Dunking too much , becoming nasty and then hard to eject from house.

[NoFun21]

My stbx here to see kids. Is it worrying to drink a whole bottle of wine whilst waiting for me to put kids to bed?

If you ask a man to leave and tell them they are scaring you - should they keep following you in house until you shut yourself in lining room until they leave?

I fully expect people tell me how stupid I am to be letting him stay after bedtime etc but I am just feeling so sad about the children who love him so much and to whom he only shows his best sides that I thought we might talk.

He is highly intelligent but I am utterly confused by him. He wants to have sex with me , professes with outrage to not be trying to sleep with me whilst going through s divorce and then suggests the 2 ways we can get that divorce and tells me he’s just really horny: when I tell him I find that disgusting to be putting his sexual
needs first when I am in a desperately difficult situation with young children , one with asd etc he again expresses outrage at my “calling him disgusting.”He raises his voice and gesticulates at me. I start feeling shaky and that I just don’t want to speak another word to him or hear another word from
Him. I want him to leave but he follows me to to the kitchen to put his glass down. I say I’ll take it and he must go but he won’t give me the glass. I shut myself in the living room and wait for him to leave he knocks on the door, I tell him to go , that it’s not a good idea. He leaves and texts me about finalising divorce in the morning. My sweet children will be all faces alight asking me where daddy has gone tomorrow. I feel so horrified and cannot makes sense of his behaviour at all. Please don’t attack me my situation is very challenging and I just wanted to see if there was any will
On his part to reconcile for the children as their life with me is barren and I can’t give them any of the attention I could were I to have him with me, just to play with, bath one occasionally do
I can give some attention to the other, they love him. I am so Confused by his behaviour.

Sorry should read “ drinking too much”

Hi OP, it sounds very frightening. Is the reason you're divorcing, his abuse?

You need to put your safety first and, yes, that means putting in boundaries. He needs to see the children outside of your home only. You need to not allow him in your house.

It's not actually that good for the dc to have blurred boundaries - and it's certainly no good for them to have their mother afraid or worse raped. It's better for them to know where things stand - which is you two are split up, divorcing and they will see dad at x,y and z times

Can you help me make sense of this? I accused him of treating me like a cheap date - trying to sleep with me but also
Pursuing a divorce. He expressed innocence and outrage. He then tells me he is just really horny and he will get on to his lawyers in the morning to finalise the divorce as I didn’t sleep with him and pointed out that he was trying to sleep with me whilst getting a divorce? It was all so ugly and I’m so confused by it.

Please do not let him in your home again!

OP, he doesn't want to reconcile, he just wanted to fuck you.

He is abusing you, nothing more than that. He feels entitled to have what he wants and when he wants it whether that is seeing the DC, drinking too much or having sex with you.

He is dangerous please protect yourself and the DC from him.

21 first just get a nice cup of tea with a bit of sugar and/or a biscuit and go and sit down or get into bed.

This wasn't nice but cat12 said it - he wanted to sleep with you. He will find it hard to give up his territory and presumably you're aren't having sex much or at all with him at the mo and he's missing it and you.

Why are you divorcing? Whose idea was it?

Have you had a drink too, OP?

It sounds like things got a little out of hand there and you two really need to leave the parenting at parenting.

Don't try to make sense of a drunk man's actions. Don't let it happen again.

He started off asking for I feel under pressure to have sex with him and I said I did because I thought he would be difficult to communicate with about the children If I didn’t etc which he denied. He said I could always trust him etc etc. The children adore him and they are having a shit time with me because I am exhausted and overstretched and have no family help, few friends and both children are very demanding, one and incessant talker with autism
The other only 2.5. They want him in our lives ahd to them he is the fun loving impressive man that most people see. I don’t think he’d ever really hurt me as he would hate the children to see him in that way so they are my protection. When I calm a spade a spade in terms of his behaviour and motivation he acts outraged and yet that is what he is doing? How can he not see this. It’s like the emperors new clothes? He’s an nhs consultant and very clever so what is going on here?

