Porn...

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So a few years ago i found porn on my husbands phone. I was hurt, my husband said if it hurt me then he wouldnt watch it again.
Fast foward 2 years. We have a baby. That dosent sleep. Turns out when ive been getting our baby to sleep hes been downsatirs watching porn.
I had my suspicions as i went to use the i internet on his phone the other day as mine was dead, the first page that loaded was the history clearing page.
So few days later uses his phone again and a shit load of porn loads straight up.
I feel so ugly fat and disgusting.
When i think back to a few weeks ago (b4 my discovery) i went down stairs after getting the little one to sleep and he was all over me like a rash we had sex he was so turned on... Now i realise he had been watching porn before hand....
My husband dosent know ive seen this.... I dont kniw why i havent confronted him . But i havent..... Im hurt, self conscience, exhausted, emotional.... Advice

You're not pathetic at all. It's so hard once you've had a baby. You feel gross and ugly and your body changes. My little girl is 8 months so I get it completely.

You're not pathetic, you were making an effort to make your husband happy because you care about him & about your relationship. But the fact that he's actually erasing his internet history speaks volumes. He's hiding it from you. Just explain to him how it makes you feel shitty about yourself, and how upset you are that not only is he WATCHING it again.. but that he's hiding it and somewhat blaming you for going back to it😞😞.

Your not pathetic at all. You’ve just had a baby, give yourself a break.
It seems you have a good relationship in all other ways, other than this porn thing. Sounds like it’s become a bit of a habit for him.... I hope your chat goes ok. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, he may be very embarrassed about it, if he loves you he will need to go porn free! Good luck x

In the absence of any other info about him, if this is the only issue it can be resolved if you want to.

Issue is, does he prefer porn to you? That is the key one. I'm just not sure he does tbh?

I use porn. No issue with it. DP uses porn. So what's our sex like? Incredible. My value as person is not wrapped up in what my partner thinks about me. I took me a VERY long time to get here plus nearly 8 stone lost in weight.

On weight. It's how it made me feel to lose it. I do not recommend losing weight for anyone but yourself.

You’re not pathetic. You have higher priorities right now than looking and feeling sexy for this manchild.

I wouldn’t play games. I’d just say you know he is looking at porn, it is disrespectful to you that he does this, and he should bloody well stop. Men don’t need this shit, they just pretend they do.

You have different priorities, his are unsavoury.

Only one opinion counts regarding porn, your own.

Your post breaks my heart a little bit. I cannot imagine how you must feel. Or actually I can a little bit as I was married to a porn addict who lied, concealed and was clearly somewhere else entirely when we did have sex. He also had death grip his addiction was so bad, but tried to sell this to me as a special talent of his to last longer to please me more (it was so boring and painful having to have hour long sex and he was completely unable to ejaculate vaginslly) lucky me! 😢.
My ex was an abuser also so I couldn’t even bring the issue up without facing terrible backlash and I left for a whole host of reasons but this was one of them. I of course don’t think your husband is like my ex but you definitely must not just talk to him but tell him very assertively what his behaviour (which I’m sure he think is his private little thing that hurts no one and all men do it etc) is doing to you, at a time you’re giving life to his female child.
There is no reason why any woman should have to accept porn use as an inevitability, and neither should you feel you have to dress up or otherwise adjust how you are to keep him off it and on you. I’ve been there and done that and it’s truly awful as they always go back to the porn.
There is something terribly wrong with masculinity right now in my opinion. I think being exposed to open access endless porn since puberty has changed something in them and it’s very hard to erase or adjust. I have no answers for you I’m afraid just sympathy. I chose to leave, but for a host of other reasons too, but I have to say that I couldn’t stomach another porn user in my life such was the pain it caused me. And because the sex was crap and I like and enjoy good sex. So maybe I’ll be alone and celibate for a long time but I’m ok with that. It’s indeed preferable to enduring the alternative: I really hope your decent sounding husband will listen and make some small changes. There are lots of great sensible books out there about the issue or addiction to porn maybe he can read one and get an objective view of the damage it causes so it becomes less about you and him? I also think the poster who wrote about reminding him that the actresses are also someone’s daughter; and how would he feel if someone objectified his daughter might be harsh but effective way of also making the dialogue more broad than just a you and him issue. I wish you so much happiness and being able to get back to enjoying the wonderful times with your baby.

@75Renarde "My value as person is not wrapped up in what my partner thinks about me." - love this🙏🏻

Haha! Do people still watch porn nowadays? Fucking sad.

