Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you think he’s not interested if he did this?

77 replies

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 12:45

Met online, had 5 dates, not slept together but done plenty else. He’s said a lot of nice things, hasn’t been overbearing but has suggested follow on dates and things for us to do.

We had a loose plan to meet this weekend. We spoke last night and it was nice, I said I couldn’t commit to Friday night because of work (won’t say what as it’s outing).

I realised this morning I could feasibly see him tonight on my way home as a home visit has been cancelled. Text him to suggest it, he’s been online but not replied.

I don’t want to waste my time and as I really like him I don’t want to make a mistake and carry on if this is a clear sign he’s not actually that arsed.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 15:11

He responded saying he would struggle to juggle things tonight and could we do one day at the weekend instead, to which i said that was fine.

OP posts:

Changeofname79 · 23/01/2020 15:21

I was ready to come on and say if you have to ask then no hes not interested but actually you were definitely overthinking it there! Also if you have whatsapped it's not always accurate and if you have lots of groups it's easy to miss notifications, I have definitely done that before

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 15:24

I’m someone who when I like someone I go all in...it’s not the best way to be. In my head he’s not bothered because for me, I’d have definitely seen him later. The fact he’s said no makes me think that’s that. But I can see I’m jumping to conclusions and that from an outside point of view it’s too much for 5 dates

OP posts:

amiapropermum · 23/01/2020 15:31

But you were only able to see him because a home visit got cancelled! He obviously has things on or is working and just can't reschedule at short notice. It's not about being excited or not being excited to see it. It's about not having time tonight

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 15:34

Op. It's not healthy if you are saying if you had plans, you'd drop everything to see him. He's right in what he is doing, he has made other arrangements, his behaviour is healthy, he should not let people down because uou became available.

The fact you would is something to address. You hardly know this man. You shouldn't be willing to drop anything just to see him, particularly if with friends or family.

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 15:38

Yes it is something I need to address. I am having therapy and talking these things through.

What worries me is that i was quite happy not to see him Friday because of work (at a stretch I could have but would have been a bit of hassle), yet I can’t seem to accept that he could easily feel the same about tonight. And that’s fine?! I still like him even though tomorrow is difficult for me, yet I can’t see that he may like me still but not have time tonight. I hate that my thought process is like this.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 23/01/2020 15:47

It sounds like you have insecurities here so that's what you have to address. Like you said, imagine if he was put out because you couldn't see him friday? Its the same thing.
Personally I would be more attracted to a guy who had a life of his own and wasn't willing to drop everything all the time to see me, when it suited me. I've dated guys like this before and they were too wet and needy.

Epona1 · 23/01/2020 15:49

Are you really sure you’re in the right mind frame for dating?

You’re coming across as rather insecure, needy and a bit full on. You’ve only had 5 dates but expectations way off the scale. You need a massive chill pill or future dates will all be scared off

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 15:52

I don’t think I’ve shown him I’m needy and to be honest it’s not that I want his attention all the time...after all it was me that said I couldn’t make it tomorrow, not him

I think it’s more that I like to feel re assured that he’s there, not necessarily that I need to see him all the time or my life falls apart!

Either way it’s silly of me to expect one thing from him when I’m cancelling and re arranging things

OP posts:

keepingbees · 23/01/2020 16:00

I don't mean to make you feel worse but after only 5 dates it's possible you're not exclusive yet and he could still be dating other people.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 16:03

But you shouldn't be feeling a man you've only met for five dates should be there for you when you want. He's a virtual stranger. Not your long term partner.

And even I, whose been with my husband for thirty years since I was twenty, would not expect my husband to drop any plans he had to see me. I'd not want that at all. I'd not want to be with someone who threw their friends or family aside at the last minute simply because I said I was free. I want to be with someone who treats others with more respect than that.

You must see how wrong this is? If this is how you're feeling about a man you barely know, then I honestly don't think you should be dating.

