Dunking too much , becoming nasty and then hard to eject from house.

[NoFun21]

My stbx here to see kids. Is it worrying to drink a whole bottle of wine whilst waiting for me to put kids to bed?

If you ask a man to leave and tell them they are scaring you - should they keep following you in house until you shut yourself in lining room until they leave?

I fully expect people tell me how stupid I am to be letting him stay after bedtime etc but I am just feeling so sad about the children who love him so much and to whom he only shows his best sides that I thought we might talk.

He is highly intelligent but I am utterly confused by him. He wants to have sex with me , professes with outrage to not be trying to sleep with me whilst going through s divorce and then suggests the 2 ways we can get that divorce and tells me he’s just really horny: when I tell him I find that disgusting to be putting his sexual
needs first when I am in a desperately difficult situation with young children , one with asd etc he again expresses outrage at my “calling him disgusting.”He raises his voice and gesticulates at me. I start feeling shaky and that I just don’t want to speak another word to him or hear another word from
Him. I want him to leave but he follows me to to the kitchen to put his glass down. I say I’ll take it and he must go but he won’t give me the glass. I shut myself in the living room and wait for him to leave he knocks on the door, I tell him to go , that it’s not a good idea. He leaves and texts me about finalising divorce in the morning. My sweet children will be all faces alight asking me where daddy has gone tomorrow. I feel so horrified and cannot makes sense of his behaviour at all. Please don’t attack me my situation is very challenging and I just wanted to see if there was any will
On his part to reconcile for the children as their life with me is barren and I can’t give them any of the attention I could were I to have him with me, just to play with, bath one occasionally do
I can give some attention to the other, they love him. I am so Confused by his behaviour.

You are overthinking this. You are separated, he isn't poor if he's a consultant. He needs to create a situation in which he takes the kids to a space of his own. It sounds to me like you are used to him dominating conversations. You are right here, not him, you need to make that clear and stick to it. He sounds fucking horrible to you but you need to find some self esteem. Good luck.

I don’t see how my solicitor would help me with what happened? We have completed the financial part of the divorce but he has been sitting on finalising it. This is only to save his money in my opinion and he has been trying to also have sex with me. He denied doing this point blank whilst doing it. I had to wake up ru is morning to my little boy asking for him- my son will never understand us not being together- even a small item being broken distressed him with his autism. I just told him daddy loves you very much and daddy will always come back and see you. I am only concerned by how all this affects the kids and my understanding is there’s not much I can do to control hiis visitations etc unless I go to court. This could be counterproductive for me as I believe I would be painted as the crazy mother of a child with autism which believed that no one else could take proper care of my child. My understanding is Th at the courts would rather parents solved these things themselves. The problem is that whilst I worry about my children in his care ( never because he might hurt them
I know he never would) more because the siultuariom will disturb them and I worry about my sons mental health. I don’t see how the domestic violence unit at the police would help me either? My husband would lose his job if he gets any criminal conviction and him being destitute and angrier is not going to help my kids. Am I missing something?

Yes you are. You’re missing the part where you don’t see just how much you’re being abused and what it does to you. And that is the reason you’re feeling stretched and stressed etc.
Listen to me: your exH is not your responsibility. You are not there to facilitate him a relationship with his children to the detriment of everyone else.
So, if he can’t pull his finger and get suitable accommodation and a car to see his kids, that’s on him, not you.
Don’t let him into your house again. Meet him at the playground, hand the kids over for the day, expect him to drop them off at x time. If he can’t manage that, he can’t see them.

Your kids will be absolutely fine, and that’s because they have you as their mum.

