxically makes you feel better about yourself and more in control as the self-sacrificing one.

And as pp suggested, do the Freedom Program. You need urgent help in order to know the difference between making an adjustment in order to live together with someone, and letting another person completely redefine your boundaries for you. The fact you give any weight to what other random people who are not actually in your relationship think about whether you should be together or not is worrying.

This is unlikely to be “the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s an intense relationship, you took a huge risk and things are not working out as you hoped, probably because he has other sides he chose not to show you.

Suggest working on your self esteem. He is one person.

To be honest it sounds that at a fundamental level the two of you just don't get on that well...something's not working. You need love AND compatibility to make a relationship work. Love on its own isn't enough.

However I'm quite sure the op will have scarpered from the thread now, the amount of put downs and criticisms she has had when she is feeling so low.. some people just love to put other people down...makes them feel better about their own lives I guess by telling someone else theirs is a bit shit.

He wants you gone.. He just doesn't have the BALLS to be the bad guy... it's over OP. Pack your stuff and go home...

He is conditioning you to behave yourself.
This is not a healthy relationship.
What have you done that he is jealous of? Talking to another man?

You do sound very young.

i dont want to lose the best thing thats ever happened tome

He's potentially the worst thing that will ever happen to you. His partner left after the baby was born - that's because abusive men often worsen in pregnancy or after birth. She probably likes you because you ensure her child is cared for when with him - which he wouldn't.

The best thing that will ever happen to you is not getting pregnant to him and therefore not being trapped and tied to him (and his family) forever.

Many women love abusers. It doesn't make their lives any less ruined. Please move back home.

@AskEvans, well, feel free to say ‘U ok, hun?’ and , but the fact is the OP needs the tough love she’s getting here. Even if she doesn’t want to hear it, or not now.

He wants sex with you but not a relationship with you.

He's met someone else

He's an emotionally unavailable future-faker.

He's a narcissist, getting off on your pain and upset by forcing you to pretend to be smiley happy all the time, whilst inside you're unhappy but feel you can't voice that.

Any or all of the above.

Tell him to get to fuck. He's not made of solid gold is he? He's messing with your head. You've not known him THAT long. He's not your husband

If you act sensibly and get this confusing nonsense out of your life then you will get over him.

He sounds utterly ridiculous, spouting that load of waffle. If you stay he will take you for a fool then dump you anyway soon enough.

Sometimes as women when we're told what the score is we have to listen.

So sorry you're going through this @caitbarker . It must be awful. Hugs xxx
The PP's have good ideas- you deserve better than someone who is treating you in a way that must make you feel anxious and beyond insecure. xx

It all sounds very intense and dramatic.
I'm confused as to what he is actually saying. It sounds like he is sending mixed messages- no wonder you are confused.
Why did you move so soon to live near him? Do you live together or just near him?

He NEEDS you to a positive and happy for it to succeed- what a load of rubbish. That's just him putting all the responsibility for the success of the relationship on you. Oh nothing to do with him, it's because you're not positive and happy.. OP surely you can hear how utterly ridiculous this him. Fuck him....tell him to be positive and happy!

OP, I was in a relationship where my ex was disappointed/upset that I wasn't happier and more cheerful.

I tried.

You know what happened? I put energy into faking it, it still wasn't good enough for him (probably due to the fact that I was faking it!!) and it killed my sense of self-worth for a while and resulted in a huge amount of resentment building up.

You cannot change yourself like that. That's you. He either takes it or leaves it, basically!

He told me in order for it to improve he needs me to be positive and happy

Can you not see how wrong this is, how controlling? He doesn't want an independent, intelligent woman, he may as well have a blow up sex doll. They are always available and positive and happy; I would buy him one and move back.

Why are you wasting your love on someone who appears not to love or respect you?

OP, this is not a good relationship with a good man. It is a manipulative relationship, one, in which you can never win, never get it right. I hope you find the strength to leave this man, he will never make you happy.
Best of luck OP.

From what you've said he's in his early 20s, are you too?

He is not the best thing to happen to you. You not happy with his behaviour and when you critique him, he does this.

Leave him, you are young. You'll meet someone who treats you properly. But when you do, take your time, don't rush to move in.

He is being abominably cruel to you.

OP his actions aren’t the actions of a kind man.

You will never be someone when you are constantly monitoring your behaviour to avoid upsetting them. Get out now and find someone you can be yourself with or just enjoy being single.

@caitbarker

You have your own power here, do not forget that. Don’t fall into the trap of the sunken costs scenario where you mentally trap yourself because you’ve moved to be with him, his child/child’s mum/family love you, you love him. Yes you’ve moved there, you can just as easily move back, yes his child may love/like you - but that child has a mum and does not need you, same goes for his family. Don’t let the weight of all that rest heavy on your shoulders, you need to remember to put yourself first because no one else is going to do it, believe me!! You need to be happy for you, and at the moment you are so consumed with worrying about the fact that he’s said he’s not happy you’ve not even stopped to think about yourself and if your happy!

Just as he has the right to pause things, declare he needs space, ultimately doesn’t want to lose you blah blah blah. You have the same right to say to him that you’ve moved your whole life over to where he is and that you are absolutely not prepared to be kept dangling with the carrot of a supposedly happy future in your face. Either he grows up, talks to you and you work it out like adults in a relationship or your walking away. I’ll be honest here and say I would walk away, but then I’ve been in your position and bent over backwards and jumped through hoops before, only for those hoops to get continually higher and higher, so high I never reached them!!. Knowing what I know now, with age and experience under my belt, I would simply pack my bags and be gone. Yes it would sad for the child, his family, him, you, but you come first....so put yourself first. It’s taken me far to long in life to realise that the only way to get what you want and be treated the way you deserve to be is to demand it of yourself and others. In short, don’t put up with the shit! Life it to short to spend it putting up with shit!

Neither of you knew each other well enough to live together too soon.

You seem to worship the ground he walks on and have put him on a pedestal... I personally find that unhealthy in a relationship.

You can love someone with the adoration and acting like he is your reason for living. It's too much.

I think he has probably realised the moving in so soon was a bad idea and just feels bad about how he feels... because you moved to be with him.

It's over.

Sounds like he has big doubts and he's covering up this by talking about Yr behaviour.

Just so you all know, he broke up with me 5 days after this post.. after saying he wants to 'try'.

he has left me homeless, i got into debt for him and broke me off. he is STILL communicating with me telling me how much he loves me but cant be with me. as well as been confusing and messing with my head, he is also on social media flaunting how ok he is but also telling me he is struggling.

i just want to say thanks for you all helping and being honest.. i am now out of a toxic relationship that i was blind to see.

@Lillygolightly thank you so much for your help.

although he ended it, walking away and not chasing him has been hard however i am starting to realise my worth and that is wasnt a good relationship to be in

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

For your own sanity and self respect, can you block him on all social media so then he can't continue to torment you and mess around with your mind.

Well done for being tough enough to walk away and not chase him. Be proud of yourself for looking after yourself.