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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend - ghosting? help, need help if he replies

74 replies

confusedoldagain · 22/01/2020 14:21

Hello wise mumsnetters....need some advice.

I have had a boyfriend for about 2 months, all was going well ( or so I thought). Last saw each other a few days ago. He usually initiates texting as do I. I have heard nothing for about 3 days now ( he has been online).

I can feel something is off, you know when you can just sense it! I was going to leave it but have sent a message saying:

Hello - what's wrong?

There is definitely something wrong. I find his behaviour quite bad to be honest, when we text the other day I asked is everything okay, he said yes but he was wondering if he had done something wrong. I said no of course not, and was friendly back as normal, now nothing.

I do feel like I am being faded out / ghosted....this isn't normal behaviour from him. If he doesn't reply I won't text again, but I would rather know where I stand. Hopefully if something is wrong he will just tell me!

OP posts:
rvby · 23/01/2020 04:43

I'm picking up the vibe something isn't right and you'd like to know what is wrong.

No no no no.

Why do you give someone else this much power over you?

It doesnt matter what his reason is. Even if he had reason to be annoyed with you, the answer would never be to slowly freeze you out. Hes been acting like a total knob to you and you're just rolling over and taking it and inviting him to give you excuse so you can forgive him?? Surely you see how weak that makes you look...

You hardly know this guy and he makes you feel insecure and shit. No excuse in the WORLD would make that ok. Dont ask him for a justification for shit behaviour- you're acting as if his excuse will make it ok!

YOU decide what YOU want to do about a boyfriend who isnt adding anything to your life. I suggest you bin him off and never bother with him again.

sofato5miles · 23/01/2020 04:46

Block him. It is so satisfactory

Maddogcow · 23/01/2020 05:41

Agree with everyone else. Move on - you’ve dodged a bullet - he is not that into you and you are worth more than this. You sound lovely. He sounds horrid. You are now free to meet someone who realises how wonderful you are Flowers

With the text - he may have text preview on phone so it shows the first few lines without having to ‘read it’. Best for you to go completely silent and if he has you on SM then post nothing, or amazing happy things. You want him to regret losing you (even though you shouldn’t care !)

RantyAnty · 23/01/2020 06:20

Sounds like the ghost. So childish from someone late 40s. Just delete and block him. If things don't work out with whomever he's after now, he'll be back with the stupidest excuse to see if you're up for a shag.

How to weed them out? Don't be accommodating. Don't guarantee sex everytime you meet up.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 06:58

He might genuinely have something going on with family or whatever.

I'd give it a week. Don't give him any headspace and just wait for him to get in touch. If he doesn't after a week then move on.

Pipandmum · 23/01/2020 07:11

You already know where you stand - not as a priority! Unless hes been run over and is lying in hospital he could get in touch, but he doesn't want to. If he does text just reply (if you reply at all) that you're busy and leave it at that.

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/01/2020 07:15

You didn't have sex with him that weekend or you don't want sex with him at all ? Have you discussed this with him ?

embarrasing · 23/01/2020 07:22

:/ I think you have the right attitude, just see if he replies, if you still get the feeling somethings wrong maybe suggest yourself that you end it? As it will only make you feel crap x

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 23/01/2020 08:46

Hi everyone, so he did reply saying:

  • Hi, I'm still a bit confused about the weekend, you didn't want to have sex and just went, what have I done wrong.

I had already told him earlier in the week he did nothing wrong I just had to get back to my kids so I said

-absolutely nothing and I'm sorry if it came across like that. I said I have felt hurt that he has just gone off the radar and it's better to communicate and that it's made me feel pretty rubbish.

He then replied:

  • well I still think something was up at the weekend.

I haven't replied. He didn't acknowledge I was upset, or make any effort to communicate or apologise to me, after I apologised ( again) to him.

I am not going to message back......I get the feeling he wants me to bloody beg him!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedoldagain · 23/01/2020 08:48

Thoughts? do I officially end it or just ignore and move on....to me he doesn't even deserve it to be ended with now, the lack of respect he has shown me. :-(

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 23/01/2020 08:55

So because he didn't get his end away at the weekend hes basically had an immature sulk all week...

What a catch! Hmm

EnglishRose13 · 23/01/2020 08:55

Block. Move on.

I'd be wary of this becoming a pattern until you always have sex when he wants so you don't have to put up with this bullshit when you say no.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 09:00

I'd respond and say "I feel that there's more to a relationship than sex. You clearly don't feel the same and, as you have no respect for the fact that I have control over my body and can say no whenever I like and for whatever reason, it's best that we call it a day. In future, bear in mind women are there for more than just sex on tap."

And then block.

Starlight456 · 23/01/2020 09:00

You didn’t want sex so this response. Block and run for the hills

MMmomDD · 23/01/2020 09:04

All too much overthinking and drama. You both barely know each other and both seem hard work.
He felt rejected on the weekend and possibly your communication about what went on in your was insufficient. He is possibly insecure and his being quiet was his way of dealing with it.
You then overacted to his reaction and now feel he is being something and needs to apologise.
Hard work you two and not good communication. If the two of you can’t figure out how to talk ability this minor issue it’s probably a sign you don’t really work

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 23/01/2020 09:05

His main point was I just went off!

I tried to explain that I would prefer communication, and don't think I have been hard work.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 23/01/2020 09:07

You didn't answer my question so it seems like you haven't had sex with him yet and he doesn't know why ? It's only natural for someone ( man or woman) to want to know where they stand as regards sex and the extent of a relationship .

SophieSong · 23/01/2020 09:09

He's having a sulk because you didn't want to have sex. He doesn't seem to acknowledge or care that you needed to get back for your kids. It's been days and he is still making a drama out of one instance of not having sex after only two months.

That would be more than enough for me to end things.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 09:10

He's training you to ALWAYS be up for sex on his say so, or you'll get the silent treatment as punishment.

redastherose · 23/01/2020 09:12

Don't explain further, it's really as simple as pp said, you didn't have sex with him so he's sulked and given you the silent treatment for a week so you won't turn him down again. He's pathetic and doesn't deserve for you to even bother ending it but you might want to send that message to give you closure and the satisfaction of telling him him him to fuck off.

embarrasing · 23/01/2020 09:19

Have you had sex with him at all?

Original poster
confusedoldagain · 23/01/2020 09:21

yes we have had sex, lots of sex! It was only that one morning I wasn't up for it and was in a rush to get home. I can understand if we have never had sex, but we had it lots.

I do think he is sulking, either that or he isn't bothered so it's easier to put the blame on me, I did give him an opportunity to end it though.

Nothing from him today, I'm not going to bother.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/01/2020 09:25

I think he's told you exactly what he's interested in you for.

Actions speak louder than words, and his are clearly showing you that unless you're putting out, he doesn't care.

RantyAnty · 23/01/2020 09:26

Good. Ditch the sulky manchild. You're under no obligation to have sex every time or anytime.

He showing clearly that he just sees you as sex on tap. Delete. Block.

MotherofDogs3 · 23/01/2020 09:29

Hes been sulking because you didnt have sex with him.. im sorry but i wouldnt be taking this relationship any further he is clearly very immature and selfish. He didnt even apologise for making you feel upset. Take this as a warning sign of how he will be in the long run can you really put up with this type of behaviour everytime you don't want to have sex with him? Hes probably like this about alot of stuff so be prepared for that.

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