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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel betrayed

66 replies

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 17:26

Hi,
Looking for some advice.
Some background info, 44yrs old.
Married 19 years, 5 children, youngest 3 yrs old.
Husband and I had what I thought was a solid trusting relationship.
About 8 months ago, I came across messages & pictures he has saved from insta and sent to his friend.
The pictures are mainly sexy pics of one particular girl he was following, in the messages he was telling his friend how hot he thinks this girl is, she is a model, around 20 years younger than me and about half my size!,

On Valentine’s Day he sent him a pic of her in sexy lingerie she was paid to promote online.
He told his friend it was a valentines present for him.
The same day he gave me a card telling me how much he loves me. I feel humiliated.

The other pics are of her in a thong, etc.
I also found messages on his phone that show over the past 2 years he has been sending the same guy messages about sex and how he was looking forward to hearing details of the sex his friend had with girls.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry.
I think he is only sorry that he got caught.
I’m finding it really hard on 2 levels . he has made me feel really unattractive and I know that I look nothing like what he found attractive in that girl he was following, I think that it’s 1 particular girl he was attracted to makes it harder, if that makes sense.
I am also struggling because I never in a million years would have thought he would have sent the messages he sent over the last 2 years, I feel he has changed my view on our marriage, he is not the person I though he was .
All and any advice welcome

OP posts:

Sugartitss · 15/01/2020 17:41

He wanted details of sex his friend was having?

Well that’s just weird. Is he 15.

category12 · 15/01/2020 17:42

Is he gay?

Whynosnowyet · 15/01/2020 17:44

Personally I would throw him out.

Windmillwhirl · 15/01/2020 17:46

Sorry you are feeling so low.

He sounds incredibly immature. How are things now that you have confronted him?

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 18:23

He said he was really sorry.
I just can’t believe anything he says.
I feel so shite I myself.

OP posts:

Lipz · 15/01/2020 18:33

I know men have a bit of banter about women, just like a woman commenting on other guys, but this is weird on so many levels, why is he sending sexy pictures to a guy ? Why is he looking for details of this guys sex life ? That's weird. What does he do when the guy is filling him in ? Stand there all turned on listening to another bloke. Does he like the other guy sexually,?y

Strongmummy · 15/01/2020 18:36

So to confirm he was perving over a model with some bloke and asking this bloke to describe the sex he has with women? This wouldn’t really bother me tbh. If he’s not messaging this woman and Is faithful I think it’s pretty usual to fancy other people and maybe talk about it with a mate. Asking for details of his sex life is weird tho.

However everyone is different and what I find ok, you don’t. You need to talk about it a come to a compromise.

bitheby · 15/01/2020 18:37

I mean it's not 'real'. It's not an affair and she's some random model that he wouldn't ever meet. It's a bit sleazy but I don't think it necessarily reflects on you.

category12 · 15/01/2020 19:02

It's not an affair, but it is grim. It's no reflection on you, OP - but really is on him.

Mintlegs · 15/01/2020 19:02

Work on your own confidence and self esteem. It’s one thing them looking at porn but this sounds like he is obsessed about this

3rdchristmaslucky · 15/01/2020 20:21

I mean I've definitely sent pics of Jason Momoa to my friends for us all to drool over. And getting the deets after a night of sluttery? We've all done it.

It's fantasising. He's not cheating on you or betraying you.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 20:44

I do feel betrayed,
I would never do anything like that to him.
I suppose everybody is different and I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/01/2020 21:42

What’s your sex life like together? Do you think part of the reason you’re upset is because if isn’t very good yet he’s finding the time and energy to think about sex involving other people? If so, that’s the part you need to focus on and communicate over.

I think it’s a little naive to assume that you will be the only person your husband is ever attracted to, tbh. I know it’s the fairytale we’re all sold about how it is when you’re in love, but let’s be honest, it’s unrealistic. It doesn’t reflect on you or your attractiveness, it’s just human. I couldn’t get worked up about it. She’s a model, she posts her photos out there so men will look at them, he’s looked at them and shared them with a mate. Agree with @3rdchristmaslucky - I can’t see much difference between that and a group of women discussing actors or celebs they think are hot and asking for the low down when somebody has a new boyfriend / a ONS.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2020 21:46

He sounds like one of those men that go to watch strippers perform sex acts with other men in groups

Closet homosexual

TippledPink · 15/01/2020 21:48

That would hurt me too OP, especially with it being one particular woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2020 21:49

He's asking for details of his friends fuck-apades like a 15 year old boy. Christ, that's pathetic.

Sickandscared · 15/01/2020 22:22

It all sounds very immature but I struggle to see it as a betrayal. How is your relationship otherwise? How are your own confidence levels generally?

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 22:59

Betrayal is defined as "deliberate disloyalty".
I think that the fact that his behaviour has been going on for 2 years that he was been disloyal to me.
Does anybody else think this is betrayal or I am wrong?

OP posts:

mumofone88 · 15/01/2020 23:05

How is your relationship otherwise?

3rdchristmaslucky · 15/01/2020 23:08

How do you think he's been disloyal?
Has he ever contacted another woman with the intention of cursing on you? Had he been messaging another woman and emotionally cheating on you?

He's been indulging in a crush and fantasizing.

He's guilty of looking but probably only touching himself.

Plumbus · 15/01/2020 23:12

How's your sex life with your husband?

Is interest in his friend's sex life so he can live vicariously through him?

He sounds like one of those men that go to watch strippers perform sex acts with other men in groups

Closet homosexual

WTF!? I don't see how you came to that conclusion.

I mean I've definitely sent pics of Jason Momoa to my friends for us all to drool over. And getting the deets after a night of sluttery? We've all done it.

It's fantasising. He's not cheating on you or betraying you.

Agree with this

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 23:12

If I was asked that 9 months ago, I would have said great, brilliant even.
We get on very well, we have 5 fabulous children.
We have regular sex, I would have felt safe and secure with him but now I find myself comparing myself to the girl he has kept screenshots of and I feel very self conscious, he has made me feel middle aged and unattractive, which I'm not.
I look after myself.
I don't think I deserve to feel like this.
I am confident but by no means in an arrogant way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 23:16

Loyalty is based on respect.
He would have known that keeping screenshots of another almost naked girl is disrespectful to me.

OP posts:

PawPawNoodle · 15/01/2020 23:16

I'm sorry OP but you have also been disloyal. You have looked through his private messages extensively.

He has unintentionally hurt you (since I'm guessing he didnt think you would be looking through his messages) and hasn't cheated on you. He has been a bit gross but I don't think he has betrayed you.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 23:20

I didn't look through his messages, the pictures he had saved were on Instagram, he was beside me when I discovered them.
He thought he had deleted all messages on his phone and attempted to show me, he didn't delete everything and got such a shock when he found the message to his friend.
I would never or have never gone though his messages unknown to him.

OP posts:

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