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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you think he’s not interested if he did this?

77 replies

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 12:45

Met online, had 5 dates, not slept together but done plenty else. He’s said a lot of nice things, hasn’t been overbearing but has suggested follow on dates and things for us to do.

We had a loose plan to meet this weekend. We spoke last night and it was nice, I said I couldn’t commit to Friday night because of work (won’t say what as it’s outing).

I realised this morning I could feasibly see him tonight on my way home as a home visit has been cancelled. Text him to suggest it, he’s been online but not replied.

I don’t want to waste my time and as I really like him I don’t want to make a mistake and carry on if this is a clear sign he’s not actually that arsed.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Menora · 23/01/2020 17:00

You need to learn to like yourself and value yourself

Make yourself happy
Don’t compare yourself to others
Learn to be happy single (not just busy, happy)

Usually manage this through time, space, friendships and counselling

Menora · 23/01/2020 17:05

I will be back later with some more advice!

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 17:11

Thanks Menora.

The thing is I am happy...I have a nice life with lots of friends and very independent. This is why it is so frustrating. When I like someone I do tend to react like this and analyse things

OP posts:
Menora · 23/01/2020 17:11

Ok OP, Answer honestly what does it feel like to you to be single?

Why do you feel that way?

What would it mean to you to meet a partner?

What would it change about your life?

Menora · 23/01/2020 17:12

What do you need in a man? What do you want in hkm?

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 17:13

I want a relationship a lot because it’s the one part of my life that feels like a gap. Everything else is great.

I have had lots of opportunities to be in relationships and I break things off when it doesn’t feel right. I’m not desperate in the sense that I want just anyone. But when I find someone I do want, it is a whole other story!

OP posts:
KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 17:14

And as for why I want a relationship...because I want someone to share my life with. That matters to me but I won’t do it with someone I’m not sure about. With my track record I could have written this particular man off by next week!!

OP posts:
Menora · 23/01/2020 17:15

What is happy in your life? What makes you happy?

You said you had a busy life. That doesn’t mean it’s a happy one

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 17:15

It is happy. But I do want someone to share it with.

OP posts:
Startedoutasfriends · 23/01/2020 17:22

So I’d feel the same as you OP and in my experience, when they’re keen, they go all in!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/01/2020 17:22

I just think if he was keen he’d be happy about it and reply straight away? I would

And therein lies a drastic assumption: that he thinks and behaves like you. This is also to do with poor boundaries: an inability to imagine the other person as autonomous and able to live without you (given that you find it a struggle to separate yourself from him because every thing he does requires analysis).

Keep on at the therapy, which should help.

thickwoollytights · 23/01/2020 17:26

I’m someone who when I like someone I go all in...it’s not the best way to be. In my head he’s not bothered because for me, I’d have definitely seen him later. The fact he’s said no makes me think that’s that. But I can see I’m jumping to conclusions and that from an outside point of view it’s too much for 5 dates

You need to give your head a serious wobble. ConfusedHmm

Menora · 23/01/2020 17:57

Ok it sounds like you have good boundaries so that’s a positive thing

It is also a thing to be so hyper aware of red flags/bad behaviour from men that you jump to make assumptions about people before giving them the opportunity to respond to you. This is probably due to being treated badly in the past and all the stupid stuff other women will tell you ‘if he likes you you will know it he will drop everything’. This is not true whatsoever so you probably need to rewrite this all again from a rational perspective

Also all those threads about ‘love at first sight’ and ‘meeting the man of your dreams in tescos’ is very often wishful thinking and not actually the reality for a lot of people. Women tend to try to sell other women 2 things - 1. The dream of Prince Charming and 2. That all men are awful

Sexist stereotyping is something we grow up with - men make all the running and means they are keen. This is maybe true in a confident man and also a game playing one.
Which one is which? Who knows? You know by the other things they do. A man who will drop everything to see you is not the ideal man. The man who is polite to you and treats you nicely by responding to you (even if it is a no) has a good chance of being a nice guy. He has boundaries. You have them why can’t he?

Firstly remember that the face everyone has on them they present to the world in dating is their best self.

You can’t invest in someone’s best self face can you, because you need time to get to know who they really are. Otherwise you risk throwing yourself into something way too fast and you will get hurt.

It’s really tempting to want to rush the whole first part of dating and move to an exclusive committed relationship because it feels safer and you are more in control of it. But in reality you are just as in control of your own life whether he texts you back or not. No one is forcing you to date anyone.

