Affair

[Gigicols]

So three weeks ago I discovered my husbands affair.

We have both decided we want to try and make things work.

Has anyone got any advice on how to stop torturing yourself with the details. It’s like I want to know every detail, I wish I could see their text messages, emails etc etc. It’s like an obsession and it’s completely pointless as I have agreed to try again so need to start working on putting it behind me.

They also work together so everyday I know he’s in an office with her and possibly it’s still going on! How would i know?

I want to take
This leap of faith but at the moment I feel stuck. And very low. I’m talking to family for support, and have a counselling session booked for tomorrow. Has anyone been through this or have any advice?

Them working together is not going to work for you - and that is guaranteed.
He’s going to have to leave his job immediately and suffer the consequences of that if you have any hope of recovering your sanity and your relationship. His willingness to do this will be a barometer of his commitment to you and his understanding of your state. Use his reaction to guide how you proceed.

He has offered
To leave. She handed her notice in (I have seen the proof of this) as she wasn’t happy there and was apparently being bullied, and felt very guilty about everything (I seen some emails about her guilt so i know that part is true at least) So at the moment I believe (and of course will check) that them working together is temporary - but yes he said he would also hand his notice in instantly if I needed that.

I don’t think he can leave immediately as most people can’t afford to do that but he needs to seek another job. That’s the price he pays unfortunately as you will be tortured forever if he doesn’t.

The tendency is to panic and default into must make a go of things when these things are uncovered. I’m not sure that is always a good idea and you would be better asking for space whilst you process your thoughts.

You won’t be able to ‘put this behind’ you until he has answered all of your questions. Three weeks is FAR too soon to be able to do this, and I have it on authority that six years is the average length of time it takes for a couple to dull move on from an affair.

Can I ask, did you post about this a few weeks ago? Are you pregnant with your 2nd child and your DH was lying about a cake making colleague? If so, I’ve been thinking about you and wishing you well.

When you say it’s completely pointless to ask to see messages etc and you need to put it behind you instead, is this what you really believe or are these his words? It may be that you need to spend some time addressing what happened first, to gain closure before you can start moving on.

Hats off to you for giving it all another go and trying to move on.

I’d be v firm with him — new job needed, he needs to be away from her, even if he says he isn’t tempted, out of deference to your feelings and respect for your marriage.

It’s early days, you are bound to rehash it in your mind. I think it is probably important to acknowledge that to dwell on it is normal, but also take care not to let it become obsessive. The resentment will eat you up if you let it.

Maybe it would be good to see a professional person as part of your own self care and recovery from the trauma of it all — maybe just once a week for this first month just so you have a window to process your thoughts aloud. It will help it all from festering inwardly. Your husband has injured you by his betrayal, don’t injure yourself further by torturing yourself with the minutiae of it all.

xx

Look he's either going to keep sleeping with her or not, no new job is going to change that. And secondly if she's leaving then so what. Most people can't afford to just walk out of work, what a daft suggestion.

Op, did he decide it was pointless for you to see the messages? Because not seeing means you imagine the worst.

How long was his affair going on for and how did you find out?

This is helpful and positive.

Be aware, that whatever the outcome here, what you regard as a full recovery is likely to take a long time. How long? Think in your mind how long you expect it to take - then expect it to take longer. This is a marathon not a sprint.

You have been handed a choice you never asked for: become a victim or a survivor. Neither is welcome but one is better than the other.

The phase you are in now is Discovery. It’s all coming out. If he drip feeds new revelations this will damage you - possibly permanently because the continued retraumatising nature new revelations move you into the sustained abuse arena. You can only avoid getting there by having it all out now. ALL. OF. IT. You will have to fight against his desire not to divulge too much or stuff ‘he’ thinks is irrelevant. Don’t fall for that. Betrayers In the Discovery phase are interested mostly in damage limitation - damage to themselves that is, even if dressed up as ‘protecting you’.

Eventually you will move into the Post Affair Recovery stage. The co tract of your relationship is forever broken. A new one needs to be drafted. You must see that it favours your needs first. Ever wanted to go back to collage to study that thing but needed financial support? Guess what. That’s part of the deal now. Ever wanted to move to be closer to your parents. Same deal. You need to engineer your life to suit you first. That’s not to say his needs don’t matter but you’ve got to turn this into a positive for yourself somehow or the rot of bitterness will set in. A complete refocusing of your personal needs and aspirations is required. Don’t knee jerk. Take the time to replan for then next phase of your life.

Get rid of him not worth the stress

I'd also say three weeks ago you only found out and you're already at the forgive and move on stage, which is very quick indeed. Did you take any time out, seperate for awhile etc?

Are you worried about thr financial implications of splitting? What's caused you to reach this decision so quickly?

Thanks for all your advice. He hasn’t said it’s pointless in any way to divulge anything. He has answered every question I’ve asked even though it’s been hard to hear. I THINK he’s been honest but i suspect there are things he has held back of course.

I don’t believe they have slept together- but of course I could be wrong.
He had opportunity to.

