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Original poster

Another cheating husband post :(

59 replies

Sadsasha · 16/01/2020 11:24

Found out husband was cheating 5 years ago with a married woman 15 years younger.

It ended when I found out but I never told her husband. He promised to change etc etc but the affair continued on and off for the next few years. I carried on forgiving him mostly because he begged and begged to stay and kept promising he loved me and our kids.

He left for the other woman 6mo ago and she divorced her husband but I convinced him to come back for me and the kids.

He did come back but since the drama of him walking out our youngest child who is 8 developed serious mental health issues and behavioural problems.

I am convinced he is still in touch with the other woman but I know he isn’t seeing her bc I have started working from home so I know where he is.

The problem is he is not affectionate with me ever. We don’t have sex, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t look at me and I feel like even though he says he loves me and the kids he just doesn’t want me.

I love him so much and I don’t want him to go but what I can I do to make him want me again?

Thanks x x x

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 16/01/2020 12:59

‘ I love him so much and I don’t want him to go but what I can I do to make him want me again?’

^ to make someone want us, we have to love ourselves first.

He’s with you out of pity, not love.
It’s not healthy for anyone and your poor 8 year old is stuck in the middle of this because you are both behaving disgracefully.

Him for cheating and ultimately you for allowing him to wipe his feet on you on the way out and begging him to come home which has most definitely caused more distress and confusion to your child who is struggling with all of this.

Please seek counselling, or something to get you both through this.

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2020 13:03

He's only there for the children, I'm assuming because of the impact on the youngest, or fo whatever reason he feels it's better for them he is also there at the moment.

He will stay for as long as he feels he is needed for the children and then he will end it.

I'm sorry.

Junie70 · 16/01/2020 13:05

Why are you letting this man treat you like this?

He doesn't love you, from the sound of it he despises you.

You're worth better.

damnthatanxiety · 16/01/2020 13:13

You deserve more than this man is giving you. Even without the history of cheating and lying, a marriage with zero affection is not a marriage worth staying in. Add in his behaviour and you really are settling for a really rubbish marriage. You don't love him. You can't. You love the concept of marriage and you love what you thought you had. But you didn't have it. Your DH has CHEATED and LIED for what sounds like a whole chunk of your marriage. Please. Seek therapy. Chuck him out. Teach your DC that life is not all about having a partner at any cost. Respect yourself more.

Scapegoatforlife · 16/01/2020 13:36

He doesn't love you.

You really need a head wobble and to protect your children from from all this.

Weepingwillow123 · 16/01/2020 13:41

It sounds like he is staying for the sake of the children - while doing you and now your 8 year old a whole lot of harm .

It might all seem impossible and too hard but you would be better to move on now than when the children are older . You only get one life and you deserve better than a husband like this

NomDeQwerty · 16/01/2020 13:46

I know it hurts but it won't ever get better and it's damaging your children.
Please try to value yourself more.
And the ChumpLady book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life is brilliant. Get it on Audible and play it through an earphone on a loop. It'll be so good for you. Really.Flowers

VelvetKitty · 16/01/2020 13:54

Your poor children. Get rid and put them first FFS. He has checked out. He doesn't want you. He will definitely still be seeing her, he has made it blatantly clear he wants her. You're both being incredibly selfish and are now damaging your children.

Originalusernameunavailable · 16/01/2020 13:57

You need to rip off the plaster or you’ll be mugging yourself off for the rest of your life.

Bigmango · 16/01/2020 14:53

I suggest reading the cheating husband thread to see how differently you could be dealing with this. I’m not sure if his behaviour has broken you, but your attitude is a bit bonkers. He obviously is in love with the other woman and wants to be with her. So let him. Move on and give yourself a chance of finding someone who actually loves you back.

kevintheorangecarrot · 16/01/2020 15:09

What a mess. Sorry but you really need to let go. He left because he doesn't love you anymore and you are doing yourself no favours by forcing him to go back to you. I know it hurts but in the long run, you will feel much better for letting go.

Original poster
Sadsasha · 16/01/2020 16:24

I am not forcing him to stay and I have given him many chances to walk away but he always begs to stay and says he loves me and the kids. I know he does as well.

But he isn’t affectionate or sexual with me anymore and I feel as if I could make him attracted to me again then everything would be like it was before.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/01/2020 16:44

But you can’t.

user7522689 · 16/01/2020 16:48

You can't.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/01/2020 16:48

But he's saying one thing and doing another. Telling you he loves you, but...what is he doing to prove that? He doesn't hug you, there's no sex...I'm sorry. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear to keep his life running smoothly. He's not showing he loves you at all, is he?

Menora · 16/01/2020 16:51

Is this in any way financially motivated to stay together by either of you? More so him?

Jellybeansincognito · 16/01/2020 17:03

Of course nothing will ever be the same.
Please wake up OP. Look at your child ffs.
That should be enough to tell you to stop this.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2020 17:05

You can't make someone be attracted to you. It's impossible. You marriage is over. Move on.

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2020 20:51

Op, I don't know how to say it, but once someone gets the ick it's game over there is no way back.

There is a reason he wants to stay, be it he is concerned for the children's welfare, finances, something, but he's not going to fall back in love or be attracted again, he's been in a relationship for years with another woman whom he loves.

I think uou know deep down what the real reason is he's back. And you know it's not because he's in love with you.

I also notice when you say you, you always mention the kids, like you're one entity. Of course he loves his children. But romantic love between two partners is a very different thing, that's conditional and that can die.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2020 20:58

Both you and your sexually incontinent husband are damaging your children

What the fuck is wrong with you. He is led by his dick and his contempt for women. You ? I cannot comprehend your willingness to let him walk all over you.

CakeandCustard28 · 16/01/2020 21:03

So you’ve admitted both your actions are effecting your child’s mental health yet you’re still making pathetic excuses? He doesn’t love you OP. He’s with you for the children’s sake, if he loved you it wouldn’t matter what you looked like. It’s the oldest excuse in the book!

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/01/2020 21:07

I feel as if I could make him attracted to me again then everything would be like it was before

By "before" you mean you can be willfully blind whilst he sleeps with other women?

I really don't see what there is to salvage here; your husband is a cheat and a liar.

Surely you want better for yourself?

popof3 · 27/01/2020 20:26

I never acted out and cheated on my ex. So I feel sorry for you. We lost most of our intimacy, partly because I rarely initiated it or he was tired or the effects on medications he was on short and long term kept him sexually diminished and I wasn’t receptive to that reality. I am so sorry to learn about your situation. I do still love him and I know he loves me, just not likes me. He can be short-tempered, gets involved with extra things, pretty good to the triplets, but they know and learned (some from me) how to press the anger button. I’ve tried to date, but some of my smugness and boasting comes out and I get brushed off. The one benefit is that, for a short while, we wanted to undo the divorce, but too late. I hope others will learn from this and undo it so they don’t feel and know that they may grow older and lonely and sad.

Livelovebehappy · 27/01/2020 20:38

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated op, and you’re letting him treat you badly. You’re worth so much more than the life he is offering you. Walk away and don’t look back.

cakecakecheese · 27/01/2020 21:36

He's in love with someone else and him leaving and coming back then leaving again is far more damaging to children then a carefully managed split would be.