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Original poster

Have you ever checked a partners phone?

78 replies

GetMeCoffeePlease · 20/01/2020 19:34

Please note that this isn’t about me!

I’ve been having a debate with my friend over the past couple of day’s as she has got into a rut of not trusting her partner and has checked his phone a few times while he is out the room saying she is sure something is going off that he’s hiding but also saying she wants to get evidence first before confronting him..

My argument is that, I just don’t believe that it’s right in checking phones. I think there’s a lot more respect on her behalf by just asking him outright and confronting him about her feelings. This way she’s not driving herself insane, she needs to have boundaries to respect him (even though she doesn’t feel like doing so right now) then if he comes clean and says somethings been going on then take it from there.

Most days she’s checked his phone and so far she has found nothing, so now she’s obsessed with doing it. I can honestly say, I’ve never done it and I really do not agree with it as I would hate for my own partner to do it to me out of pure respect.

I’ve ended up having enough of it today and snapped at her to stop being so bloody ridiculous and confront him in person or just drop it because I’ve had enough of hearing the same old paranoia...

What are you opinions about “phone checking”? Is this a thing that really goes on? Have some of you done it and found stuff out or are some of you on the same page of that it’s totally wrong?

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 21:10

No... but if I felt the need to.. I would leave

FloreanFortescue · 20/01/2020 21:17

I've always been in a marriage where phones are shareable assets!

"DH I need your phone a sec"

The second a phone became a guarded item I would be all over that.

category12 · 20/01/2020 21:19

What's behind her checking the phone?

ZestyDragon · 20/01/2020 21:22

I did once. He said something in passing that made me suspect that he was cheating or had done in the past. It was the first and only time in ten years. I was right - itwasn't just one woman either. There were dating sites and adult works etc. We are no longer together.

mamato3lads · 20/01/2020 21:27

Yep....just once in 18 years. And was pretty devastated by what I found. Porn porn porn....naked women....more porn. Just pictures no messaging or anything but my fucking god I couldn't believe it.

Instinct made me do it. I'd never ever ever done it before in all our years. And instinct was right. It usually is .... and I couldn't give a rats bollock about privacy laws. Were married....he shouldn't have anything on his phone he would not be happy for me to see and vice versa. Secrecy is never good and is definitely not an ingredient of a happy marriage. And as for the "ask him outright, dont snoop!" Brigade. Yeah right. Of course if I asked him he would readily admit to wanking himself silly over these images in our family bathroom wouldn't he?? No course fucking not so wise up.

Trust your gut , if its telling you to look, then look

Graciebutterfly · 20/01/2020 21:30

Op are you mad?...
For a lot of women who ask their dp, their dps lie. They don't say ' Oh yes Hun I've been sexting that hottie at work' or ' sweetie I've been seeing escorts after work'

Even when caught they lie.
Your friend seems to have got obsessed but for a lot of people it's the finally thing they do when they have spent ages with a gut feeling to find that yes the dp is a scumbag.

Boxing Day 2019 I saw a beautiful picture of some women's fanny and a butt plug! And I never go through ex's phone

Thestrangestthing · 20/01/2020 21:34

Yup did it loads in the middle of the night when youngest ds was a baby. I had previously found a couple of messages from when we first started seeing each other, but didn't find them until ds was born so was a but confused and didn't really trust him. Also his gambling was pretty bad at that point so I used to check through messages to make sure he didn't owe anyone money, but mostly to see who he had been messaging. Also had pnd and was terrified to be alone. Now I trust him, but not completely. I would never trust anyone 100%, but I can't actually be arse to get up in the middle of the night and look through his phone and don't feel the need to anymore. We are also better off now and he doesn't gamble as much, so I don't worry about that to the extent I used to. I'm also a lot more confident now, I love my dp but I don't need him. if I ever did find out he was cheating he would be gone. If I did suspect he was cheating I would check through everything to find the proof. I feel no guilt or shame about that.

Original poster

GetMeCoffeePlease · 20/01/2020 21:43

@Graciebutterfly
Don’t think I’m mad at all. I’m not saying that I trust the first sentence that comes out of my dp’s mouth when he’s confronted as I know that he’ll more than likely try and get out of it first, but yes, I am damn sure that when confronted and questioned he will tell me the truth and we will then have it out on the table and more than likely row about it for the next week..
All I’m saying is that I’m more than likely to go all guns blazing at my first sign of doubt then go on his phone behind his back and get all stressed and anxious about it.

