Porn...

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So a few years ago i found porn on my husbands phone. I was hurt, my husband said if it hurt me then he wouldnt watch it again.
Fast foward 2 years. We have a baby. That dosent sleep. Turns out when ive been getting our baby to sleep hes been downsatirs watching porn.
I had my suspicions as i went to use the i internet on his phone the other day as mine was dead, the first page that loaded was the history clearing page.
So few days later uses his phone again and a shit load of porn loads straight up.
I feel so ugly fat and disgusting.
When i think back to a few weeks ago (b4 my discovery) i went down stairs after getting the little one to sleep and he was all over me like a rash we had sex he was so turned on... Now i realise he had been watching porn before hand....
My husband dosent know ive seen this.... I dont kniw why i havent confronted him . But i havent..... Im hurt, self conscience, exhausted, emotional.... Advice

Porn is wrong in many ways....focus on the fact that most of the women in those videos have been abused at some point in their lives and some have been trafficked.

Rather than letting the films make you feel inadequate. Tell your husband that

And tell him those women were all someone's baby once.

Well he needs to get his butt upstairs and take it in turns helping with bubba instead of messing around on his phone.

I do OP because I've been in precisely the same situation you have. Just after my DS was born, I caught him wanking as I lay exhausted on the sofa after breastfeeding late one night.

Like you I had every single negative word running around my head. Plus exhausted. Drained. Little money. Hurt. Porn by now had become a running 18 month cycle going on for ten years. Now I had two little ones.

A voice in my head said, 'Leave it for now, pick your battles'. And I did. When I was back on my feet, in a professional established job, I went.

I remember once PatriNarc saying to me, a relationship can survive a fuck up. Possibly two. It's when it becomes cyclic.

In my 12 years on the relationship boards, I've seen a sea change in how women view porn in the context of a relationship. I used to hate it, now I do not care because I'm getting affection and care back from him, do you see?

Fubdemebtally, the usage of porn in a relationship where one partner, or both!, is feeling unattractive is unhealthy. Again, I LNOW how it made me feel when he wanked himself silly then couldnt get hard. I was really quite overweight and felt as sexy as a pile of blamonge.

It's clear he never stopped viewing and has lied. But is this a deal breaker? Only you can decide but you havnt delineated any other behaviours except touching on that it appears you ate doing pretty much all the childcare. Now that's problematic.

Oh by second him, thays my DP. Divorced from H.

You have to bring it up to him or it’ll just eat away at you.

It’s awful isn’t it I’ve experienced the same ie found it in his phone 3 months after having a baby. I’m lining my ducks up though for a swift exit because it’s a deal breaker for me & he knew it and still hasn’t respected me.

Sorry you’re having to go through this. Men are utter crap.

I have to confront him tonight because its consuming all my thoughts.
Im a big fat spotty greasy haired nackard mess.
These women were not.
How the hell do i approach this without looking like ive been snooping his phne.
I hate this feeling.
Im trying to tell my self its not a big deal, but it must be as it hurts? Alot.
Hes gone to work
All i can think of is i bet you were on porn last night while i was upstairs with baby.
Its driving a wedge btween us.
Feel really really down today.
And pissed off.
I also have the feeling he is going to pull the 'i dont get enough attention your always busy or tired' card when i confront

I must add he is a good person other than this!
Hes a good dad to our dd, he comes in from work cleans looks after her while i have bath cooks etc..... Its just this!
While im upstairs breastfeeding and settling hes downstairs loking at porn

I get that sometimes he might have the urge for a quick wank and sorts himself out but this sounds really regular.

Just tell him you've seen it and why you looked - the search history clearing made you suspicious.

Tell him honestly and openly how you feel. Let him tell you how he feels. Together you can work it out if you have an otherwise good relationship.

Yeah i would understand that, but in all honesty i dont think he even wanks to it. He just watches it. And then we have sex 😢.
And it looks like on hus phone its practiaclly if not defiantly every. Single. Night

Oh I understand. You feel he's using that to get in the mood because you feel unattractive?

In that case it definitely needs to stop. I do think being honest is the only way to go about this.

You’ve just had a baby, those women have not! Plus they have filters, surgery, it’s complete fantasy. You cannot compare yourself to that (and you shouldn’t want/need to)
What are you most annoyed about the porn or him not helping with baby?
There seem to a lot of porn threads lately.... firstly
Is it a deal breaker for you?

I wouldn’t mind the porn so much (that’s just my opinion, as long as it wasn’t obsessive use/hardcore/weird stuff/he compared me to the women/couldn’t get it up/etc occasional use is fine imo)

I would however be annoyed he lied to me about watching it and I’d be absolutely flaming furious I was doing all the baby stuff whilst he was downstairs enjoying himself (and by that I mean whatever he was doing, watching football, reading, wanking, anything!

Could you say...
Look it’s your turn tonight & I'm going to have a bath etc” or whatever you’d like to do. I would then, having let my mob battery run down, casually say oh pass your phone I need to search something... then confront him. That’s if you don’t want him to know you’ve snooped. Alternatively, could you catch him in the act?

In all honesty though I wouldn’t care about what he thought, I’d say look, I know you’ve been watching porn, whilst I’m looking after our baby. Why have you lied to me about it and do you think it’s acceptable you are happily wanking off, instead of helping me.

He looks for big butts and big titss and fisting. I dont have big tits or a big butt. Well not the kind he looks at. And i do not want to be fisted.

And like i say its every day

He helps with baby, i just do bed time as she breast feeds to sleep.
So its not that im angry with.
Its the porn

I wouldn't let what he's looking at bother you (unless he's suggesting you try it). The way it makes you feel is what's important.

Ugh. I hate porn because a porn addiction killed my marriage.
I think some men think watching porn and wanking is acceptable if their wife isn't up for sex because she just had a baby.
You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel about it though. If he minimises then that tells you something about how he sees it.

Don't bother with the "they're abused women" argument. Either he knows and doesnt care, or he knows and feels bad about it but does it any way or he just straight up won't believe you.

If its a dealbreaker for you, you have to cut and run now. A porn watcher doesnt stop, he just gets better at hiding it. Although increasingly i think there are less men who dont watch porn, just some do it less than others and some are better at keeping it seperate from their relationship with their partners.

I’m so sorry he’s treating you so badly OP. He should know that looking after a very small baby is a very sensitive and challenging time.

I would ask him, how would he like his little DD to grow up to be one of those women on a porn site, reduced to a pair of big tits or a big butt? They are all someone’s daughter and as individuals are worthy of the same respect as any other human being. I’d love to know his reaction.

If it’s every day that’s a bit of a problem, he sounds addicted to it, but it might just be a fast release... you need to speak to him to ask why he lied, why it’s every day, how it makes you feel, if you want to be with him if he wants to watch it, whether he can give it up.

How is he in every other department? Kind? Caring? Treat you well? Do you love each other? Is there trust? (Porn aside)

Is the porn a deal breaker? I presume he hasn’t asked you to engage in that kind of sexual activity?

Talk to him xx

Thanks for all the advice every one.
Im going to decide to day how to approach this with him tonight.
Hes a good man really.
Im just worried now i wont ever feel good enough again.
So sad

I feel so embarrsed to admit this. After i seen he had looked at porn, the next evening i made a real effort, sexy underwear, makeup on hair done, waited for him coming in, yeah we had sex, it was good, but the next day.... Right back at the porn

Bless you, OP. You shouldn't have to dress up for him. Yeah it's nice as a treat for him occasionally to spice things up but you shouldn't feel like it's that or porn.

I know im pathetic