Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another cheating husband post :(

59 replies

Sadsasha · 16/01/2020 11:24

Found out husband was cheating 5 years ago with a married woman 15 years younger.

It ended when I found out but I never told her husband. He promised to change etc etc but the affair continued on and off for the next few years. I carried on forgiving him mostly because he begged and begged to stay and kept promising he loved me and our kids.

He left for the other woman 6mo ago and she divorced her husband but I convinced him to come back for me and the kids.

He did come back but since the drama of him walking out our youngest child who is 8 developed serious mental health issues and behavioural problems.

I am convinced he is still in touch with the other woman but I know he isn’t seeing her bc I have started working from home so I know where he is.

The problem is he is not affectionate with me ever. We don’t have sex, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t look at me and I feel like even though he says he loves me and the kids he just doesn’t want me.

I love him so much and I don’t want him to go but what I can I do to make him want me again?

Thanks x x x

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 16/01/2020 11:30

He's already checked out of your marriage. Sorry.

ChasingRainbows19 · 16/01/2020 11:30

You need to get rid of him his behaviour is damaging you and now your children. He doesn't want you. You are guilt tripping him to coming back. You need to get tough and get strong and figure out how to start again.
Sorry it's blunt but wake up!!

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2020 11:33

Your marriage is over. For the sake of your daughter's mental health, you need to accept and deal with this.

Menora · 16/01/2020 11:34

Convincing him to come back is now doing more harm than good

I think it is over and you need to focus on an amicable ending

Wolfiefan · 16/01/2020 11:37

You can’t make him do anything.
You don’t trust him.
What’s in this for you?

inwood · 16/01/2020 11:37

Sorry but you need to move on, he clearly has.

alwaysmovingforwards · 16/01/2020 11:37

Yeah sorry to say it, but sounds like he's staying against his will. No good will come from that.

You need to focus on going your own ways and co-parenting the children. Or live in a toxic marriage that will end anyway as soon as the kids get more independent.

onanothertrain · 16/01/2020 11:37

He's checked out, he left and you convinced him to come back when he clearly didn't want to. Is it really worth all this - your DC mental health is suffering, you're not happy, he's not happy. What's the point?

CakeandCustard28 · 16/01/2020 11:38

You need to accept it’s over. Not for your sake, not for his sake but for your child’s sake before you cause anymore damage.

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 11:38

Raise your bar op.
Urgh.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 16/01/2020 11:39

Oh for Christ's sake, there's forgiveness and then there's what you've done.

Fool me once, shame on him, fool me twice, three times, 17X, then you are the fool.

This is not good for you, for him, for your children, or for the other woman. Nobody.

Try being good to yourself and the children by letting him go.

And unless he is also working from home, no, you don't know where he is.

You cannot make someone want you again.

"I Can't Make You Love Me if You Don't". Bonnie Raitt

Oh, and Flowers

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/01/2020 11:40

I know he isn’t seeing her bc I have started working from home so I know where he is this seriously isnt health OP. Im sorry but for the sake of yourself and your children, let him go. No one sounds happy in this scenario- he can still be a father and support his children, but this marriage sounds over, Im sorry.

Greenkit · 16/01/2020 11:41

He doesn't love you
He is only staying because of the children
He wont change
He wants her
He is probably still seeing her

FFS let him go and move on, you might find your happier without him

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 11:44

He's staying because life's easier with you basically acting like his mother and paying half the bills.

He'll cheat again.

Happygirl79 · 16/01/2020 11:46

You need to realise that you can't make someone love you
He clearly doesn't
You need to respect yourself again and let him go

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/01/2020 11:53

He may say that he loves you, but words are cheap. He's not showing that he loves you. He's not showing any remorse. He's only with you because of guilt - is that the relationship you want for yourself?

Let him go. If he goes to her, sobeit.

And you can't know he's not still cheating, unless you follow him every minute of the day - does he not go to work? Outside into the garden? Into the bathroom on his own? He'll be talking to her even if he's not meeting her. It's no life for you, OP, or your children.

Split up kindly, it will be best for the kids in the end.

sarahjconnor · 16/01/2020 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 16/01/2020 12:15

You're being used by a loser.

carly2803 · 16/01/2020 12:16

let him go. hes checked out

raise your bar also, this isnt ok to live like that.

dont do the pick me dance, its pityful

zasknbg · 16/01/2020 12:21

I do feel that it is rather offensive to say the pick me dance is pitiful. A woman is just trying to keep her family from being smashed apart. It’s pitiful on the part of the mistress but not on the part of the wife when there are children involved. Her dc’s issues are not magically going to be resolved when that dc starts living between 2 homes. People make splitting up sound so simple and easy! My friend split up with her h when her dd was 2. Well now her dd is 14 and they are still scrapping big time through the courts.

puds11 · 16/01/2020 12:27

Never fight for a man. If you have to fight for him, he’s already gone.

BobbyBlueCat · 16/01/2020 12:33

Your child doesn't have 'severe mental health' problems because he had an affair. An affair is hard on children, but it doesn't fuck them up for life if the fallout is handled well by both parties.

They have those problems because of the drama that has been caused by him coming and going and your desperation.

Get rid and both work together at repairing the damage you BOTH have done to the child.

user1471449295 · 16/01/2020 12:43

I know he is in the wrong for having an affair. But, he has made it so so clear he wants to be with her. You got him to come back when clearly they had decided to make a go of things, by whatever means you chose to use.
He doesn’t want you. He wants OW. You are also to blame for your DC mental health. You should be protecting them from toxic situations.
Basically, you want him, have to have him and fuck what it does to everyone else.

I would bet my last penny he is still seeing her. They can’t leave each other alone. You just won’t catch them easily as they have learnt to be careful.

Get some self respect, know that you can do this without him, and protect your children from this bollocks

KatherineJaneway · 16/01/2020 12:49

what I can I do to make him want me again?

Sorry, you can't Flowers

He clearly checked out of the relationship a few years ago.

Jellybeansincognito · 16/01/2020 12:55

You’ll absolutely cringe looking back at what you’ve written in your OP in the future.

He is disgusting.
Get rid of him, your child needs you.