Sorry when I call a spade a spade

He is ABUSING you!!!!

He can parent them a few days per week in his home, give you a proper break!

He doesn't want this he wants to ensure he can carry on controlling you...

3rdchristmas lucky I had one g&t and said I didn’t want wine so was drinking lemonade whilst he’d drunk a whole bottle of red alone.

@RandomMess is right, he is dangerous.

He's got no problem with intimidating you, which could go further. He stays in your house when you've asked him not to. This is an indication that he's capable of doing other things even if you asked him not to.

'Have you had a drink too, OP?

It sounds like things got a little out of hand there and you two really need to leave the parenting at parenting.'

@3rdchristmas- where have you got that from? OP didn't do anything to encourage him.

I agree though, @NoFun21 don't let him drink if you can avoid it. I'm genuinely concerned for you, whether he has a drink or not. Is there a friend you could describe his actions to, who could perhaps be in the house when he's around?

@NoFun21 okay I was only asking as you seem a little confused, clearly you're just upset.

Chalk it up to experience. Don't let him back into your house.

He was trying to pressure you into sex, again because be was drunk.

@Interestedwoman I never said she was encouraging him. Her typing and general confusion indicated that she had been drinking.

By don't let it happen again, I meant don't let him back in the house.

Your children are not protection and doesn't the fact you think you have to use them as protection make you realise how deeply fucked up this situation is? It's your job to protect them.

He would never hurt the children he adores them category12 of that I am absolutely sure. I think he might hurt me if the children would not know and did not need me so much. The problem is I am literally trapped by my situation. The children have to see him at my home or else they have to go to him which is impossible because:

• he lives in a one bed flat on the other side of the city with no car
• my son who has autism cannot process our separation just as he cannot process an object bring broken- in his mind it Can’t be.

-my autistic son needs to be driven places in a car, my ex doesn’t have one

• my b autistic son will recognise the playgrounds/ parks near where my ex lives as they are near the house he was born in and these are the places we used to go before we split

This will disturb and upset him

• my ex cannot manage my son and my daughter out and about as my so. Is difficult and unpredictable and Bolts, gets upset with other children at times etc whilst my daughter has no sense of danger and is only 2.5. My ex is unfit and lazy abd I worry about him losing one
• my daughter still breastfeeds abs we co sleep

-my ex does not cook ( a minor point)

This is why he sees them once a week at my home snd takes my car. I am trying to protect them.

Can you leave the house when he is there?
Have you considered a contact center?

I do leave the house but having him
In my home is very hard particularly when things are this bad did he can be so nasty. I think a contact centre would not be ok for my son Ruth other families there etc .

If he won't leave, call the police. Great as it is for your kids to see him, it shouldn't be at the expense of your safety.

And don't drink when he's there!

If he is the wonderful dad you are proclaiming --
If he really loves and dotes on them and separation would be traumatic for him then
He will sort himself out. Get an apartment with a roll-out bed so they have a space to sleep. Pick them up in a taxi or Uber. Take them for day time not overnight. Take them separately so they get private time and he can manage. Do takeaways.
Stop being the enabler and let him man up or get out of their lives and yours.

So he can drive but chooses not to? And you're lending him your car?

His contact with DC is his responsibility to sort. He collects them and takes them somewhere to spend time with.

If you are feeling particularly generous, then you take them to him on Saturday morning and pick them up Saturday night - best to avoid overnights for now.

He has lost his privilege to enter your home by sexually harassing you, verbally abusing you, abusing alcohol, and being physically aggressive to you.

Can you see a solicitor? He is being thoroughly abusiive and gaslighting you, minimising your fear.

Have you phoned any DV helplines about hiM? Women's Aid for instance.

If he refuses to leave again, please call the police to have him removed. I would phone the non-emergency number now and ask to speak to the DV Unit. Well, at least I would call them in hte morning.

You also need the Freedom Programme. It will help you set boundaries and keep them firm, so he leaves you alone.