Sorry I can't be of any help OP

Personally I don't have an issue with porn and wouldn't mind if my DP did watch it. However the issue here is the lying. You clearly don't like it and he should respect that or he should be upfront and honest with you and explain that this is something he wants to do.

I'd be quite concerned that he's looking at it every day, that sounds like an addiction to me.

I don't think you're pathetic at all. You love your DP and want to please him but equally he should be trying to please you. Especially at this moment in time when you're caring so much for a young baby.

Haha! Do people still watch porn nowadays? Fucking sad.

Considering that the porn industry is worth an estimated $97 billion globally, do you really have to ask?

I just don't understand the appeal to porn, sorry

Be careful. EXp had an unbeknownst to me porn addiction which escalated to indecent images. Nip this porn habit in the bud now! The consequences are devastating.

The OP cant nip it in the bud. She's not responsible for it.

I think you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a much bigger problem. I didn't used to have a problem with porn but I do now. As online porn moved from stills to videos my DH watched it more and more. I didn't associate it at the time, but we had sex less and less because he couldn't get an erection. I put this down to age and left him alone. This was nearly 10 years ago. We're in our late 50s now. I missed it (along with the intimacy that also vanished) enormously.

Last year, triggered by other DH behaviour, I insisted we talk about it. Intimacy is better, but still no piv. I then learned about porn induced erectile disfunction. Whilst there are detractors it seems spot on to me. I think research is at an early stage because this is a new phenomenon.

He is far from convinced, but has seen the doctor (all fine) and is waiting to see a urologist.

Meanwhile he continued to look at it regularly despite promising not to, and then lied about it. He doesn't realise I can see what he's looked at (just straight stuff, nothing remotely extreme). So I took control of the internet account and put parental controls on.

He was very cross but accepted it. Amazingly he's not worked out that he could look at it on his phone on 4G and only ever used the the home computer. And neither does he know about incognito browsing! He's been looking at photos of women in their underwear, so I know he'd be straight back on if I lifted the controls. Sigh...

So in a nutshell, porn has stolen 10 years of my sex life and I hate it.

Personally I wouldn't mind the occasional porn watching. I would mind him doing it every bloody night while you're stuck upstairs, surely there is something he could be doing to help out instead. And I would mind very much if he wasn't just using it as a quick way to wank, but instead was using it to get turned on and then finishing off on you. It crosses the line for me into directly affecting your sex life rather than being something he does himself. I would worry it meant he couldn't get turned on by me / didnt want to be turned on by me and was just using my body with the images in his head. In not saying this is what is happening just how I would feel if that was my partner. It's like men who go to strip clubs and get turned on and frustrated by the no touching rule and then go back and have sex with their partner. Very disrespectful in my opinion.

Its really hard when you've got a young baby and your breastfeeding anyway - it feels like your body isn't your own and its frustrating when your partners life seems to carry on as normal while you are effectively tied to the baby. I used to get the rage when my partner had a night out, which was unreasonable of me, but a manifestation of how frustrated I felt about not being able to (mine were bottle refusers). So I'd also try and unpick if there is any element of this in how you feel, of how it feels unfair that he is downstairs watching anything while you're stuck in a dark silent room cluster feeding

Im emotionally utterly exhausted today.

The OP cant nip it in the bud. She's not responsible for it.

I know she is not - I'm saying she needs to not let him fob her off/ensure he seeks help before it gets really out of hand.

Now i feel to exhausted to even bring it up.... I know i must though

If you don't bring it up today you'll just feel the same tomorrow.
It's shit but by 10pm you may well feel 100x better.

Yes, you have to for your own sanity xx

I know some women are not upset by porn. And men don’t see an issue with it. But I always think, imagine if a man had ED or a small knob, or couldn’t last very long. And then they found out that there wife was watching men in porn that had huge knobs, could get and stay hard for ages etc. I’m sure if the husband knew he would feel pretty crap. And really it’s no different for women, particularly when they’re feeling vulnerable post birth etc.

Oh theres no rush. Bring it up when you feel ready.

Maybe you could consider relationship counselling to help have a productive conversation.

I wouldn't mind my partner watching porn but it would definitely annoy me if he's downstairs doing that whilst I'm dealing with the baby! That is bang out of order.

Its best to sort it out than feeling this way..
I also have not long had a baby & breastfeeding its hard work..id be upset too we have only just started having sex again so i would be feeling the way u are.
It is best to be open and talk about it ,its hard but i think it will make u feel better.x