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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive row

59 replies

Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 13:10

Just had a huge row with DP about cats, this may sound stupid and I really need to know if I am being unreasonable or is it him.
We have recently moved into my new house and in living in a very very small studio whilst we renovate the house. I have 2 cats who are very content and happy now. We were staying in his house before and tried to introduce his daughters cats (which she got a few years ago but now at Uni and said she can't have them) but it was a nightmare they had to be kept separated, terrible fighting. I have been trying to talk to DP about rehoming her cats and also asking her to decide what she wants to do, but this has fallen on deaf ears each time I mention it the subject is changed. So today I asked him what is happening and he said they are coming here, I am putting my foot as there is nowhere for them to stay and just cant stand the fighting, I love cats and don't think this is fair on any of them. Anyway he has said things like well I will just get them put down, or throw then out on the road, I see this as emotional blackmail. He is very angry with me and has called me controlling and being a bitch and does not want my cats here. This all sounds ridiculous and very unfair, Am prepared to be told I am wrong though. I feel like a horrible person now

OP posts:
eminencegrise · 22/01/2020 13:12

He would not be moving into my house.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 13:16

What DP or cats lol

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 22/01/2020 13:16

Him +dcats need to repack and go back to his place..
Do not negotiate op.
He will bully you to get rid of yours imo.

Pinkbonbon · 22/01/2020 13:18

He called you a controlling bitch? ...yeah I'd be done. Not normal to talk to people like that. Anger isn't an excuse.

I get that he cares for his kid but you had your cats first. If he wants to keep those cats, he has to find a separate environment for them.

But that's all obsolete now anyway,because he's a nasty man and you need to cut and run.

You say the new house is yours? Good, you have a place to go then, get yourself abs your fur babies away from him.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 13:26

I feel bad because my cats stayed at his for a few months but it was a very big house and was possible to keep them separate but I knew my cats were very unhappy because the dynamics did not work, I have been saying for months that we need to find a solution but he or his daughter have done nothing and now I am the villain because I put my foot down saying it is not happening. His logic is he did not say anything because he did not agree with me. So unreasonable I think.

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 22/01/2020 13:30

Have you tried feliway and catnip during introductions?

You might just need to hang in there while they adjust.

It's not fair for either of you to be expected to give up your pets.

Are they all neutered?

Whynosnowyet · 22/01/2020 13:31

Imo he won't rate your dcats staying over his dd's dcats...

longtompot · 22/01/2020 13:33

Yup, I would not be letting him move in.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2020 13:34

I think if you both want to keep your cats then you just cant live together. I have a dog who doesnt like other dogs and therefore would not be able to live with someone who also had a dog. Might seem strange to pick an animal over moving a relationship to the next stage however when you have animals you make a commitment to them and my pet is a big part of my world, I would neither get rid of him to suit someone else any more than I would expect him to get rid of his.
On the other hand I wouldn't be spoken to like that either.

Commonwasher · 22/01/2020 13:38

Ignore the blackmail. He will not put the cat down as his daughter would disown him. I would call the daughter, explain, kindly, that the cats fight and are miserable together and there is now insufficient space for hers. Ask her to see if a mate will look after it (as her Dad is threatening to put it down). Imagine it will all be sorted quite quickly then.

(Then ask him to move out.)

holrosea · 22/01/2020 13:42

If you are both very attached to your cats (as is normal) but they are incompatible, I'd say that living together is incompatible.

Also, if there is a cat hierarchy, your cats are your own whereas his are his daughter's. Can she not take responsibility for her own animals?

