Massively awkward situation with new man...what would you do?

[User17303]

I’ll keep it short. Met a great man (after dating many!). We talk most days but have only met a few times. Next one arranged.

I suspected after date two that I had actually been on a date with his best friend from childhood. On date three this was confirmed (I did some online digging).

It’s awkward because they live a LONG way from each other...and although I travel for work, I am worried it looks very slutty or something else to have happened to have dated his best friend! I only met his friend once, nothing happened, not even a kiss, although we spoke on the phone over a 3 months and did aim to meet up again but distance made it difficult. I hadn’t heard from him in 6 months by the time I met this guy.

I don’t know what to do! Should I mention it?!

Please don't say slutty
If your new man has dated other women, does that make him promiscuous?

Either bring it up, or don't. But please don't raise it as being a negative part of your character!

I would definitely mention it and have a laugh about "what a small world" etc. You've no reason not to tell him, as it's his best mate, who you might come face-to-face with at some point. Whether you slept with him or not is not his place to judge btw.

Confused what them living a long way from each other and you travelling for work has to do with your fear of appearing slutty?

So you met his best friend precisely once, chatted for a bit and it didn’t go anywhere and you never saw or heard from him again, then six months later you meet this guy, and you think this makes you look like a ‘slut’? God, OP, you have some serious internalised misogyny.

It’s neither ‘slutty’ nor ‘massively awkward’. I think I’d characterise it as ‘mild coincidence’.

You're fine, don't over think it. Honestly, just relax and have a good time. I am worried about this slutty idea you have going on though, that disturbs me. Do what you want, fuck who you want, makes no difference.

Wot Framing said.

How did you figure out they know each other?

I don’t see it as a big deal!

'slutty' 😱

This is nothing. Unless you tracked down your new guy to stay connected to the old one. Now that would be alarming.

I have a kind of opposite experience. I was chatting online to a few men through OLD. Agreed to go on a coffee date with one, but still chatting to others as early days. Went on date and he started talking about his friend - they had been talking about OLD and worked out they were both talking to me. I didn't think much of it as no commitments to either, but my date said dead seriously, "well you chose me so it's ok, but he better be the only one".

I was stunned and said I have no commitments to you unless we both decide we are exclusive. He tried to back track, but I walked away.

OP tell him you dated someone he knows as have realised this, but just for his information. If he acts like you're wrong for dating previously dump him, because you have done nothing wrong.

In our mid twenties my DH went out with my best friend for about six months. They liked each other a lot, but being quite similar people (both liking their own way) it was never going to last. About a year later I started seeing DH.

That was 30 years ago. It’s never bothered any of us, though our kids find it quite amusing.

I think he may think I’ve dated hard, many many many miles apart so, what's wrong with that?
He might also feel like second best? well unless you sit there comparing him unfavourably, why would he? Bestie is a guy you went on one date with, he's tbe guy you're in a relationship with
I wouldn’t be overjoyed if he had dated my childhood friend you didn't date him, you went on a date with him, and even if you did, so what? You think he thinks you're a virgin awaiting his worthy manhood?

Grow up!!

What? It's slutty that you once had a date with someone ???? Well, of course, you should be delivered to any new man in a sterile wrapping (a chastity belt?) marked 'untouched by human hands'.
Or just say, hey, I've just worked that I once dated your mate - small world!

just say it. When I was in college i dated a guy and used to be fascinated that nearly everyone in his friendship group had dated everyone else at some point - they hung out with each other a lot (none of them ended up married mind you). I had dated a good friend of his the year before. It is nothing.

My best friend is married to a guy who dated (and slept with) the woman his older brother is now married to (met her before the brother ever did). no one cares.

Yes - I was in a similar situation in the past and openly discussed it. If he's a reasonable person, you'll have a laugh about it and move on. I wouldn't keep it a secret because it will seem you're making it more of a thing to what it actually was.

@lottiegarbanzo

People can can have sex with as many people as they likes, it doesn't make them a slut. Would you call a man a slut? No.

For a bit of context - I once dated, very briefly (in Yorkshire) a man who turned out to have gone out for a while with a girl I was at school with, whilst I knew her, in Devon. He also went to the same school as my brother, but we never, knowingly, met at that time.

It was just a coincidence, and if he thought I was stalking him, then I would have had to have been playing a VERY long game - he knew my friend over forty years ago...

Thanks for the 'correction' morrisseysquif

You're welcome @lottiegarbanzo I was happy to set you straight.

Just raise it with him, as one of life's co incidences, say how you weren't interested in each other, one date, nothing happened, laugh it off.

It's no biggie.

ODFOD Morriseys

It's the OP you're 'setting straight'. The rest of us were just having a nice chat (and know what inverted commas signify).

How is this situation ‘massively awkward’?

What’s all the “you can have sex with as many men as you like without being considered a slut” hype? You can, of course, but op didn’t. She met the friend once (whilst single) and says they didn’t even kiss.
What a ridiculous trumped up drama about sod all

I wouldn't mention it.

I had an awkward situation as a teenager like this. Was with a guy for over a year but then split up. Met someone new and he invites me over. While I am there a group of his friends walk in including the best friend of my ex. I had no idea that there was a link with the ex and new man but it was extremely awkward when the best friend walked in a clocked me right away 😬

The key to this is all in how you phrase it.
eg:

"Ive um...got something to tell you looks worried I think i dated your best friend for a while but i didnt know how you'd react and i dont want to ruin this and I just feel really awful about this situation and have been worrying about it"

OR

"Oh! haha! thats crazy- I went on a few dates with that guy, you know- your friend, what a weird coincidence- and wow what a small world. It was very casual though and months ago now looks calm and happy

The difference between these two is huge and how you react to it will cue how his reaction goes.