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Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to commute 40minutes

54 replies

melj22 · 16/01/2020 06:44

So... DH has great job that we relocated for 6months ago, I didn't want to relocate to this place but did as was great job for DH and he is the sole income earner, now 6 months later I am still hating it, would love to live in another town 40minutes away, he could keep the job but would have to commute... I would be much happier sending our oldest to school in this other town, so much more in the other place for me and two little ones than where we are now... I want to get settled somewhere permanently before oldest starts school but I just really don't want it to be where we are now! Also we can't afford to build where we are but could easily in the other place. Help!

OP posts:

BatshitCrazyWoman · 16/01/2020 08:15

I always find it odd on MN that people think 40 minutes to an hour commuting time is too long. I live and work it London and it's an hour door-to-door - that's pretty normal. I don't think you're being unreasonable - where you live has to work for the whole family, schools etc.

Bluerussian · 16/01/2020 08:16

I always commuted for over an hour to get to work, same coming home.

40 minutes is nothing, really.

WineAt4pm · 16/01/2020 08:17

40m is nothing!!

msmith501 · 16/01/2020 08:19

I used to commute nearly two hours each way. The extra 20 mins each way you are talking about will hardly be noticed. Stick the car radio on and the time flies by. Lots of people commute across the country each day and it's just how it is.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/01/2020 08:19

You've only just moved to this town, how do you know that you will like New Town more than here? That's what would worry me if my DH proposed this. Moving is expensive, can you afford to do this?

Divebar · 16/01/2020 08:28

I don’t know whether you should move but a 40 min commute really is nothing. A lot of people in London are commuting for a lot longer than that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 08:34

@Clymene because the commuter who said that said it before OP clarified that it was an extra 40 minutes total, not 40 minutes each way?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 08:34

Poster not commuter ffs 😂

Chasingsquirrels · 16/01/2020 08:34

I wouldn't want to double my commuting time and I wouldn't want to commute 40 mins each way.
Equally I wouldn't want my partner to be unhappy.
I think you both need to communicate more about this and potential solutions.

For reference over the years I've had a 25 min walk or 10 min drive with parking etc, 5 min drive, 25-40 min drive, 12 min drive and now 25-40 min drive.
My 25-40 min drive is min 25, usual 30-35 and currently (winter, worse traffic) 40 mins. On a particularly bad day it can take an hour plus.
I dislike the travel aspects, but like where I live and my job - and any other job in my field would be much the same, so although I don't like it I live with it.

I don't think you can say "40 mins is nothing" or "40 mins is too long". It depends on each individual and their circumstances and it's pretty close minded to not realise that these are different for everyone.

Treacletoots · 16/01/2020 08:35

You've given up your job, moved towns, take full time care of DC and he's not willing to move a measly 40 minutes from work.

I'd suggest a role swap. You work, you commute and he looks after DC. I'm sure he'll be happy to discuss...

I do 50-60 mins commute. Good days its 40. Its really not an issue.

TheVanguardSix · 16/01/2020 08:41

You're really unhappy in the town you're in. If this isn't reason enough to move, what is? The additional commute is reasonable. I don't think you're asking too much at all, OP. It's very depressing when you hate where you live. It grinds you down over time.

altiara · 16/01/2020 08:53

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to move to a better place to bring up the kids and cheaper. Also not an unreasonable commute either.
He didn’t mind when you had an hours commute so seems he’s only worried about himself.

Clymene · 16/01/2020 08:56

Oh yes, good point @GiveHerHellFromUs

Anything less than an hour is a boon. The U.K. government considers a commute of up to 90 minutes reasonable!

thedancingbear · 16/01/2020 09:04

40 mins is probably about average for London but for the rest of the UK (and I imagine much of the rest of the developed world) 40 mins is a long way. It's also 40 mins driving rather than walking or reading a book.

If a woman came on here and said that her feller was forcing her to spend an extra 3/4 hour a day away from her kids so they could live in his preferred location, there would be hell to pay.