Aside from this, the "controlling bitch" comment plus the emotional blackmail is very worrying and after that, I'd be worried if you stayed with him.

amaryl · 22/01/2020 13:43

I’m not a cat lover but Im shocked you think it’s ok to ask him to rehome them and I can understand him being angry
He obviously put his head in the sand about it, but you need to find a solution

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 13:46

Yes they are neutered. The point is we have know this for months they really hate each other, I have tried to raise the subject time and time again and he has just refused to discuss it. I have spoken to his daughter but she has not done anything. Yes he has said he now does not want my cats here and I replied tough they are mine and staying, btw he would never have then put them down or dump them but not a nice thing to say. He has tenants moving in on Saturday and feel blind sided

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 13:49

amaryl they are not his cats they belong to his grown up daughter. We have tried to make it work but it does not sadly. I love my cats and saw then born he knows this.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 22/01/2020 13:53

How long have you both been together and how long has he had his cats (even if there his daughters).

My parents look after my brothers dog, they would never in a million years get rid of it. No matter what so I don’t think it matters that it’s his daughters cats.

Why should he re home his and you don’t re home yours?

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 22/01/2020 13:55

I wouldn't give a fuck what any man thinks who called me a bitch, controlling or otherwise.

Pinkbonbon · 22/01/2020 13:56

Tennant's moving in where? Not your house I hope?

I don't think this sounds like a very healthy relationship, do you?

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/01/2020 13:58

He’s using verbal abuse and threatening to murder cats? He’s deranged and intensely horrible.

Do. Not. Live. With. Him.

1forAll74 · 22/01/2020 14:01

Could the other cats be re homed. I have three adult cats, A Mother cat and her two male offsprings. They are all lovely cats, but they don't tolerate any other cats coming in the garden,or maybe in the house if the back door is open etc. They are not fighting cats, but they just don't like intruders.

Rabbiting0n · 22/01/2020 14:03

My DF has three cats. One first, which smothered everyone. He thought it was lonely so got two more (brothers). The brothers hate first cat. Will not be in the same room together. Been like that for more than a decade, so no; don't expect them to just start getting on. Neither should your DP.

Is he usually rude to you like that? For me, the rudeness in this instance wouldn't be a deal breaker as pets are a big issue for people and he's obviously in a difficult position. If his DD will object to him getting rid of them, then you asking him to do so is effectively you asking him to choose between you and his DD. I'm not saying you were wrong to ask, but pointing out why he may have reacted so badly and emotionally.

I think all you can do is stress how bad and unfair it is for all of the cats, and try to make him see it as in the animals' best interests to be rehomed.

That said, if his DD is an adult and not just turned 18 or something, I'd be tempted to discuss it with her and explain that it's not fair to make her father fight her battles for her.

Soubriquet · 22/01/2020 14:03

Sorry but I wouldn’t move in with him.

He says he would throw them out or pts. Yeah he’s just saying it but there is always that slim chance it could happen

Especially if fighting goes on

It will be stressful for everyone involved and the cats could be severely injured

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 22/01/2020 14:05

Sparke 4 years. Listen I would take on any waifs and strays but this fighting is relentless and very vicious. He wants to put them in the house where all my stuff is stored but know they will trash my stuff by spraying and when they are allowed out the fighting will start again. Re Bitch I did say he was being a dick as he was shouting at me. so only myself to blame.

OP posts:
Elaisa · 22/01/2020 14:06

I am with ALittleBitConfused1 on this one. I have a cat that I love very much and who's well-being is important to me. I'd never do anything that would have a bad effect on my cat and I assume anyone else has the same principle regarding their pet. If your DP has promised something and it's not achievable living together, you can't move in to the studio togerther (with all of the cats). He has the same rights to put his foot down as you do, although I personally wouldn't like his previous communication style.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/01/2020 14:07

It’s your house, if he feels that strongly about it he doesn’t have to move in.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2020 14:08

Don’t live with anyone who refuses to have a sensible discussion with, or who dares to verbally abuse you like he has. That’s completely unacceptable. This time his excuse is the cats, next time it’ll be something else. You will be miserable.

As shit as this must feel, he’s done you a huge favour because you’ve seen how he (doesn’t) deals with things and he’s a deeply horrible man who thinks he can bully and threaten you.