It was definitely a very emotional affair to begin with, which is more painful for me. but led
To physical as he said they kissed a few times. I seen an email which said I have told her that we have kissed. So I am inclined to believe that part about them not sleeping together, but who knows.

I agree even if they don’t work together they can continue to see each other. But it will help my emotional well-being I suppose.

I did ask him to leave when I found out and he went to his parents house for a week. I talked to my family for their advice. And then we talked. I told him
He was free to go and be with her, i would not beg. We have no children so he wasn’t trapped. He told me why he was unhappy
And felt he couldn’t talk to me. He didn’t minimise or excuse - which helped. But the reasons he explained were making him unhappy were valid to me and things i had been considering myself, regarding finances and anxiety issues.
So I do believe that. However i agree I am expecting too much too quickly from myself and need
To take it one day at a time.

The messages are all gone anyway.
So I can’t see them even though I would like to. From what he’s told me he said it started off as friends, and then he started to confide in her about how he was unhappy, and she him about her own issues.

Obviously this has grown into an affair. I seem a message sent by him over the Christmas period saying he has feelings for her but believes that things were getting better between us and he wants to make things work, and that he was sorry.

She responded very angrily and said he should be honest with me, and that she doesn’t want to be with him anyway, he makes her sick and she can do better. It was a very upset response that was a few days before i found out.

I think it’s good he told he wanted to make it work with you before you found out. Not sure why he had to tell her had feelings for her in the same message. I’ve been in the same situation and I am a year on. I have weeks where I don’t think of it too much and then weeks where it still all consumes me. For me it’s the fear it could happen again because he gave himself permission to pursue her, at least for a while.

I told himHe was free to go and be with her, i would not beg

Do you know why you made the decision his ? Instead of you taking control?

I suppose i tried to do both - told him he had to leave while I had some
Time to think about how I wanted to proceed but also tell him if he truly wanted to be with her then to go. I wanted to know if he would i suppose? They are just decisions made on instinct really.

I seen an email which said I have told her that we have kissed.

This email was from your DH to OW and about telling you that they kissed?

Then that means "I've only told her we kissed, I haven't admitted we did anything beyond this. Stick to the story if asked"

Sorry.

Yes possibly.

I seen the whole email though and it didn’t imply that, but yes I’m sure they may we’ll have done more.

It was more along the lines of her asking if he was ok after she discovered i had found out. And she asked what happened. He said he had told me that they had feelings for each other, and had kissed. Then it moved to her saying how guilty she felt and him saying he was sorry
To have gotten her involved.

He did admit they sexted aswell.

To be honest, and i don’t know why, the emotional stuff hurts more

To be honest with no kids I would leave. I can almost understand it when you have young kids, life can become v mundane and people look for excitement elsewhere but no kids, and he still cheats, You are not enough, will never be and eventually he will do it again, probably when you are more trapped with a few kids in tow

I don't know how or why you would bother with this cheat.
He's broken your vows, you'll never ever truly trust or respect him

I'm with Icehotel in that I don't know why you would even try to make this work. I can almost understand people who want to try and fix it for their kids, but if there are no children, why bother?

Think long and hard about if you will ever be able to trust him again. I speak from some experience and I still have battles of wondering what my DH is up to.

I understand why posters are saying OP should leave him etc. But at the moment she has decided to stay and looking for help on how to help herself and her emotions at the moment.

If in time she decides to leave after all, OP knows she'll get a lot of support here then and irresistible start another thread.

In the meantime, let's give her the advice she's after?

*prehaps

It's been 3 weeks OP.
3 tiny little weeks.
Stop thinking you should just put it behind you and move.
It really really really does NOT work like that!
Not at all!
You do need every detail.
He needs to be 100% truthful with you now.
Cheating is a deal breaker for some but not for others.
But.... I agree with PP's. No kids! This is a no brainer!
End it now and find a bloke with some morals who won't stray and cheat on you.

Believe me. This will stay with you forever.
You will never ever fully trust him again.
He has changed from the man you loved and who loved you to someone who could hurt you more than you could ever know.
Who could actually inflict physical pain without even touching you.

Who could change from being your protector to someone you don't recognise.

Why live a half life, looking over your shoulder, living in fear of finding out about another affair when you could be free!!???

Has he offered you full disclosure?
Has he allowed you full and immediate access to all his media devices?
Has he agreed to some counselling for himself?
Has he explained in detail, why he cheated?

Get the book - Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it together!!!
He needs to understand what you are going through and what is still to come.
This is only the beginning OP.
It takes literally years, to come to terms with and overcome the revelation of an affair! So if you are staying, strap in for the ride.
I honestly believe this is the far longer and harder path to take.

I'm in a very similar situation to you, although in my case it wasn't an affair - I caught my husband on a hook up site. I know there's been no physical cheating (although I know that doesn't make it OK), and we have been trying to make it work.

