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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel betrayed

66 replies

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 17:26

Hi,
Looking for some advice.
Some background info, 44yrs old.
Married 19 years, 5 children, youngest 3 yrs old.
Husband and I had what I thought was a solid trusting relationship.
About 8 months ago, I came across messages & pictures he has saved from insta and sent to his friend.
The pictures are mainly sexy pics of one particular girl he was following, in the messages he was telling his friend how hot he thinks this girl is, she is a model, around 20 years younger than me and about half my size!,

On Valentine’s Day he sent him a pic of her in sexy lingerie she was paid to promote online.
He told his friend it was a valentines present for him.
The same day he gave me a card telling me how much he loves me. I feel humiliated.

The other pics are of her in a thong, etc.
I also found messages on his phone that show over the past 2 years he has been sending the same guy messages about sex and how he was looking forward to hearing details of the sex his friend had with girls.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry.
I think he is only sorry that he got caught.
I’m finding it really hard on 2 levels . he has made me feel really unattractive and I know that I look nothing like what he found attractive in that girl he was following, I think that it’s 1 particular girl he was attracted to makes it harder, if that makes sense.
I am also struggling because I never in a million years would have thought he would have sent the messages he sent over the last 2 years, I feel he has changed my view on our marriage, he is not the person I though he was .
All and any advice welcome

OP posts:

mumofone88 · 15/01/2020 23:20

I know you said you confronted him... did u tell him how it actually made you feel? I do think he has betrayed you to some degree but I don't think he set out to hurt you or maybe he just didn't consider your feelings. Is the betrayal bad enough to up sticks and leave? I'm in a situation a bit like this myself and asking myself these same questions. So I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 23:22

I don't want to leave, I love him.
I just am so hurt that he could be sitting next to me on the sofa at night and at the same time sending pics to his friend and giving any consideration to my feelings.

OP posts:

JazzyJelly · 15/01/2020 23:33

Mine was looking in the bathroom every chance he got. Don't let anyone tell you it's not a betrayal, your feelings are right. It's disrespectful and it's disappointing to learn the man you love isn't as good as you thought he was.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 15/01/2020 23:34

Thank you, I feel like I'm totally irrational about it.
That is exactly how I feel, it's so upsetting that he is not the man I thought he was.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/01/2020 23:36

It’s entirely rational for you to feel as you do. He’s betrayed you and consequently you feel deeply hurt.

Nasty, sleazy little prick.

And it’s deeply weird that he wants to arouse his friend, get details of his sex life. Really peculiar. Boundaries crossed in many different ways.

MMmomDD · 16/01/2020 00:14

OP - I don’t think it’s betrayal.... And the fact he was sending those off sitting next to you doesn’t make it any less so.
We have all sat next to partners when we would see something racy, and possibly forward it on to a friend. Was it previous Xmas when that video of hot Santa’s strutting their stuff was going around?
Women do send that sort of stuff to each other just as well. Maybe less so then men, but still.

I am close to your age OP. And I think it’s the age when we all start feeling less ‘young’ and facing the inevitable approach of the scary times when we will be/look old.

Some of your reaction OP is possibly saying more about your state of mind then about the reality of the situation.

H’s behaviour is immature and grim. But it’s not a betrayal.
No more than you betray him when you see someone - on TV, Internet, or on a street - and see that they are hot.
We are all sexual beings and recognise attractiveness in others, not just our spouses.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 16/01/2020 00:20

I think there is a big difference between seeing somebody on the street, tv, online and acknowledging their attractiveness and actually setting about seeking these images and then saving said images.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/01/2020 06:19

Wg, you sound a lot more sensible than some of these manpleasing "men are from mars" bots who are trying to make you as brainwashed as they are

It makes them feel better about the poor male behaviour they themselves have swept under the carpet if they can gaslight others into doing it

feistymumma · 16/01/2020 10:01

I'm with @3rdchristmaslucky

user1479305498 · 16/01/2020 10:23

Crikey, some women seem to have chronically low expectations of partners/husbands. OP , I think it’s sleazy and weird in anyone over 30 and especially when with someone. I’ve had 3 long term relationships and not one of them would be sharing around photos— even the one with a cracking porn habit. I wouldn’t exactly call it betrayal, just plain sleazy. Years ago we would have said ‘dirty old man’. It seems these days anything goes, enabled by women who seem desparate to be with a bloke at all times .

user1479305498 · 16/01/2020 10:26

Oh and only one of my friends even has a touch of doing this , and it’s just buffed up actor etc and even then I’m talking once a year . Nor do they ask for details about sex in an ‘eager’ kind of way.

SallyWD · 16/01/2020 11:02

I can see why you're so hurt but on the other hand I don't think it's terrible. I'm in an all female hobby group and a few of us really fancy Cillian Murphy. There have been many exchanges of us sending each other photos of Cillian Murphy and saying how hot/sexy he is. He looks nothing like my DH at all. It's all just fantasy and doesn't reflect on how we feel about our DH's.

