Another cheating husband post :(

[Sadsasha]

Found out husband was cheating 5 years ago with a married woman 15 years younger.

It ended when I found out but I never told her husband. He promised to change etc etc but the affair continued on and off for the next few years. I carried on forgiving him mostly because he begged and begged to stay and kept promising he loved me and our kids.

He left for the other woman 6mo ago and she divorced her husband but I convinced him to come back for me and the kids.

He did come back but since the drama of him walking out our youngest child who is 8 developed serious mental health issues and behavioural problems.

I am convinced he is still in touch with the other woman but I know he isn’t seeing her bc I have started working from home so I know where he is.

The problem is he is not affectionate with me ever. We don’t have sex, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t look at me and I feel like even though he says he loves me and the kids he just doesn’t want me.

I love him so much and I don’t want him to go but what I can I do to make him want me again?

Thanks x x x

I feel.so sad for you and you are getting some tough love on here..
This has been going on for so long it has become 'normal'
But it really isnt. I know the leaving and coming back creates a drama and an illusion of love. But if he truly loved you he would leave, be a good parent, pay maintenance and share of child care and give the the decency to move on.
But you going along for the ride so as not to have it SO FINAL.
But it is over and I think you need to pick yourself up make plans and realise someone who truly loves and respects you would never cause you this much pain.
Grieve, get angry, and accept that everyone in this situation deserves some peace and normality.
Get off this crazy merry go round before you are a burnt out shell of a woman.
You will get over him but you need to admit in your heart its gone, over, finished so final zombie marriage 💐

What you need to do is detox him out of your life.
You are codependent and need to work on your self esteem.
Your DD has MH problems and this affair will have impacted her in many ways.

Here are 3 pieces of relationship advice that help me and hopefully it will help you too:

1. You can not force someone to love you.
2. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
3. The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Get your ducks in a row. Tell him to leave.

Watch YouTube videos by:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Derick Jaxn

Look at Chumplady website.

Take the lying , cheating, deceiving prick off the pedestal and put yourself up there instead.
Believe in yourself, become a strong role model for your DC .

You said he begged to stay
You said you convinced him to come back

Which is it?

He doesn’t love you, he feels guilty. He doesn’t find you attractive, it’s the other woman he fancies.

Nothing could be clearer, you’re flogging a dead horse.

You really need to give up. I bet your friends & family are very frustrated with you. For the sake of the kids, if not yourself, accept the truth and tell him to go, wherever, to her or not to her... but it will be to her and you will know you did the right thing.

It sounds like his mind is elsewhere. I'm so sorry! I think you need to think about what's best for your mental health. You will just drive yourself crazy if the situation continues and you deserve better.

He doesn't want to be with you. Why are you holding on for dear life when it's clear the marriage is over? Accept it's done and move on with your life.

if I could make him attracted to me again then everything would be like it was before.

You don't have to do anything OP. He's an absolute scumbag. You are worth so much more than he treats you. There's better out there than him I promise!

OP, reading this makes me so sad. He is showing you his feelings and you can’t make him feel any differently.

If your daughter is in this situation in 20/30 years what would you hope she would do? What would you wish her the strength to do?

Make no mistake that your children are learning their relationships from you and your dh. They deserve better. YOU deserve better.

Can you articulate why you are so desperate for him to stay?

"Op, I don't know how to say it, but once someone gets the ick it's game over there is no way back."

This

I lived it, it is very humiliating, don't do this to yourself OP

Sorry OP but you are co-dependent and your boundaries and self worth are non-existent. Clearly you need to leave. This is unhealthy for your DC to have as a role model. You need to access therapy for yourself to understand why you have been so willing to be tolerating - indeed welcoming- this bullshit behaviour. It's not your fault that's how you have been conditioned, (possibly through dysfunctional upbringing?) but it IS your responsibility to change and get better for your future and your DC.