BiarritzCrackers · 16/01/2020 09:05

DH needs to make the sacrifice of extra commuting time - you relocated to facilitate him having his great job, and he has to give a bit too. It is a small ask for everyone's long term future, if the schools are better, and if it would significantly increase your day to day happiness. There needs to be compromise and balance - an extra two hours in the car each week for him, against 16 waking hours a day of you being stuck in a town that makes you unhappy.

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 16/01/2020 09:07

I was going to say YANBU - a 40min commute is pretty average - BUT if you are currently at home, YABU. Move once you are back at work and you guys can find a place that works for both of you being back at work.

Clymene · 16/01/2020 09:16

She's raising three children which I assume are both of theirs @AmyFarrahFowlersTiara. Does that mean her opinion is irrelevant?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/01/2020 09:23

You've completely relocated for him....and prior to that you were commuting an hour each way so that he didn't have to. The trouble is OP you have enabled him, he sees it as perfectly normal that you make sacrifices so that he can have an easier life. 40 minutes is nothing, and if he can't do that after you have given up lots for him, then it's not an equal partnership. But then, he doesnt see you as equal does he, more like wifey at home looking after his kids. Put your foot down OP, get your relationship back to an even footing.

mrsm43s · 16/01/2020 09:24

A 40 minute commute is not unreasonable.

However, if I was him I would be worried about keep moving around on a whim. The only concrete thing you've said so far is "the schools are better", which whilst a lovely thing to have is not really a guarantee that you will be happy or settled if you move there. What if you want to move again in another 6 months, and again 6 months after that...

I think if I was your DH, I'd need more to convince me. Maybe spend some time researching the new area a bit more, go on plenty of visits, maybe use the kids facilities (soft play, leisure centres etc) and sign up for some classes in that area and try to build up a social network - after all if its not too far for your husband to drive to daily, its really not too far for you to drive to daily for activities. I think if you could show your DH that you are "settled" there, it would be easier to see the value in moving.

As an aside, 6 months is really no time at all to settle into a new area and build friendship groups etc. Is it not worth giving it a bit longer?

RiftGibbon · 16/01/2020 09:24

Is there nowhere halfway between where you live now, and where you would like to live? Realise that with the geography of NZ there may be nothing between towns.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/01/2020 10:04

I commute - 30 mins on a good day (schools holidays when the roads are quieter and not during rush hour) and an hour on a not so good day. I've been doing it for 14 years and it hasn't killed me. My exh also used to have a similar commute in the other direction at the same time. Perfectly normal i think.

Puddlepop · 16/01/2020 10:08

Sounds good. I’d choose the commuting from new town with better schools and potential for larger home, and probably a much happier wife. All round winner. Podcast in the car, or Harry Potter audio books in case he hasn’t read them yet, so he can keep up with the kids. Lots of things to pass the time.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 16/01/2020 10:09

We are in New Zealand so commute is on a main road between two cities, no traffic, on a good day it be less than 40minites

I was going to ask what kind of commute. This sounds easy as pie and he needs to grow up.

If it was a hellish, bumper to bumper, barely getting out of second gear angry commute, I'd have second thoughts, but I do the first type and I barely notice it. I get on the motorway and don't slow down till I leave it again. I have audiobooks on the go and knock off a bunch of chapters each way, it's a very pleasant way to drive.

Sunflowersok · 16/01/2020 10:15

My commute is 45 mins each way but that’s minimum with no cars on the road.rush hour it’s 1.5 hours each way. It’s manageable. My partners is a bit further out but he sets off to work earlier and misses the rush so it’s similar for him. I’d love a 40 minute average commute!

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 16/01/2020 10:32

@Clymene Pretty sure she does not have to commute to raise them, though. OP just has a gut feeling and some school reports to go on, which could easily change by the time all her kids have started school. Sorry but that would not be enough reason for me to pack up my things and move again. If she had a longer commute than he does - or vice versa - and they want to move somewhere in the middle, fair enough. With the information there, I would stay a couple of years and move if and when their circumstances change to accommodate those changes.

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