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:07

Bluntness I agree that I wouldn’t want him to drop everything, in fact I would find it very unattractive. I seem to want it all!!!

It’s obviously totally fine for him to say he’s busy. To me that means ‘I’m not interested’ even though I’ve said the exact same thing to him and clearly still like him.

It’s not really as simple as being needy as I’m not really all that needy at all. I seem to look for rejection all the time even when it’s not necessarily the case

OP posts:

gower4 · 23/01/2020 16:14

I mean this kindly, but even if you think you're not coming across to him
as needy, I can guarantee you are. People have a sixth sense for this.

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:20

That could be true! I’m usually told I’m quite detached and don’t give an impression I am bothered...I cancelled tomorrow so I don’t think asking about tonight makes me sound needy? Perhaps it does and I am missing the point though, as if often the way when you like someone...

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 16:20

I'm so sorry op but this is really needy. And yes I think he will either suspect it by now or will do soon.

I hope you can learn to relax and have fun with dating, and not set such high expectations of men you hardly know. 💐

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:22

I don’t know how this has come across as needy...please can someone explain?

I mean obviously it does here as I’ve said how I feel about him, but I don’t see how that comes across to him! Genuinely asking as I can’t see it at all!

Definitely I do need to relax about dating

OP posts:

firesong · 23/01/2020 16:29

From his point of view, from what you have written, I doubt you've come off as needy to him. Depends how you worded your messages really.

I think most people get a little anxious early in dating, when they like someone. It's easy to forget that when you've been in a relationship for years!

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:32

I don’t think I have either but posters are right that I am being silly here and the expectations are ridiculous.

I don’t know how to change it or why I do it. Everything is a rejection to me even when I’m not being rejected

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 16:35

It's thinking he doesn't want to see you when he didn't immediately respond to your text, its starting a thread on mumsnet to ask a couple of hours later, it's saying you would be excited to see him and drop things to do so, it's feeling he's doesn't want to see uou if he doesn't change his plans, it's feeling uou need the reassurance he is there for you when you want, it's realising this is all about a man you've met five times, it's all these things op that make it needy.

keepingbees · 23/01/2020 16:41

I think it's on here you've come across as needy, not to him from what you've said.
Just try and chill. What will be will be

Menora · 23/01/2020 16:46

It is true that neediness can seep out in little ways, and you need to not assume that it’s all ‘hidden’. Hiding it doesn’t make it go away - you don’t need to learn to hide it you need to address it!

If your tone changes towards someone when plans change, or you find yourself playing little games to try to prove to yourself that they still like you (like changing profile photos or making statements like ‘you probably don’t want to’ or ‘it’s ok if you can’t make it’) even ignoring them for a while, all of these can be subtle little hints of being needy

5 weeks into my last date experience the guy I was seeing started doing these things, assuming I didn’t want to do things before even letting me respond (which you have done), assuming I was ignoring him (possibly you did this) so ignoring me back or trying to get my attention by changing profile photos and trying to tie me down to X date at Y time and not really liking anything vague, and sending me ‘what are you doing’ messages a lot. = needy

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:50

Aside from the last couple in that list I’ve probably done all the others even if in a minor way. I feel embarrassed. Why do I do it and how can I stop?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:51

The reality is that I have a full life and I’m busy but without reassurance someone I like feels the same, I seem to lose all clarity. It’s horrible and I don’t do it in any other areas of my life

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 16:56

But all those things are what you've said on this thread, I didn't make any up, the fact you might be able to hide it from him isn't relevant,it's you that's struggling, you that's going through the highs and lows.

I don't know how you fix it, but I'd really think about dating and if it's wise, this can't be enjoyable for you and it's going to ultimately kill any relationship. Any man who stays in is likely to be unpleasant or abusive in some way, because often the type neediness attracts isn't good.

Original poster

KatieKiteFight · 23/01/2020 16:57

Yes I agree. It’s shit. I wish I could address it as it’s the only area of my life i am like this!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4