GilbertMarkham · 16/01/2020 11:30

Yeah but they probably weren't of him nearly naked and most importantly, you weren't asking your friends for details of their most recent sexual experiences!!

It's understandable how you feel op. He's a sleazy prick.

Since you want to stay together, I'd concentrate on the fact that he probably looks nothing close to hot, young, six packed, chiseled, hung etc fitness models and porn actors so what you look like compared to his little crush is irrelevant.

SallyWD · 16/01/2020 11:36

@GilbertMarkham No because there are no nearly naked photos of him otherwise we'd probably have swapped them! 😂 My friends and I do sometimes discuss our sex lives but you're right - I wouldn't ask them for details in order to get turned on.

user1479305498 · 16/01/2020 11:52

I get what you mean Sally, as I said one of my friends does this occasionally too but even then it’s usually dressed !! Or maybe baring his chest at the most. I think it’s a context thing, doing it all the time and asking details of his sex life is just bloody sleazy in an older guy. Maybe if he was 21 I and single I wouldn’t think the same way, I know age shouldn’t be in the equation , but I think it is , you don’t expect this level of immaturity.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 16/01/2020 12:22

I know it's been said that maybe this a reflection on my self confidence, maybe if I was Uber confident, but I'm not.
I'm just a normal wife & mum, thinking we were in a trusting relationship, for all I know he may have been discussing our sex life with his friend.
My husband would deny everything, partly to protect me and partly to protect himself.
Our oldest child is 15yr, girl, we discovered that a boy she was friendly with asked her online for a nude pic, she said no, thank god.
My husband was so upset when this happened,he was telling her to always have respect for herself, and never let anybody treat her like that, I pointed out the irony of the situation to him.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 16/01/2020 13:11

So what the hell was his response to you pointing THAT out?

sarahjconnor · 16/01/2020 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 16/01/2020 13:34

He agreed that his reaction to our daughters problem was complete double standards.
He keeps telling me he is sorry, but at the moment I truly feel he wouldn't have stopped unless he was found out.

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 16/01/2020 13:44

My DH did this. Not the swapping pics but definitely searching sexy images...certain celebrities...certain porn stars....always the same couple of women. It absolutely broke me. That was last March. It's been an awful year. He thinks everything is ok....but I will never ever feel the same way about him again. 3 kids. 18 yr relationship.

It's such a god awful feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone! You dont know them any more....it all feels different....the resentment still lingers, even now. It still hurts nearly a year on.

I have no advice but I understand your hurt

Menora · 16/01/2020 13:45

I don’t want to minimise how you feel because I think the issue is here he has massively cringed you out by being weird and creepy about this little fantasy which has made you question why on earth he did it and your self esteem means you think it’s you rather than your self esteem radar telling you that he is a sleaze and he is the problem

I really doubt he did this because he doesn’t find you sexy, or attractive. He does. But he also finds it sexually arousing to fantasise over this woman with another comrade

Your issue is not being married to a man who doesn’t fancy you but am immature one who has these sleazy sexual tendencies

Yes I’ve sent some admiring photos of Tom Hardy to a friend once or twice, and there is nothing wrong with a bit of a crush within the boundaries of what is normal. But this went too far and you have seen a side of him that you feel really uncomfortable about

You need to stop asking him why he did it to you and why he was doing it at all. As I don’t think this is about you actually

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2020 13:57

That's really creepy, I can get past him perving on some woman, but wanting to hear the details of his friends sex life is behond weird.

I've never heard of any one who would wish to hear that, unless they are in some form of three way sexual relationship. That they both share the sex they are having.

Honestly that's one creepy guy you're married to. I don't think I could work my way past it, and it's very sad you're making it all about you and how attractive you are. When it's not about you. It's about him. He's a real creepy dude.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 16/01/2020 14:03

Sorry the hear that mamato3lads,
I found out all of this last May and like you I have found the past 8 months very hard, there have been times when I have felt ok but I find myself looking at him and thinking do I even know him.
I also feel this has damaged our relationship and I have said to him that I feel the best we can hope for is to move forward but he needs to be aware that things will be different.
He is adamant that we can’t go back to the way we were, he feels it’s just going to take time.
I told him only last night that forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things, I can’t forget the images or I can’t forget the messages he wrote.

OP posts:

eenymeenyminyme · 16/01/2020 14:04

I wouldn't have a problem with the pics and silly messages to his friend.

What I would have a problem with is him doing it once you've told him how awful it makes you feel.

He should now be investing his time and effort into making you feel special and wanted.

Original poster

Worriedgirl3 · 16/01/2020 14:05

Sorry I meant he is adamant that we can go back not “can’t”

OP posts:

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