He can be poor if he is giving money to me each month, sending money to his mother and sister who live in a country with lots of economic problems and have nothing. What with renting in London etc he can be poor. If he lost his job he would be. He can’t afford to run a car. Everyone suggesting I just meet at a contact centre, at a playground does not understand how difficult my autistic sons behaviour can be -!i can hardly take him to a playground often let alone with the stress of a change in contact with dad there. My son is not flexible and becomes very distressed. This is what is Hardy’s hard to covey abs unless you have an autistic family member you won’t understand. I thought last night he might suggests some ways we could change things for the benefit of the kids and stay together but all he cared about was having sex. I really don’t understand this moronic obsession with sex at the expense of everything else? How can an intelligent man be so base? Please understand I’m trying to protect my sons fragile mental health rather than just force him into some extremely precarious situation. I am also terrified because if by son is very distressed he might take it out on my daughter and if my ex is not able to supervise adequately etc. My son bolts, breaks things, pinches others etc if upset . He is a child who needs handling v carefully. A bad situation for him will mean a bad situation for my 2.5 year old daughter.

Op is English your second language because your posts are quite disjointed.

There are some tough decisions to be made here. Your letting this man in your home because you say it benefits the kids but in reality it isn’t.

Who decided to divorce who?

No English is not my second language 😕

Sorry I will try to be more eloquent and less disjointed but i am often distracted as I have my kids with me. I am just so depressed today with both children asking after daddy. That is why I entertained having him stay to talk in the first place - that I wanted to fulfill their needs for him. People can’t say he doesn’t benefit them as they haven’t seen how attached my children are to and how playful etc he is to them. It’s me that he is bad for .

I am just so confused.’I do t understand how someone can suggest something ( sex and divorce) and then deny outright that’s what they are doing.

The undeniable yet denied demands for sex are about power, not physical need or emotional connection. He want to reassure himself that he is in control and can do whatever he likes to you.

When you refuse and assert your autonomy, he is frustrated. On one level, he knows he is behaving badly; on another level he is denying it like crazy to maintain his integrity and belief in himself as a good person. He's in a bad place with plenty of cognitive dissonance going on!

It's really not safe to have him in the house, especially with him drinking, and I wouldn't be letting him use your car, either. I get that you want the children to see him, but it really can't be in your house. You're not safe!

Unless you could have a friend or relative there with you as protection, but that's really not a long-term solution.

I think if you had yielded to his demands for sex or if he'd forced himself on you, he would have turned it on you in some way, manipulating him with sex or something.

He is really messed up right now, so don't cudgel your brain trying to understand him; he probably can't understand himself. If you ever need to call the police in him, don't hesitate. Don't let his profession tie your hands and put you in danger.

It concerns me that people exist like you who cannot see what it actually happening in their life

Thanks PPopsicle that’s helpful.

OP there are things you can do here because I'm worried this man is going to rape you. The fact that you are not protecting your children from this is disturbing. Children witnessing abuse is considered abusive as it damages them. Just because he is not directly abusing his children, does not mean it's not abuse.

Sort out the child contact arrangements with your husband. Have supervised contact, this is where another person is present during his contact with them in your home if that is your only option at present. You are not there when he arrives, nor when he leaves. You go somewhere else or, have someone with you when he arrives and when you come back.

You can get a non molestation order (contact the NCDV for more details) which means he cannot do certain things when he's with you.

You can contact the National Autistic Society for help and advice on contact between your abusive ex and your autistic child. They have a parent peer service you might find helpful.

He's dangerous and abusive OP and you have no idea if your children could hear him banging on the door, you arguing with him and him pestering you for sex. They may not understand exactly what is going on but they will know something is which may contribute to your son's acting out. Children aren't stupid, they are highly perceptive and deeply affected by this kind of behaviour.

You've also said that you are having sex with him to make life easier. You need to stop doing this immediately and have minimal contact with this man. I suggest you phone Rights of Women for your options. For further information and advice on child contact and how to properly arrange it, contact Gingerbread. Also contact the National DV Helpline for safety advice and support.

Thanks I am not having sex with him. I told him no that I didn’t want to and thought it was disgusting of him to be trying to have sex wit me whilst going through divorce with no intention of reconciliation. He then got angry accusing me of calling him “ disgusting” being a prude etc. He then starting demanding I tell him whether he should cakllswyerd to finalise divorce or wait until 2 years because he thinks marriage will dissolve and he‘lol save money. It’s hard to make anyone understand that when he’s angry the way he talks to me makes me feel desperate and he wouldn’t leave me alone so I shut myself in front room until he left.

