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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend - ghosting? help, need help if he replies

74 replies

confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 14:21

Hello wise mumsnetters....need some advice.

I have had a boyfriend for about 2 months, all was going well ( or so I thought). Last saw each other a few days ago. He usually initiates texting as do I. I have heard nothing for about 3 days now ( he has been online).

I can feel something is off, you know when you can just sense it! I was going to leave it but have sent a message saying:

Hello - what's wrong?

There is definitely something wrong. I find his behaviour quite bad to be honest, when we text the other day I asked is everything okay, he said yes but he was wondering if he had done something wrong. I said no of course not, and was friendly back as normal, now nothing.

I do feel like I am being faded out / ghosted....this isn't normal behaviour from him. If he doesn't reply I won't text again, but I would rather know where I stand. Hopefully if something is wrong he will just tell me!

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 22/01/2020 14:28

If he isn't ghosting you, then he is playing silly games. Either way its not good. I'd give him a day to reply then just block him. Has he read your message? or has he been online and ignored it? All this is rather pathetic when you think about it. Don't get drawn into it.

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 14:32

@anotherdisaster, thanks....it's not been read as yet but he has been online. Yes I agree, ghosting or silly games is rubbish. I would just have rathered know if there is something wrong I guess but if he can't communicate it's pointless anyway.

I just feel quite hurt, at the weekend we went out for a meal, were discussing the future etc.

The only thing I can think of is that I wasn't up for sex, and maybe he has taken it that I'm not interested. If that's his beef then he is being very childish and I don't want to be with someone like that anyway.

Utterly confused!

OP posts:
ErinLee93 · 22/01/2020 14:52

Sometimes guys do this when they have other stuff going on either in their life, and sometimes it’s when there’s someone else in the picture. It’s really frustrating but the only way you’ll know is to just ask him in person. The ghost/fade thing is really immature... hopefully it’s nothing and he has just had a lot on his mind. It’s a bit rude being online but not replying though... that would make me think he’s not worth your time

Glitterb · 22/01/2020 15:37

His behaviour is ridiculous and childish tbh!

It sounds like he is possibly texting someone else and is putting you a slow fade

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 15:41

I think I am being slowly faded, contact has got less over the last couple of weeks if I think about it, less asking to see me.

Still no word from him! This is from a man in his late 40's so not like a young child....eurghhh.....

I'm certainly not sending another....

OP posts:
Glitterb · 22/01/2020 15:46

@confusedoldagain be grateful it was only two months of dating! People like this always come back eventually and will blame you for the lack of contact

anotherdisaster · 22/01/2020 15:53

He’s a loser, you dodged a bullet. Some people really do think they are ‘all that’. I’d block him so he can’t come crawling back when he fancies

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 15:56

you are all right, it is childish, it's either because of the lack of sex and he is sulking, he has met someone else, or he just doesn't have the courage to tell me.

Not good either way you look at it really.

I guess it reflects more on him than me, even though it doesn't feel like it :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 15:57

If he does reply I will update with the reply.....I will need some advice before replying!

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 22/01/2020 16:06

My bf of 2.5 years did this. I know he was going through a rough patch but it was totally out of order. He finally admitted it was over between us because he hates my kids. Fucker.

Its so so hard. I think mobile phones and the ability to be constantly in contact have a lot to answer for.

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 16:10

How do you spot these people though? I mean I would have said before this that he is upfront, honest, he's always told me to let him know if there is anything wrong as he would prefer to talk about it. He only said that last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 16:12

And what do I do if he replies that ' nothing is wrong'? that would be very passive aggresive wouldn't it, something is definitely wrong here. I'm half expecting that as well, that's just trying to make me seem crazy though isn't it?

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 22/01/2020 16:13

I dont think you can spot them sadly.
My ex was always talking about our future etc. The last day I saw him I asked him what was wrong and he promised he would talk to me if he needed to.
2.5 fucking years.

MargotMoon · 22/01/2020 16:14

I wouldn't send a text - phoning is better for important conversations. Texts should just be for quick/unimportant conversations, making arrangements etc.

I've decided this is my new deal-breaker (if I ever decide to go back to online dating Grin(

forumdonkey · 22/01/2020 16:17

I'd reply, 'you didn't reply and haven't contacted me so assumed we were over so I've moved on. All the best for the future'

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 16:25

If he didn't reply at least that would give me the answer that I have in fact been ghosted.

Not good whatever way I look at this....but I'm not being made out to be imagining things if he replies in a jokey way like nothing is wrong.

Where am I going wrong here!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 16:26

He still hasn't even read the message

OP posts:
CinderEmma · 22/01/2020 16:28

I would probably send another message saying your picking up the vibe something isn't right and you'd like to know what is wrong.

It seems very much like he's distanced himself for whatever reason.

Don't hang about waiting for that text though, distract yourself and when he does reply don't reply back immediately.

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 16:30

I have already asked what is wrong, I think I will leave at that and if he replies then I will reply with this, thanks:

I'm picking up the vibe something isn't right and you'd like to know what is wrong.

If he doesn't reply at all then there's no point sending another I don't think anyway.

OP posts:
Werkinggirl · 22/01/2020 19:47

The slow fade is very childish and pathetic indeed. Sorry this is happening, you can do a lot better.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2020 19:50

You've wasted two months on him, don't waste another minute. Block and move on. Don't sit around for some bullshit reply that won't mean anything.

Fairycake2 · 22/01/2020 22:06

Sadly it definitely sounds like he's playing games. Personally I'd not send another text and block him if he hasn't replied with a day or so

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/01/2020 22:31

Any word from him?

sunnydays78 · 22/01/2020 22:57

It’s really simple if he wanted to be in contact he would. I wouldn’t send more messages take a giant leap back and just wait and see. Get busy with friends don’t be waiting around

Oly4 · 22/01/2020 23:02

Don’t send any more texts no
Matter how tempting. He is definitely ghosting you, there’s no other reasonable explanation. Just try to move on as quickly as possible. You’ve dodged a bullet