Affair

[Gigicols]

So three weeks ago I discovered my husbands affair.

We have both decided we want to try and make things work.

Has anyone got any advice on how to stop torturing yourself with the details. It’s like I want to know every detail, I wish I could see their text messages, emails etc etc. It’s like an obsession and it’s completely pointless as I have agreed to try again so need to start working on putting it behind me.

They also work together so everyday I know he’s in an office with her and possibly it’s still going on! How would i know?

I want to take
This leap of faith but at the moment I feel stuck. And very low. I’m talking to family for support, and have a counselling session booked for tomorrow. Has anyone been through this or have any advice?

Sorry and yes I will just echo what @hellsbellsmelons said - it's been THREE WEEKS. You don't need to put it behind you or 'get over it'. Why should you? Your husband needs to fucking well listen to you whenever you want to talk about it. I read that, for couples who try to rebuild things after an affair/cheating, it takes on average 2 years to even start feeling normal again. Never ever feel like you need to get past it. He has a lot of work to do!

We have kids - if we hadn't got kids I honestly don't think I would have stayed with my husband in all honesty.

I seen an email which said I have told her that we have kissed.

Yeah, that's him telling getting their story straight. That's him telling her the script.

He's lying. 💐

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

One thing I have learnt is to trust my instincts more. I thought for a while something wasn’t right, it was subtle at first and then very unsubtle in the days leading up to me deciding i needed to find out and checking his phone.

I could feel him withdrawing from me, even though we still had some hugs and kisses, it was a shift...so strange

So that’s one thing I’ll pay closer attention to now and trust myself more in future. I do want us to live a happy life together and, so I’m just going to concentrate on my counsellor and self care and take it a day at a time.

I still want to see their text messages- i keep thinking of ways they can be recovered but they can’t 😞 I have seen his phone bills - that was shocking enough

Yeah it does seem
That way, re the email about the kissing...

But I was able to view the whole exchange and she didn’t respond that way, she just kept saying she felt so guilty and was sorry and scared (I think that I would try and take revenge and tell her family - they are strict Sikh and would not approve of either her involvement with a non Sikh or a married man.

I guess I have no idea if they have slept together or not. I called her number when I seen it on the phone bills and she answered. Then I sent her a text saying I knew and she immediately blocked my number.

Just to say, can the ow provide the messages? Don’t know Whether this is a good idea, how you’d go about asking or whether she would say yes but it’s an option.

Sorry you’re going through this x

There is a book by Andrew Marshall called How can I trust you again - it includes information that is supposed to help you from discovery to recovery. My partner had an affair over eight years ago and we agreed to stay together and work on our relationship but I still think about it daily - sadly this is not an exaggeration. The reason I still think about the affair is that I did not get clear answers, I did not get a sense of why it happened, what it involved or who they allowed themselves to be with the affair partner. I wish I had read this book at the time as it could have guided me in coming to terms with this and moving on from it. I've wasted so much time going over the facts in my mind looking for answers - I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So my advice is, get the answers to all your questions now before it is too late.

If truly remorseful, your H will make every effort to rebuild your trust and aid your recovery from the wounds he has inflicted.

He must cut contact with OW. They still have feelings for one another and have had physical and sexual involvement. Their continued proximity will have a detrimental effect on your emotional health, so he needs to find a new job..

He must take complete responsibility for his infidelity without shifting any blame to you. (Saying he couldn’t talk to you is deflecting blame.) If he had issues, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them, but he chose instead to develop intimacy with OW, cheat and lie.

He must provide full transparency with all devices, phone bills, bank/card statements, etc. He needs to take your anger and tears and answer all questions whenever they come. He doesn’t get to set a time limit on your grief. It can take 1-3 years for trust to be restored, and it may never return.

Can the messages be retrieved? I would want to see everything to know what I was forgiving. Likewise, I would insist on hearing what he told OW regarding his feelings for her and their future, as well as what he said about me and our relationship. Otherwise, they still have their secrets.

