Porn...

[Sabertooth]

So a few years ago i found porn on my husbands phone. I was hurt, my husband said if it hurt me then he wouldnt watch it again.
Fast foward 2 years. We have a baby. That dosent sleep. Turns out when ive been getting our baby to sleep hes been downsatirs watching porn.
I had my suspicions as i went to use the i internet on his phone the other day as mine was dead, the first page that loaded was the history clearing page.
So few days later uses his phone again and a shit load of porn loads straight up.
I feel so ugly fat and disgusting.
When i think back to a few weeks ago (b4 my discovery) i went down stairs after getting the little one to sleep and he was all over me like a rash we had sex he was so turned on... Now i realise he had been watching porn before hand....
My husband dosent know ive seen this.... I dont kniw why i havent confronted him . But i havent..... Im hurt, self conscience, exhausted, emotional.... Advice

@Uptonogoodtoo I think that’s exactly what I’d do if I found my partner watching porn & it bothered me and I’d make no secret of it either... See how it made them feel.

I still havent confrounted.....

Your partner has a (natural) sex drive and clearly expends some of it on porn rather than getting wound up or nagging you or sleeping about. Sometimes you just have to turn the other way from the reality of what other people do when it's not hurting anything.

Sometimes you just have to turn the other way from the reality of what other people do when it's not hurting anything

Yes, because fisting videos aren't hurting anybody, I'm sure those women are loving it

I know some women are not upset by porn. And men don’t see an issue with it. But I always think, imagine if a man had ED or a small knob, or couldn’t last very long. And then they found out that there wife was watching men in porn that had huge knobs, could get and stay hard for ages etc. I’m sure if the husband knew he would feel pretty crap. And really it’s no different for women, particularly when they’re feeling vulnerable post birth etc.

How many times do I have to read this? Am I really the only man out there who has little to no interest in watching porn? I doubt it. I've had 2 girlfriends who have made it clear that they watch porn and expect me to watch it with them and be able to give them sex in a similar manner to what they see in porn. Others have had similar expectations although we never discussed where these expectations came from. And believe it or not I generally tend to get involved with rather traditional, conservative women.

I'm 48 years old and am healthy and fit for my age but even so being able to provide porn star style sex is not within my abilities. In fact being able to enjoy watching porn is not within my abilities - something that made my last gf furious. I'm sure I'm not the only man out there with these issues.

It is hurting op barbara so that's a pointless comment

OP - in some situations destroys relationships where men substitute wanking for real sex.
Your H doesn’t do that. He clearly is attracted to you and has not lost the ability to have sex in real life.
Hard as it is to feel attractive after just having a baby - you are. And he clearly thinks that.
Just because he looks at some women who are different from you - doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive. He married you, not someone with big boobs/bum.
Not sure how else to explain it it you - but for many people - men and women - porn is just a visual stimulant. Has nothing to do with the partner they are with. Not a reflection on the relationship whatsoever.

Another unhelpful post from @busybarbara

LinoVenture, you are not the only man uninterested in porn. There are many who wouldn't even think of it. Good for you - bad for you that you found girlfriends who did like it, I can't imagine how any woman would - a passing curiosity when young but no more.

Sabertooth you really must confront him, I know it won't be easy but can imagine how horrible it must make you feel.

Porn can easily become an addiction. Especially because young men (boys really) have such easy access to it. Your husband probably developed a compulsive habit prior to even meeting you. You can't expect your husband to give up a mind altering thing like pornography simply because of you. Pornography interferes with the dopamine signals in the brain and creates a feedback loop requiring ever greater levels of "stimulation". If you want him to quit you need to discuss it with him and actually research it a bit more. Porn should not be a normalised part of human society. But don't blame him (or yourself) - blame society.

I always thought I was fairly relaxed about porn until I found a bill for nearly £20k thag my husband had wanked away. I confronted him about it and he was angry that I'd opened his post (genuine accident, was in the same bank envelope my bank statements come in) then I discovered it was some really weird stuff he was into.

He tried desperately hard to stop it being the reason I used on my divorce but for the rest of history our divorce states that he was a wanker.

It's the lies, deceit and the fact that I didn't have a sex life because of it that were the problems, the odd porn video would have been fine.

Unfortunately there is no definite take on this. This comes up on MN quite often.

On one side you have porn haters who see it part of a wider misogynist movement and will tell you the majority of women are being exploited.

On the other side some will say they don't have a problem with it and view it themselves.

It's only something you yourself can decide unfortunately if it's a problem or not. If you've already asked him to stop, and he hasn't, then he's unlikely to in the future.

Then it comes down to a simple formula for you. Is revulsion of porn use > revulsion of a divorce?

I certainly wouldn't confuse porn use with lack of satisfaction with you or anything to do with your personal looks etc. Porn is simply his relief valve for when he is horny and you are not. He'll see it as a simple "sex snack". So if that is your main problem then I'm not sure it's worth being that upset about.

If on the other hand you hate porn and think it's a scourge of society it's unlikely that that will ever be resolved in your relationship.

Porn use contributed to my marriage breakdown. He went from late night use which I accepted to whenever he was alone for 5 minutes, with kids awake. It just turned my stomach he was obsessively focused on sex. He minimised it and tried to make out I was boring and he wasn't that bad but after a few weeks I listened to my gut. There were other things wrong with the relationship though, all related to sex

how you feel now is temporary and frumpy unattractive fazes away.
I would not compare there look to yours or how you feel, it is there job to look immaculate or would they be on a porn site, no.
Porn is his escape maybe he needs to haul his ass upstairs to help care for his baby instead of the time spent on watching porn, I'd be saying it from the top stair.
Or go feed on the couch beside him.

Hey OP. Have you had a chat with your DH about the issue?