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Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to commute 40minutes

54 replies

melj22 · 16/01/2020 06:44

So... DH has great job that we relocated for 6months ago, I didn't want to relocate to this place but did as was great job for DH and he is the sole income earner, now 6 months later I am still hating it, would love to live in another town 40minutes away, he could keep the job but would have to commute... I would be much happier sending our oldest to school in this other town, so much more in the other place for me and two little ones than where we are now... I want to get settled somewhere permanently before oldest starts school but I just really don't want it to be where we are now! Also we can't afford to build where we are but could easily in the other place. Help!

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 16/01/2020 06:46

What did your DH say about this? Surely you have told him how you feel?

slipperywhensparticus · 16/01/2020 06:47

I did a 40 minute commute it's nothing really

eeyore228 · 16/01/2020 06:47

You need to talk to him. Is it 40 mins each way? Even if he doesn’t hit traffic etc you are asking him to add 1hr 20 onto each day minimum. I’d have a discussion and tell him how you are feeling. He may be prepared to consider this but he may equally not want to travel an extra 6 odd hrs a week.

Original poster
melj22 · 16/01/2020 06:56

He is currently commuting 20min (40min total) it adds another 40min per day, before I had baby I was commuting over an hour both ways so we could live together and he didn't have to travel

OP posts:
Plumbus · 16/01/2020 06:57

You need to talk to him. Is it 40 mins each way? Even if he doesn’t hit traffic etc you are asking him to add 1hr 20 onto each day minimum. I’d have a discussion and tell him how you are feeling. He may be prepared to consider this but he may equally not want to travel an extra 6 odd hrs a week.

Agreed.

Original poster
melj22 · 16/01/2020 06:58

He has said it could be an option but that he would rather move right into city of this place that I hate and cut the 20min down to 10min

OP posts:
Original poster
melj22 · 16/01/2020 06:59

And to compromise he would be able to cut back to 4 days a week so travel all up each week probably works out the same except in New Town he would get more time with kids, I am going to do some work from home while taking care of the kids to make up the other days income

OP posts:
flamingo40 · 16/01/2020 06:59

I commute 40 mins it's nothing

Yeahnah2020 · 16/01/2020 07:10

So he was happy for you to commute an hour each way, (because it suited him), but he’s unwilling to commute 40 minutes each way. Wow it sounds like a really great, equal partnership 🙁 Just move. He can follow, or not.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2020 07:13

A 40min commute has got to be an average time for people to commute. It's not a long time.

BendingSpoons · 16/01/2020 07:24

He is BU. Nobody likes commuting but when you have a family you have to look at the bigger picture. We moved so DHs commute went from 30min walk to a longish train commute as it was right for the family. My commute stayed about the same.

However, is there a clear benefit to moving. Will it actually be better for your children?

Also what is your DH doing in those extra 20mins and what is worst case scenario? More walking = exercise, a longer train with a seat = time to read, changing trains at busy stations, driving busy routes etc are more tiring. That's not to say it shouldn't be done. He does sound a bit fixated on no commute which is not very fair when you have all had to relocate for him.

hazelnutlatte · 16/01/2020 07:30

Would the commute be an hour each way in your preferred location then? And is that with traffic? Because in rush hour an hour's journey can easily take two hours.
I spent 3 years doing a commute that was supposedly an hour but was often closer to two hours, it was totally unsustainable and that was only doing it 3 days per week!
Is there a compromise location? Somewhere with more for you and the kids but a reasonable commute? I think a 40 min drive each way sounds fine but more than that would be too much

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/01/2020 07:33

How many miles is it? I commute 11 miles which is 25 minutes without traffic but 90 minutes in rush hour.

Grumbley · 16/01/2020 07:35

If my partner was at home with the children and expected me to move with a longer commute to work that would be a no from me, mainly as roadworks, accidents, general traffic turn 40 minutes into much longer regaularly.

Original poster
melj22 · 16/01/2020 07:35

We are in New Zealand so commute is on a main road between two cities, no traffic, on a good day it be less than 40minites

OP posts:
Original poster
melj22 · 16/01/2020 07:36

There is definitely better preschools and schools in the new place rather than where we are

OP posts:
TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 16/01/2020 07:38

Is that a door to door time?

When I was sahm DP and I lived walking distance from his job (in a flat) for 8 years after which we “negotiated” that the kids and I would really benefit from living in a house in a village with a local school, so then we moved. He had to commute an hour 10 mins, which proved to be too much and after 4 years he changed jobs. By that time I was also working again, so less pressure on him to stick with his better paid job.

Can you get him excited about your plans, and negotiate on this?

Raindancer411 · 16/01/2020 07:41

My husband has to commute by car 1hr 50 mins each way but as his job is good, he suffers it. It all depends on the job but you both need to sit and discuss it and keep it fair too.

HeronLanyon · 16/01/2020 07:44

40 mins is minor ! Good luck op - sounds sensible and you and your dh need to talk it through.

inwood · 16/01/2020 08:00

40 mins is not a big commute.

Lweji · 16/01/2020 08:05

I wouldn't want to drive 40 min each way every day, no. Unless living there was hugely beneficial.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 08:09

Does he not realise that a compromise works both ways?
He wanted to move, it hasn't worked for you. You're willing to stay local enough for him to commute and he still won't make that change for you. Why's it all about what works for him?

Clymene · 16/01/2020 08:11

40 minutes is nothing.

Clymene · 16/01/2020 08:13

How is commuting an extra 20 minutes adding 'another 1 hour 20 minutes minimum' onto his working day? Confused

MyuMe · 16/01/2020 08:14

I commute 90 mins each way. 3 hours a day.

Welcome to London Grin

40 mins is nothing