He needs to seek individual counseling to examine his weak boundaries and sense of entitlement to pursue an illicit ego boost and cheat. Remember that the character flaws that enabled his infidelity are still present.

You would also benefit from the support of individual counseling to express your thoughts and feelings as you move through the grieving/healing process.

Personally, I would end my marriage if my husband betrayed me in this way, as my trust would be forever gone.

I found she would. She has blocked me and handed in her notice at work. I’m not
Saying I feel sorry for her but I think she’s pretty shaken up by the reality and consequences of her actions.

I doubt she would share the messages with me and I have no idea how to recover deleted text messages to a phone. I’ve looked into it and I don’t think it’s possible.

I really appreciate all the support and suggestions, I will look into the book recommendations and I am seeing a counsellor to start new therapy tomorrow evening.

Has anyone got any advice on how to stop torturing yourself with the details. It’s like I want to know every detail, I wish I could see their text messages, emails etc etc

@Gigicols This is 100% normal, I work in a line of work that means Is see a lot of this. However, you knowing the answers won't actually help much. You are shell shocked, you are looking for anything to help get rid of the sting. I have also been in your situation (in some ways it lead me to my current line of work) So I understand the not knowing. It's torturous. If you genuinely want to make a go of your marriage, then you need to be willing to forgive. If you are not then you need to leave because it will end up being a toxic place for both of you.

I feel your pain. I discovered my OH's affair in August and kicked him out. It was with an old work colleague of his. I text her telling her she was welcome to him and I kicked him out for two months but after all that pain he didn't want her so all the pain - it was all for nothing...if you know what I mean.

To cut a long story short after many pleas, tears and promises to change I agreed he could come back and that I would see how it goes. He has been back since October. It's not easy - I probably will never know the entire truth. This sounds strange but I feel as though if I give it a chance and it doesn't work out I can say I tried.

In terms of emotions, it has been a real roller coaster. Some days I try and put it out of my mind and focus on things in my future - like doing some courses and looking for a new job, other days the truth hits me head on when I least expect it and I am so so upset and angry and cannot believe how I was treated. Today is not a good day for me. I want to keep asking questions but it just brings the pain back to the surface and I need to let go of it as often as I can to heal.

I have been honest - I have said I may not be able to carry on but one thing is for sure - I have more dignity and morals in my little finger than the pair of them put together. I have become so much stronger than I thought I would, even if some days I feel really tortured by it all. I am looking forward to the future - with or without him.

So my only advice is -it is a roller coaster. You may have some good days but some very bad days. Don't forget you have been through a trauma and traumas take time to work through. Don't rush it - take all the time in the world and get some counselling if necessary. Focus on you now. Their weakness in a strange way can make you stronger!

I really don’t understand why you would want to give him another chance if there are no kids. There’s no way I would give someone who had feelings for someone else the time of day, you deserve so much better!
You’ll never trust him again and like a broken vase no matter how you try to patch up your relationship, it will never be the same again.

*One thing I have learnt is to trust my instincts more. I thought for a while something wasn’t right, it was subtle at first and then very unsubtle in the days leading up to me deciding i needed to find out and checking his phone.

I could feel him withdrawing from me, even though we still had some hugs and kisses, it was a shift...so strange

So that’s one thing I’ll pay closer attention to now and trust myself more in future.*

The thing is, that after an affair, instincts go into overdrive, everything is analysed because you're on constant high alert. People end up so paranoid and like a shell of their former self, constantly on high alert if their partner is home late, doesn't answer their phone, gets a text message, takes too long in the bathroom, mentions a woman at work, is in a bad mood, starts going to the gym, buys new aftershave etc.
The vast majority of women who have stayed with men after affairs say that they never trusted their partner again, even if they manage to come to some new kind of normal.

Sorry, I tried to bold the part of the text from the OP but it didn't format correctly!

