The script...

[NewAcc0unt]

Hi,

Looking for thoughts, opinions and advice if anyone can spare some time please.

DH of 14 years has given me half the 'script', he's not sure if he loves me. He feels like we're friends, not husband and wife etc. Since the chat this weekend, which came from out of nowhere, he won't hug or kiss me, saying he just needs some time.

I know this is classic, straight from the script stuff. I'm preparing myself.

The only confusing thing in this situation is that our conversations and the way we're talking to each other is better than it has been for a long time. Text messages are more brief than they previously were but face to face conversations are much improved since the chat.

Has anyone experienced this? How long should I allow this lack of physical contact to continue for? I don't want to force him into being affectionate if he's checked out, but I also don't want to push him away if there's a chance that he does just need a little time to gather his thoughts.

I had the emotional story about the need for ‘headspace’ too, whilst at the same time being reassured that ‘all was fine’. He went away with the OW and left me on his return. He still denies the affair and he has behaved appallingly ever since. Giving them space is the worst thing you can do. It’s a game you are bound to lose. Like a reasonable, understanding loving person I thought I was helping him while he was manipulating and plotting with the OW. Now I would boot him out immediately.

Your best bet really is strength now, not abasing yourself and chasing after him.

The latter makes him complacent that whatever he does, you'll be his soft landing. He feels confident that if he leaves, you'll have him back. He treats you badly, you'll beg for more. Where's his motivation to behave well?

Don't tolerate it.

Slight strung along in that on the first week he said to me 'look, this is how I feel now, I might feel.dofferemlty 3 months down the line' That was the moment my anger kicked in and I said 'no, in 3 months time I'll have moved on a little, you make your decision now and you stick to it'. I'm so glad I said that, rather than hanging on and giving him that time he clearly didn't really want.

Excuse the typos I really should check before hitting the post button but I should be heading off to work but wanted to quickly reply!

I agree with @booboo24. She did what I should have done.

He wants you to be the one to end the marriage. He’s still the nice guy, right.

Sorry this is happening to you.

So he expects you to just carry on as normal and wait till he decides if he wants you or not.

Fuck that shit, boot, arse and door in that order.

So right about wanting to come over as the nice guy.

The funny thing is, I'm angry not sad. I feel real sadness for my little ladies, but for me, just anger that he could be so selfish.

I want to get evidence of him cheating. I can't compete with the excitement of a new hoe if his heart isn't with me. I would gain so much strength from knowing. But I know he'd never tell me the truth.

I told my parents this morning. That was the first step. Seeing my mum tear up nearly killed me. But I kept my composure and reassured her that I will be fine.

Please keep sending me advice, it is giving me so much strength.

Boot arse door... Love it

Could you just demand to see his phone? If he’s having an affair there will be evidence on his phone. If you think it’s all over then there’s nothing for you to lose.
I would also suggest that you see a couples counselor. Could be a way of getting everything out in the open and if you do split, how to do it in a way which amicable for your kids.

He would never hand it over, it's permanently attached to his hand and I think now its obvious why.
I suggested couples therapy but he avoided the conversation saying he 'didn't know' if it would help him to love me again.
We talked openly, I know exactly what his 'issues' are with me & they're from the past. Not even current. I recognise my post natal depression was a huge factor in not treating him like a king but hey, I'd just made a human with him and was pretty low. I left my managerial post to raise our first daughter full time, I had a salary that matched his at the time (some months was more than his wage depending on my bonuses etc) I left my friends and colleagues behind and was somewhat isolated through small village living and my depression.
Basically I'm the evil one. He's innocent and hard done by...
In the meantime I'm stock piling, moved all the finance docs to my parents home (thanks to fabulous advice above) and plan on spending the day tomorrow swimming and shopping with the girls and will leave him alone to ponder it over.

I’m in this exact situation but had convinced myself there wasn’t an OW, but now reading this I am concerned there is. I just can’t take the pain.

Perhaps a bit left field, but if you are confident it's done, perhaps seize this chipper moment. Sit down and talk through how a split would work. Shadowing how people have said he may well feel relieved that you are "taking it so well" he may leave quickly and agree, in principle, amicable terms that work in your favour.

That sounds a lot easier said than done though, and I don't have experience in a split like it, but from what I've read on here what often seems to follow is a dance in which the cheater then makes the other party a villain in their mind and becomes completely unreasonable making future negotiations really tough. Assuming he feels guilty this may be a time to move on with a better chance of looking after yours and the DC's best interests.

@Comefeelthenoise I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Have you been given the script?

@Whereisthelaughter I don't think I'm strong enough to sit down and ask him. I want evidence of him cheating so I can just throw the book at him. I have a tenuous line of enquiry that I could try and snare him with, he said he was at work but I have something that places him elsewhere at that time. But if I quiz him on that, I know he'll be even more secretive. I'm infuriated right now.

If he's out of here, (which he so clearly is, he has no intention of reconciliation) then I don't want him leaving as a Saint. He won't want his family to think badly of him. I want the truth and I want everyone else to know the truth too.

Do you have any suspicions of who it might be?

DDIJ is right tho.

I agree @DDIJ is right.

You are looking for evidence as a way of delaying the pain of kicking him out. He says he’s not in love with you and you are letting him use your domestic space. Tell his parents exactly what is going on, the phone etc.

@DDIJ @category12 You're right, I'm putting it off. But will it help me in my divorce if I have proof that he's been unfaithful?

No. It won't. Fault makes no difference to the settlements.

@category12 I'm financially reliant on him. Almost 100%. I'm so worried. What if he refuses to leave?