Get legal advice OP regarding the divorce. You can try the Family Law Panel or initially, Rights of Women who can advise you on where to go from here.

Don't give him the opportunity to do that to you again. Don't be alone with him again. Email only so that you have evidence of any abusive behaviour and start keeping a log in case his behaviour escalates. You write a log by putting 'date' 'time' and what happened and how it made you feel.

Do not reconcile with this man as he's dangerous and contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in order to get advice on your own safety as his behaviour could get worse. Look into a non molestation order. Get a solicitor with either domestic abuse training or experience.

OP, your ex's choice to send money to his family abroad is not your problem.

Presumably your ds becomes accustomed to changes in his routine if done carefully and sensitively? It would be worth the short term pain of helping him make the adjustment to a contact centre or other safe meeting space for the long term benefits.

I don't see how you can possibly describe your ex as a good dad if he has no idea how to deal with the dc. He's not.

This man isn’t going to divorce you. I’d like bet he was the one that instigated it too.

He’s a head fuck, a manipulator, a fucking sexually aggressive arsehole.

With you letting him in the house - regardless if the kids want to see him - your putting them in danger and emotional danger

This is not how good fathers behave.

Your kids deserve better and this must be extremely confusing for them.

Start protecting yourself by not letting him in.

Start giving your kids some kind of structure and normality by letting him see them in a safe space. Regular set times so they know what’s going on.

Come on OP start getting this sorted

You would really benefit from speaking with Women's Aid and doing the Freedom Programme, OP. It's deeply troubling that you appear to be hoping to reconcile with a man who treats you like this.

I think the way you do contact is confusing your children. I have worked with autistic children and their families, and I think your son will adjust to the change in your marriage given time, and that he will adjust more quickly if he is not constantly confused by daddy being at home and hten daddy not being at home.

The reason I suggested a solicitor is that I think you will all benefit from formalising your contact arrangements especially if they occur somewhere other than the home you all used to share. Your son needs to get used to living with you and his sister in his normal home and used to the idea that his dad now lives somewhere else. By allowing your dh into your home you are confusing your son more than helping him.

Thanks Jux it’s just really difficult because as I said my kids are hard to manage in public spaces and o take them out and about but it is nerve wracking- my son might leave a playground for example whilst my daughter is still inside climbing to the top of a play structure she is too small for and can fall from, that sort of thing. My son can get upset if it’s raining etc and if it’s bad weather there is nowhere to take them as everywhere is teeming with kids and my son can’t handle crowds/queues -metc. My children need to have a base , particularly my son they can’t just stay out all day in any weather and if my son is having an anxious phase it’s extremely hard for him to do thar.

But if you choose a contact centre he will get used to that base and can’t run off

OP I think you need to do a lot more research on contact centres and what they are like

Your ex needs to stop sending money to his mum etc and use it for his kids. He needs to arrange transport when he sees them, once a week. He could use a taxi. They can play in a one room flat, he's not having them overnight atm so that's not a problem. He can put some oven chips on a baking tray and some nuggets and put that in an over for the requisite amount of time, he's intelligent so he jolly well can. He can give them milk or water or juice.

There is no reason why he can't see your children once a week. He could even see them separately (not so good for you) until they find the situation more familiar, and then have them together.

Honestly, you need someone to fight your corner. What is happening now is no good for any of you except your ex. He is abusing you. You do need to stand up to him, take firm hand but you need support to do that. Call Women's Aid as a start. Just have a chat.

I don’t have anyone to fight my corner. It’s hard to have self esteem when people are telling f you that you are not protecting your kids although everything you do is for the children, that they worry that people like you exist who can’t see what’s happening in your lif2, is English even your first language? It would be so easy if iI were them in your situation or course, sorry I’m
Just feeling desperate tonight. Life is
Just a ticking
Torture even more so with these incredibly beautiful children you wanted to give
So much to but just have this shut
Life and this shit personality to offer them. Everyone in my life had let me down . I hate life and I have to pretend for them that it’s not what it is.

OP, please speak to the Samaritans if you're feeling desperate.

And tomorrow, reach out to Women's Aid and rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Can anyone recommend me a lawyer in London who knows about thy os stuff please?