Dunking too much , becoming nasty and then hard to eject from house.

[NoFun21]

My stbx here to see kids. Is it worrying to drink a whole bottle of wine whilst waiting for me to put kids to bed?

If you ask a man to leave and tell them they are scaring you - should they keep following you in house until you shut yourself in lining room until they leave?

I fully expect people tell me how stupid I am to be letting him stay after bedtime etc but I am just feeling so sad about the children who love him so much and to whom he only shows his best sides that I thought we might talk.

He is highly intelligent but I am utterly confused by him. He wants to have sex with me , professes with outrage to not be trying to sleep with me whilst going through s divorce and then suggests the 2 ways we can get that divorce and tells me he’s just really horny: when I tell him I find that disgusting to be putting his sexual
needs first when I am in a desperately difficult situation with young children , one with asd etc he again expresses outrage at my “calling him disgusting.”He raises his voice and gesticulates at me. I start feeling shaky and that I just don’t want to speak another word to him or hear another word from
Him. I want him to leave but he follows me to to the kitchen to put his glass down. I say I’ll take it and he must go but he won’t give me the glass. I shut myself in the living room and wait for him to leave he knocks on the door, I tell him to go , that it’s not a good idea. He leaves and texts me about finalising divorce in the morning. My sweet children will be all faces alight asking me where daddy has gone tomorrow. I feel so horrified and cannot makes sense of his behaviour at all. Please don’t attack me my situation is very challenging and I just wanted to see if there was any will
On his part to reconcile for the children as their life with me is barren and I can’t give them any of the attention I could were I to have him with me, just to play with, bath one occasionally do
I can give some attention to the other, they love him. I am so Confused by his behaviour.

Who knows about emotional abuse and complicated parenting issues?

Yes, as advised above, have a look at the Family Law Panel. The solicitors with the purple ribbon are trained in DV.

Thank you 12345kbm

I looked at the Family Law Pavel solicitors but couldn’t not see anyone with this specific expertise. Does anyone know a family lawyer in London who understands autism thoroughly and also emotional abide / coercion?

Try looking here OP: www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx if you can't find anyone, call the National Autism Society and seek advice from them directly: www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/about-us/contact-us.aspx

OP,
The police are who you call when you feel threatened in your home.

💐

billy1966 I don’t see how I can call the police and say “ he was just following me from Room to
Room trying to continue talking to me rather than leaving when I asked him to” I don’t think they’d be
Impressed? I did once call the police on him not long after he’d left the family home and was back visiting the children because he had pushed me backward by the throat ( not squeezing, not hard but pushes me backwards with his hand on my throat). I called the police and hung up and they banged on the door 10 minutes later. He’d already left and I just told them he’d been shouting at me because I was afraid of what would happen. I think that greatly angered him as his view of himself as someone worthy of respect and as a good person, a medical professional is extremely important to him- the most important thing.
This was such a betrayal In his eyes even if I didn’t tell them what happened exactly. I am concerned that he thinks I might want to have sex with him after he’s drunk an entire bottle of wine , to go to bed with a large drunk man after an exhausting bedtime with the kids.
Worried about his drinking as I don’t know about it. When I met him he basically didn’t drink. I wonder low whether that’s because of how he becomes when he’s drunk.

You can say, 'My husband is drunk, pestering me for sex, following me from room to room and won't leave me alone. I'm frightened and there are young children here.'

Was he accused by the police of 'using the children as a weapon?' The details are remarkably similar to someone who posted here before and was advised to keep him out of the house because he's abusive.

No he wasn’t. The police just accepted that there had been done shouting and even reassured him over the phone that it would not be recorded . I okie I should have told them that had really happened.

I've gone through your posting history and there is a history of drinking and abuse on behalf of your husband. You have been advised time and again to take some action and to keep him out of the house. Not protecting your children is considered neglectful and abusive OP. He's been calling you names in front of your children, constantly pesters you for sex, gets aggressive and you have called the police on him before.

Yet you are still letting him in and haven't done anything about it. I have already advised you to contact the National Autistic Society regarding contact as well as Gingerbread to get advice on that but you obviously haven't.

You need to step up and start protecting them OP.

Remember what they say on planes about parents putting on their own masks before putting masks on their children.

Your Ex is abusive and your son’s autism is not reason enough to accept it. I understand why you think absorbing his crap is the least worst option but in the long run it isn’t because his behaviour will take its toll on you and as the responsible, dependable parent your wellbeing is more important to them than a sleazy, manipulative man with whom they share DNA.

Of course the police are who you call when your ex-husband, who no longer lives with you is threatening, pestering and harrassing you in YOUR home.

The police will take this seriously.

Your husband should to.

DV is not a good look for a medical career.

Your poor children.