Lots of people on here will tell you to leave him. And I understand why, but equally I understand it's not always that simple. All I will say is, prepare yourself because it's not going to be easy. I discovered what he'd done in October and it's basically been hell since then. The first few weeks are odd - I just felt numb and emotionless to it all and there was definitely a touch of hysterical bonding (more from his side than mine as I didn't really want him near me for a while). After the numbness wore off it was absolute hell and it's never really got easier. It's constantly on my mind and every day I question whether I should have just left him (I did throw him out at first but he begged and begged for a chance to make it work), in all honesty I partly wish I had.

Get ready for the anger as well. Some days I've been really sad and other days I'm just absolutely fucking livid and don't even want to look at him. You'll wonder what you ever did to deserve him doing this to you (the answer is nothing because the issue is all him not you, but you'll still think it anyway), you'll wonder why the hell you agreed to stay with him and out yourself through this. Because the sad fact is, I know I deserve better than this horrible feeling of unease and mistrust. You can rebuild a bit of trust (well some people do) but you will never ever trust him 100% again. That was the hardest bit for me - no matter what he does to try and make up for what he did, he can never go back and NOT do it. No matter what happens, he's always done it and you will now always know that he's capable of betraying you.

And yes he definitely needs to make changes so that he's no longer working with her - if she's leaving imminently then good but otherwise he 100% needs to find a new job. I also made it very clear to my husband that I wasn't saying 'OK this is it, we are 100% staying together' - I said I couldn't promise him that and that it needed time. You're in shock and you're going to go through a LOT of conflicting emotions, just remember you don't need to make a definite decision right now. You are perfectly within your rights to give it time and try to make it work and if it gets to a few months (or even a couple of years) down the line and you decide that actually you can't do it and you want to separate, then that is absolutely fine and your right to do so.

Please don't do the pick me dance and bend over backwards to make it work and to make him see how happy you can make him. This is on him now not you. I said all along I wouldnt do the pick me dance and I've stuck to that. If me as I am isn't good enough for him then he can fuck off. Your husband needs to be the one looking into WHY he did this, and working to make changes. I also totally understand what you mean about the emotional stuff hurting more. It's also normal to want details. If you want details, talk to him and ask for them! He needs to be talking to you about it whenever you need to (3 months down the line for me and I still need to talk about it all a LOT).

Sorry, not wanting to be negative but just being realistic about how hard this is going to be. Is he worth it? Do you really love him? If so, then I wish you all the luck in the world. Some people can and do get through stuff like this.

I realise this is getting very long now but one last thing I will add - I really strongly recommend that you get him to leave, even for a few days (but preferably a bit longer) so you can get some headspace. This is one thing I REALLY regretted not doing. My husband was only gone for a few days and looking back, I really needed more time to process things. While he was around, he was just HERE all the time. In my face so I couldnt think about things clearly. He was being really affectionate and falling over himself to do things for me and it just drove me mad.

Sorry, I'll stop now. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat/vent about it. I had a few people pm me when I posted my thread about it and I was so grateful, just to be able to talk to people who understood. I'm so sorry you're going through this. People who do this to their partner/spouse just have no idea how much it hurts them and turns their world upside down, I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. Take care of yourself

Hi OP, I've had to join to answer your question, unfortunately all my accounts are single logins and then I can't get in again so I can leave a message only (Sort it out MN).

Anyway, I've been in your shoes and in fact am still in them. I found out about my DPs affair in November 2018. Honestly, I couldn't get over it and didn't know why. I'd forgiven the affair but couldn't deal with the questions, firstly about what had happened, then about why it had happened and eventually about if it was still happening or something new was happening.

It ate away at me for around 10 months, really affected my mental health and then I found out about the 2nd affair.

The single biggest issue I've had in all the time is the not knowing, well I say the single issue but really it's multiple issues all under the same banner of Trust. I'm still with my DP 5 months after discovering the 2nd affair and still the biggest issue is trust.

She leaves the house, it eats me up. This includes her going to work (2nd affair was with a colleague).

I've not gotten over the trust issue, I know that I will never trust her really so I found it very useful to completely reset my expectations in the relationship, similar to what a previous poster has mentioned. I actually came on here for advice and all I got was LTB and despite that making sense long term, I simply could not take the short term hit on that.

So our relationship is now redefined, she was always the one calling the shots, now it's me. If she wants to stay in this relationship then she plays by my rules and that has been the story of the last half year. I am reasonable but I know what is and is not acceptable to me now and that is very different to how I felt before.

She also understands that I will sometimes seem unreasonable because to her it's history but to me it's the present, it is every moment and it is my foreseeable future as well. This is not something that you can in my experience deal with in a few weeks, the more time passes the more it becomes clear that it won't go away.

This is long term, others have said it and I will echo it, staying put will likely mean a far longer impact on your mental health. It is actually the more difficult option even if I chose it because it was easier at the time. I don't regret my decision and I would end it without a second of guilt if I thought it was the right thing to do but for me I want to stay, if you want the same then be prepared for this 3 weeks to drag on and on and on. Good luck x