Someone not wanting to be with you isn’t always a reflection of you, it could also be them and their own issues. Wasting time trying to work people out all the time is energy you could spend on doing something productive

You need to rethink things
How are you making the other person feel when you don’t give them the opportunity to reply to you, or you always think the worst of them. It is not a nice feeling for the other person to feel like they need to prove something, it is unfair and controlling.

You need to stop for a moment before you do anything needy and attention seeking and ask yourself ‘is this going to be embarrassing? Should I do that? Why am I doing it’. Put phone down and walk away from it

You can only control what you do, not others. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you are trying to manipulate or engineer things that make you feel better maybe at the detriment to the other person

And walk away if something doesn’t feel right. Don’t waste your life trying to analyse and fix and work around something that just isn’t right for you

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 18:03

Wow thank you! This is so helpful to read.

I think maybe one of the things I do is jump right in with reactionary replies rather than just thinking and being calm. I’ve definitely always had the mindset that if a man wants you he shows it but then this man doesn’t really even know me yet properly. It’s far to soon. And that’s what I need to try and remember and take a step back from. It’s hard not to get carried away when you’ve dated a lot and finally meet someone you feel excited about.

OP posts:
Menora · 23/01/2020 18:13

Yeah I see that all the time
If he likes you he will go above and beyond. Well if he’s got a job and responsibilities that’s just not going to happen in reality.

And I don’t think that is what is meant by ‘if he likes you, you will know it’. Your interpretation of this sentiment is what suits you. If someone likes you, you should know it. Because they are nice to you.

You wanting to drop plans to see him is putting your own needs first and that is a selfish act not a selfless one. You want to signal to him that he is important so you are willing to make whatever sacrifices are required (this is not a great boundary to be honest) - and you want this in return as proof of his feelings

You don’t need to play any games with him, if you are free then spend time with him. Enjoy the time you spend together and live in the moment, not trying to rush through to the next stage. Taking risks are scary we all know that

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2020 18:44

Everything is a rejection to me even when I’m not being rejected

I think you're very insightful.

On the surface a lot of people are pretty confident and 'together'; but dear god they have that deep down fear of abandonment shit going on that plagues a lot of us. Advice? Consciously take your time getting to know someone. Work on your own issues, not his.

SophieSong · 23/01/2020 19:07

When you say you go all in what do you mean by that exactly?

Aminuts23 · 23/01/2020 19:19

If someone I was seeing suddenly suggested meeting that night I’d hate that. It might be just me but I have no plans after a busy day and that is a plan in itself. I just want to chill and be alone. The request itself would have put me off a bit. I don’t like surprises and my time to myself is valuable. Just chill a bit, it will get you a lot further

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 20:42

I need to learn how to slow things down a lot. When I think back to how last relationships started, they were actually over a few months of getting to know each other. But now I’m older I guess I want it to happen quicker as I’m excited about a future. When I was younger I was indifferent to it so didn’t care much how it progressed.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 21:31

Honestly you can't be all excited like this about a futur with man who is not much more than a stranger, you've met him five times, you don't know who he is, ,,,can you see what's wrong there, and how the behaviour is only going to damage you? And likely cause the relationship to end?

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 21:32

Yes. I see it totally.

OP posts:
Menora · 23/01/2020 21:50

You can be excited about having fun and going and doing fun things on dates. It’s ok to look forward to that side of things

But the time you spend looking round the corner is a waste of your energy and will suck all potential fun out of it!

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 21:51

It’s like habit though. How do I stop?!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 22:10

I don't know but when you find yourself imagining a future with a man you don't really know and getting a bit needy, and doing the things on this thread, then you need to try to have a talk with yourself.

Maybe post on here, we will try to reign you in.

As menora said, being excited about dates etc is fine. Being excited because you think you're going to spend your lives together is something else entirely.

Menora · 23/01/2020 22:16

Yeah check yourself before you wreck yourself 😂

What therapy are you having? Have you tried CBT techniques? It can help to stop and think when the bad thoughts come - acknowledge them and then tell yourself the reality of the situation.

I have anxiety. I know a lot of the anxiety is rubbish and doesn’t have any real basis but it happens anyway. So when it happens I say to myself ok feeling anxious. Why? And I think it over, and tell myself it’s actually ok. Then I can react to something more rationally

When you aren’t even trying to rein yourself in your thoughts will get more wild and out of control