Have you ever checked a partners phone?

[GetMeCoffeePlease]

Please note that this isn’t about me!

I’ve been having a debate with my friend over the past couple of day’s as she has got into a rut of not trusting her partner and has checked his phone a few times while he is out the room saying she is sure something is going off that he’s hiding but also saying she wants to get evidence first before confronting him..

My argument is that, I just don’t believe that it’s right in checking phones. I think there’s a lot more respect on her behalf by just asking him outright and confronting him about her feelings. This way she’s not driving herself insane, she needs to have boundaries to respect him (even though she doesn’t feel like doing so right now) then if he comes clean and says somethings been going on then take it from there.

Most days she’s checked his phone and so far she has found nothing, so now she’s obsessed with doing it. I can honestly say, I’ve never done it and I really do not agree with it as I would hate for my own partner to do it to me out of pure respect.

I’ve ended up having enough of it today and snapped at her to stop being so bloody ridiculous and confront him in person or just drop it because I’ve had enough of hearing the same old paranoia...

What are you opinions about “phone checking”? Is this a thing that really goes on? Have some of you done it and found stuff out or are some of you on the same page of that it’s totally wrong?

Yes I have done it and no regrets!

No
Don’t even know dh’s pass code

You’ll get no support here OP.... half the relationship board have or do it regularly. The only ones who will acknowledge it are the ones who find something.... the rest tend to keep their heads down.

I wouldn't bother, not because of any fantastic morals I have and I wouldn't judge someone for doing it, I just think anything there is to hide my partner would delete and finding nothing would be just as bad as finding something if I was convinced he was cheating. I would feel like I was going mad to be so sure he was cheating and then not be able to find proof, I would just leave. I have done exactly that before and never regretted it.

I have when I was having bad anxiety, but I didn't hide it from my DP and he was fine with it as he had nothing to hide. We're quite open with our phones anyway, in that we both know each others passcode and we use each others phones sometimes.

I did admit it was unreasonable at the time, but anxiety is unreasonable.

There's also the small matter of accessing someone's pass-coded phone without their permission being a criminal offence.

I've done this in the past with men I didn't trust and every time found something.

First guy, messaging strangers for sexual purposes and swapping pics with a girl he knew.
Next guy guy, sex lines.
Guy after that, persistently messaging and trying to meet up with a girl he had a crush on.

In my current relationship I have no need or desire to and just wouldn't bother. I've come to trust my instincts and would just leave if I felt he was up to something.

No. If a relationship were that bad and mistrusting it would be over anyway. And I say that as a divorcee!

I have done it when suspicious and was proven right. Person in question would never have come clean when asked plainly, and in fact continued to lie even when I had the evidence. In general of course it’s an invasion of privacy and shouldn’t be happening in a happy, secure relationship. I wasn’t in a happy, secure relationship & so to be honest I have no regrets about looking through phone and discovering the lies.

I do have to say that if I was ever in that situation where I thought something was going off or being hidden from me then checking his phone would make my anxiety a lot worse if I ever did find anything. I think I would just rather confront him at the first sign of my doubts and he would reassure me, don’t get me wrong there has been times when I’ve ran away with my mind but we’ve always hashed it out

I have done regularly in the past, when I was very young and now I look back, vulnerable.

I still say he gave me cause and I wouldn't put up with the things he did now with my DH I would just leave instead of tying myself up in knots and causing myself such anguish.

It's something that needs to be learned and earned, trust.

Yes. With two different exes and both times found out they were cheating. I'd never have looked if I didn't have a gut feeling they were up to something. Had partners where I've never looked nor did I feel the need to.

I did a handful of times in the very early stages of our relationship with no reason to at all other than my own insecurity. Found nothing but boring man talk on WhatsApp

No, never stbexh's, I know his passcode (still, he hasn't changed it, he comes around because of dc and I borrowed it to check something quickly). New dp doesn't even have a passcode on his phone. I'm a trusting person!

Yes and no regrets.

the day I knew my marriage was dead was when I realised I hadn't checked for a while because I didn't care what he did.

'just confront him' yes that'll work because cheating scumbags never lie.

There's also the small matter of accessing someone's pass-coded phone without their permission being a criminal offence.

Is that true? Does anyone have a link to the relevant Act of Parliament on this?

I do but I only read the messages back and forth from his parents. The family has a very strained relationship and it caused arguments if we talk about it so I tend to read stuff to work out when the next bombshell from them will hit. Never his other messages or wassaps or anything like that, I just have a quick look at the last time they bothered to message

No. For me I would feel I had already lost if I was doing that. But I know plenty of people who do do it. It’s fairly common I think.

Would you have been cool with your husband having a private phone line and a private secretary taking his messages in 1970?

Would you have been happy about your husband having a private mailbox where he could receive correspondence in total secrecy, without you even having access to see what envelopes or postcards had arrived?

The amount of privacy some people claim is imperative to relationships makes no sense, because 50 years ago, no one but the most rakish playboys had the level of privacy being discussed here. Unless you'd have been happy enough 50 years ago married to a man with private lines and private mailboxes, I see no reason that you should be expected to be happy giving your husband a level of privacy today that everyone 50 years ago would have acknowledged gives cover to all kinds of illicit activities.

If you never check the phone, I think you're a chump. I'd have thought you were a chump if your husband had a private phone line and private mailbox you weren't allowed to access in 1970, and I still think it today.

If only I knew the code I would yes . But I don’t think I would Luke what I would find

Yup full of porn. Dont bother anymore

Kind of. A 'boyfriend' from many moons ago suddenly got very secretive with his phone. So one evening I decided, whilst we were snuggled up on the sofa, to call his phone as he was scrolling ig (cannot for the life of me remember where I got the idea from lol) and he had me saved as bloody 'ESTATE AGENT'. Had a wife and child and a mortgage all sorts. Slimey bastard.

@EmmiJay Eeek! What a way to catch him out! It does make me squirm hearing all the stories!
You are right on the Slimey Bastard with that one

Yes, abusive narc ex's phone and found out he was cheating yet again.

Never checked soon to be DH's phone because he's great and I trust him implicitly.

@WombOfOnesOwn

Fifty years ago your husband could give you a good hiding and no one gave a shit. Fifty years ago women couldn’t get mortgages on their own, fifty years ago women had to leave their jobs if they got married or pregnant. Of course men had privacy...down the pub, at work while their wife was a SAHM or if need be with a pile of change down at the phone box. Affairs happened back then just as they do now. Your post doesn’t make you sound savvy at all... you sound like a control freak.