123kbm I don’t think that’s fair. I asked him to leave our old home- I moved my children to another area( quite a task with a 1.5 year old and one with asd) . This is particularly hard when he is a doting dad and kind helpful person to everyone outside the home and on top of that he is telling you it’s all your fault and you are destroying the family.. I have only been letting him in because he does, whatever you say on here, bring a great deal of pleasure and comfort to my children and I wanted to avoid them having to endure a traumatic situation, my son particularly could not have coped with visiting dad at his strange new flat in tandem with leaving the home he was born in and getting to know a new house. If you understand asd you will understand why I couldn’t put him through that. My ex was also living 3 hours away until recently and didn’t have a car so it would have been impossible with a child that be able overexcited and difficult to manage on trains. Please don’t tell me off - I was trying to put my kids first. I understand that now they are settled at home I may now begin to demand a different set up. I will call gingerbread. I have tried NAS but not got anywhere as it’s not advice on behaviour etc from another parent I need.

OP he's not a good dad, he's not a good dad. He calls you a cunt in front of his children. He is aggressive and abusive and sexually harassing you. That's not a good dad.

You can't plead innocence because you have have been told that he's abusive and that it's abusive for children to witness abuse. You are going to have to bite the bullet and put up good boundaries and strict contact arrangements in order to protect both yourself and your children.

You need a solicitor as he's going to fight you because he's abusive. He's already ground you down so that you're convinced you're in the wrong here. You need to protect your children. Children need stability and the sooner they get used to proper contact arrangements with their dad, the better they will be. You'll have to put up with some acting out but they will get over it.

If you contacted the NAS and they've been unhelpful, then complain and try to find another service. Their job is to give you advice and support and, if they can't then they should signpost you to organisations that can. You are not the first parent of an autistic child to divorce and manage the fall out from that. Find strategies to make it easier for him.

You're being 'told off' for not acting on the advise already given to you and for continuing to allow your children to witness abuse. It's not OK for your husband to call you names, get aggressive, blame you for being a bad mother or harass you for sex. You need to do everything you can to protect yourself and them.

Thanks I rang the national NAS and they could only suggest one organisation who were not autism specific and when I googled them did not look appropriate. I then heard back from local branch who couldn’t help me and referred me to
NAS national. I’ve tried to get in touch with a solicitor on family law panel but not heard back.
I’ll try gingerbread but i am really struggling to get the diet of advice / expertise I need. Any other pointers?

Sorry the right kind of advice ( not diet)

OP all I can say it well done for stepping up. I know how hard this is for you. I'm so pleased to hear you contacted those organisations.

Try Gingerbread, they should be able to signpost you.

Other organisations to try: The Law Society: [[www.lawsociety.org.uk/]

I've already given you the search facility for legal practitioners who have experience in Autism on the NAS website.

You might find this helpful: www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed147832 It's a guide to autism and family courts and how to prepare.

There's an NHS search facility to find autism support groups: www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Autism-support-groups/LocationSearch/310

As previously advised, you need support. You're under a lot of pressure so try to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and see what is available to you: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

For more information, help and support also try the CABx: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/

12345kbm thank you so much for all of this information which I will look through carefully. I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about all this - it’s too exposing to talk to friends ( not that I have that many) and what makes it hard too is that people only see my husband’s good side so they don’t really grasp what I’m trying to convey so I don’t anymore. Many of my friends have disappeared being fair weather friends it seems. My parents are elderly and worry and don’t know what to say. They have not been helpful in the past and encouraged me not to” be selfish” etc when I was unhappy although they now they see the damage. That’s why I come on here because I hope to maybe communicate with someone who understands for example how destructive just being denied eye in contact in a marriage can be let alone more severe things in fact I think it’s the little denials and neglects that have been most damaging. I am very keen to create a situation which does not confuse just children or expose them to further toxicity. I am just incredibly nervous about trusting him with them as I really struggle with them in terms of keeping an eye on them and I’m fit and energetic and active and he’s lazy and he does not really know any children my daughters age and so I worry about him meeting her needs. He is lazy however so unlike me he will not take them anywhere too difficult for him which is a blessing in disguise I suppose. I’m just terrified he will lose my daughter whilst seeing to my son or visa versa, or will not notice my daughter climbing up to turn on the hot tap ( as she will) - this sort of thing. I know I just have to resign myself to that at some point. It would certainly help me if I did not have to see him every weekend and my home was my own space again. I get very stressed in the days heading up to his visits.

You're trying to do the best you can OP. You really need to search out some support groups for survivors of domestic abuse. They will 'get' you immediately. It's so, so important to have that support because abusers make you feel like you are going mad. Especially the 'charmers' that no one but you can see through.

Like I advised above, supervised access sounds like the way to go. I know I keep saying this but my advice is to contact Rights of Women and let them guide you on how to approach this. They give free legal advice and may be able to point you in the right direction regarding a solicitor. You have to just keep pressing redial until you get through on the phone as they are oversubscribed but they are a great service.

Reach out for support OP, spend a day with a pad and pen and call all these organisations. Get as much information and advice as you can. You're going to be ok.

I will do all that you are suggesting 1234kbmsw.