OP posts:

Graciebutterfly · 20/01/2020 21:49

Well Op your lucky then that if your dp hurt you so badly by cheating on you that he would be respectful enough to tell you the truth.

What in reality you would get is less than half the story if he actually told you which he wouldn't. Because your dp would disrespect you in such a way if he care enough about your feelings.

Maybe you so have some experience on the subject first. My ex lied even though I didn't go through his phone I asked him calmly as I believe the text message I received was a troll. He promised he would never do such a thing and that he adored his family.

Guess what he lied.

namechange1041 · 20/01/2020 21:53

Yes I've snooped, I don't regret it and I would do it again

Some men can't be trusted to tell you the truth when you ask them, which is why you check anyway behind their back

category12 · 20/01/2020 22:01

Most cheating men would not admit it - they deny it and gaslight their partners. Even when you have seen some evidence, they minimise and barefacedly deny it.

Onesailwait · 20/01/2020 22:04

No its a.gross invasion of privacy and if you've got to that stage there are clearly huge problems with trust & communication. If i suspected my Dh was stepping out I would talk to him and if i didn't believe what he told me I would be asking myself if I wanted to stay in a relationship with someone I don't trust regardless of cheating.

category12 · 20/01/2020 22:07

It's really easy for people to say they'd just leave if they felt they couldn't trust their partner - but when you're actually in the situation and you have a life with that person, and children with that person, and they're telling you you're paranoid and wrong and destroying everything for no reason - it really isn't that easy.

babbez · 20/01/2020 22:19

Yep, easy to say, but in real life it's never that simple.

PopcornAndWine · 20/01/2020 22:25

@WombOfOnesOwn so I am a 'chump' because I have never once felt the need to check DH's phone? There was me thinking I had a happy, trusting marriage

Out of interest where do you stand on men checking their OH's phones? Are they 'chumps'
too if they don't regularly check their wives' phones?

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 22:34

I have my own career... I have children.. I have financial security.. I own my own home .. I have choices... I do not speak for anyone else... and do not claim to speak for anyone else... so for ME.. it IS that easy..

category12 · 20/01/2020 22:40

It's not about financial independence (although it can be as well) - it's about disrupting children's lives and the emotional fallout.

Turquiose · 20/01/2020 22:41

OP just support you're friend. She obviously suspects her dh. Whether you agree or not with her snooping is irrelevant. I would if I had any suspicions but I don't.

Pirateladyarrr · 20/01/2020 22:50

I think if partner started acting differently or acting suspicious I see no harm in having a snoop. Checking every day though and it becoming a habit is just damaging to your own well being and peace though. Having access to bank accounts I think is a must in a relationship tho

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 23:22

It's not about financial independence (although it can be as well) - it's about disrupting children's lives and the emotional fallout.

it's more damaging to children to stay in a bad relationship.. but as I said.. it's my house.. He'd be leaving..

RLEOM · 21/01/2020 01:27

I have, with 2 different ex partners. I went with my gut. My suspicions were correct, both had been cheating on me.

I'm glad I looked as it saved me spending more time being made a fool of. I got to leave sooner, get over them sooner, and move on sooner.

DramaAlpaca · 21/01/2020 01:36

I've never felt the need to check DH's phone. He's never felt the need to check mine. We have the same passcode, it's a family one we use for lots of things, but we wouldn't dream of touching each other's phones. He's entitled to his privacy as am I and we trust each other. Our relationship of over 30 years is based on that trust and I've never had a second's doubt that I can trust him. If I found myself wanting to check his phone I'd know there was something seriously wrong with my marriage.

PawPawNoodle · 21/01/2020 01:54

Nope - I'd either breach my partners trust or find something I don't want to see.

Loveablers · 21/01/2020 02:24

OP you’re extremely naive if you think simply by asking they’re gunna say “why yes dear I have been shagging Sandra at work oh and I’ve also been hiding money away from you”

If I thought DP was cheating I would 100% check his phone before asking him.

1forAll74 · 21/01/2020 02:26

No way would I check a partners phone, I am always aghast when read that so many women do this. Reading peoples messages,and tracking them, etc, it's so wrong.

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