Sorry you're going through this. 3 weeks is no time in the great scene of things to get over cheating. Put it this way, my boyfriend met a woman and had sex with her in a hotel (one off). That happened a few weeks into our relationship, 3 years ago. I still revert to it during every argument and will do when I'm in my 80's!!
In all seriousness, I feel your pain and imagine yours is much deeper than mine as your husband had an actual affair. If he blames himself and not you and shows patience when you can't sleep with him, or lose the plot, you'll get over it in time, if not, you won't.

You have no kids and a deceitful DH who you obviously cant trust, why oh why would you stay with him? You have given him the thumbs up to continue his cheating ways by not leaving. You are worth more than this OP. Dont spend your life always knowing he didn't love you enough to be faithful to you. You can do better than this, dont settle for this life.

With all due respect, the OP hasn't asked whether she should leave him, she's clearly said she currently wants to stay with her husband and asked for advice/support on dealing with trying to get past it. Of course some will think 'LTB' (quite understandably) but that's not what she has asked.

How are you @Gigicols ?

And yep I completely agree with @Crazycatperson - 3 weeks is no time in the great scene of things to get over cheating - absolutely. Don't be so hard on yourself OP. It's going to be very up and down for a while, some days you'll question whether you even want to stay with him and that's completely normal. You don't have to make an instant decision, just be kind to yourself and take it day by day

Not great today, been crying all morning. Husband and I spoke last night and he said that he doesn’t think we are really dealing
With things well being under the same roof, he heard me crying the night before on the stairs and said that he wanted to comfort me but didn’t know if it was right. And I keep veering between searing anger, pain and a burning desire for normality so am doing things like his washing
And then resenting it later that day.

He said that he wants
To give me space to deal with things without him there. I immediately panicked this meant he wanted to leave (i still think that) and said that he had to go through this part as it was part and parcel of the consequences of what he has done.

He said he agrees, and that he doesn’t mean leave as in no contact. We would still talk every day and I can ask any questions I want, I can put a location history on his phone and keep it there (he knows I have) but he believes we can’t move on without some space to process things.

Some parts I agree with. But others I think he’s planning to leave me (massively insecure af the moment) or that he’s wriggling out of dealing
With the consequences of what he’s done.

I feel worse today than I did three weeks ago when i found out. I want to believe that he wants this to build a future for the long haul, and make a real fresh start (in time) but I fear if he goes (to
His parents) all I will do is worry he’s continuing his affair or at the very least preparing to fully end things.

Just to clarify he didn’t say he needed space, just that he thinks I do

Hmm. Call me cynical, but it sounds to me like he’s thinking of himself here (although obviously he’s said that he’s thinking of you). In that he doesn’t like listening to you cry and it makes him feel guilty / helpless so he’d rather remove himself than stay and face up to what he’s done.

You’re calling the shots here OP. If you think you’d benefit from some space, agree with his plan. But if you don’t think it would help you, YOU are the one who gets to decide. Not him. (Unless he actually wants to end it - of course that is his decision.)

Again reading that back, to give a full picture in terms of transparency he said he would come round whenever I asked, or meet me in public if I preferred, and we could talk and he would let me check any devices (that I know about but let’s be honest he could be here and have a secret phone) and I already have all his bank and email passwords.

It sounds sensible but it just terrifies me because I’m scared if he goes that’s it, but i know that’s pathetic as if he wants to go then he will anyway

He’s right that when I asked him to leave originally it should have been for longer to give myself the time and space
I needed but I feel like doing it now is a step back and more of a separation

Yes there is definitely an element of that I feel, that he doesn’t have to deal with it all day in and day out - that’s my worry

He said because it’s our anniversary next month he wanted to give me time and he wanted to face the consequences of what he had done (living at his parents won’t be fun) while we both process things and then move towards a fresh start

I did tell him
He doesn’t get to decide this, which he agreed...but now it comes
To it I have no idea if it’s what I want or not...

I just think that he might move back in a week or two and expect you to have finished crying and be all sorted and ready to forget about it all.

Is he generally good at being emotionally supportive? Eg if you have been ill / stressed / upset in the past?

Mandarinfish - that’s exactly what I said this morning- if he wants to leave (end things) that’s his choice but if not then I need
To think if it will help me