I feel betrayed

[Worriedgirl3]

Hi,
Looking for some advice.
Some background info, 44yrs old.
Married 19 years, 5 children, youngest 3 yrs old.
Husband and I had what I thought was a solid trusting relationship.
About 8 months ago, I came across messages & pictures he has saved from insta and sent to his friend.
The pictures are mainly sexy pics of one particular girl he was following, in the messages he was telling his friend how hot he thinks this girl is, she is a model, around 20 years younger than me and about half my size!,

On Valentine’s Day he sent him a pic of her in sexy lingerie she was paid to promote online.
He told his friend it was a valentines present for him.
The same day he gave me a card telling me how much he loves me. I feel humiliated.

The other pics are of her in a thong, etc.
I also found messages on his phone that show over the past 2 years he has been sending the same guy messages about sex and how he was looking forward to hearing details of the sex his friend had with girls.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry.
I think he is only sorry that he got caught.
I’m finding it really hard on 2 levels . he has made me feel really unattractive and I know that I look nothing like what he found attractive in that girl he was following, I think that it’s 1 particular girl he was attracted to makes it harder, if that makes sense.
I am also struggling because I never in a million years would have thought he would have sent the messages he sent over the last 2 years, I feel he has changed my view on our marriage, he is not the person I though he was .
All and any advice welcome

No because there are no nearly naked photos of him otherwise we'd probably have swapped them

I dunno I think Cillian like many people, would be better in clothing, he's a bit skinny. It's his face that's the pull.

Yep completely disloyal and disrespectful. I'm sorry OP. I would definitely consider the marriage over if it were me but I know that everyone is different and some people would say this is all something of nothing

Sorry about the derail op.

To reiterate, it is sleazy and the asking his mate for details of his latest sexual experiences v uuugh - like he wants to live vicariously through him or fantasise about it. I'm amazed his mates not uncomfortable (presuming he isn't). He's a bit if a sleaze and unfortunately you're not alone in being with one. However you say you don't want to dump him so as above, I'd just concentrate on alternative sources of erotic stimulation for yourself - whether images, fuction whatever ... And keep very clearly in your mind - since it seems to bother you - that you may not be the same as his 'crush' but that he doesn't match up to any crushable hot celeb or model either.

When a person gets caught out they react two ways

1. get mad and blame you
2. cry and apologise

Both promise they won't do it again and that you just need to believe them.

It's that simple. He wouldn't of kept doing it if he thought he was in the wrong. He did it because he could and can and your be upset but your forgive. And he knows that!

Feel for you OP

Wouldn't bother me tbh. Me and my female friends are forever sending pics of David Beckham and other hot celebs to each other, usually with very little clothes on. In fact if my DH looked at my phone he'd find loads! But it's just chat. Yes I do find them very gorgeous, but it's just fantasy. Think there are worse things

I wasnt brave enough to tell him how much he'd damaged things. Still am. Afraid that once I say it out loud to him, its validated and I csnt take it back. So I pretend all is ok....and in many ways our relationship is great, but I will never forgive him searching and looking and let's be straight, masturbating to the images of other women

Something shifted when I discovered this about him and it broke my heart

Sending love

That's how I feel too, like it's damaged, we have been together 25 years.
I feel he has ruined everything I thought to be true, and while I dont want end our marriage I fear that I will always resent him, and I fear that it won't ever go away.

This wouldn't bother me... BUT

It bothers you. And you have a right to feel the way you do. I assume that at some point you didn't agree what the boundaries were wrt to this sort of thing because in your head you didn't need to. I think going forward you have to agree together what these boundaries are.

Also, going back to the pic he sent his mate being "for him" does she have an onlyfans or similar that people can subscribe to? Its possible that he's seeing pics that are not safe for insta (I hate to say it, but it's a possibility)?

I'm afraid in my case he swore never to do it again, very believable, lots of tears. And he did it again, and again, and again. He got to the point where he was looking any chance he got. Don't believe any promises to change.

@mamato3lads
I can understand somewhat the OP’s reaction to the messages to his friend, etc.
However your reaction I am struggling with.
No one can own the totality of their partner’s sexuality.
Your H wasn’t even looking at porn - that is a highly divisive subject here on MN.
He was looking at social media pictures of celebrities? And that makes you so deeply unhappy?
Do people really think that their partner only ever imagines them while masturbating??? All the time?

I'm with anyfucker and bluntness, this in particular...

I've never heard of any one who would wish to hear that, unless they are in some form of three way sexual relationship. That they both share the sex they are having

Yes, this sounds disturbing, OP. Do you know this friend? They seem to be operating on a sexual plane where they obtain gratification from the sharing of explicit details.

I wouldn’t even try to get past this.

Can anybody advise me on the benefits of couple/ marriage counselling?
Anybody been through it or no anybody who has?

*know

Couples counselling ?

Why would that be necessary ? There is nothing wrong with you,