Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

This is how he’s got his savings. Walk away now.

I think you should tell him to fuck off. He's being totally unreasonable and believe me, it will only get worse

“Any decent person would be embarrassed to have this come out of their mouth”
I mean him, not you, obv.

God, OP, the upshot is you are paying to let him shag you.

It's sounds like he always has an answer and it's always in his favour, which has discombobulated you. If you look at things now, through this different lens, do you even want to bother with him?

He sounds awful! There can't be any future here, you'll never be able to live together, he's clearly got issues.

I would draw a line under things now and not waste any more time.

He has been financially abusing you all this time.
And you have been tolerating it for some reason.
LTB and do the freedom programme.

Get rid! FFS, he's a tight, using, negging cunt who makes you feel like shit. Bin him! Modern dating, my arse. You are paying out money to suck this guy's cock. Get rid and do NOT date again until you have done the Freedom Programme and done a lot of work on your self-esteem. He will only get worse.

In a funny way it's not really about the money.
He's asserting his superiority, power and control.
One rule for him, another rule for you.

He's an utter piece of shit and I don't know how you can look at him let alone have sex with him, frankly.

This is all wrong, mate, especially as he earns much more than you.

' I have to ‘treat’ him to food etc as he’s ‘putting me up’'

He's not putting you up, you're coming to visit him. He should pay at least half the time towards the costs of you travelling up to visit him. As to him buying in your food etc- you're a guest at the end of the day. Unless they were really broke I think most people would offer to go halfs on the food maybe, but that should be a polite gesture on your part rather than any expense he spends on a guest being a demand from him.

So much of it sounds wrong. I would split up with him- this isn't just about money, money is just symbolic here of how much he's prepared to help you out or put himself out for you- and it sounds like very little.

He’s manipulating you to take advantage of you financially. Wake up and see him for the nasty miser he actually is. He’s using your passive acceptance of his demands in order to help fund his own life style and savings!
End the relationship now, and save your self respect AND your money!

Part Two should be withdrawing the use of your own home as the contact point for your Ex. He’s also taking advantage of you!

All points taken on board. He does want us to live together one day but I suspect in part it’s because I’ve almost paid my mortgage off so have equity. There’s no way I’ll be giving up my security!

I certainly don’t feel cherished or cared for by him. He just tells me he is a practical, not romantic man therefore can’t do romance etc. I just cannot do 50/50 - and then have him come here and I do 100%. He always has an excuse. He eats all my chocolate too when he’s here!! Never buys me any!!!

Why are your standards so low?

@eminencegrise ' You are paying out money to suck this guy's cock.'

When you put it like that lol!

Exactly, Emma. He's not a partner and never has been. Just a shit boyfriend who is costing you money to get treated like dirt and used?

Dump him, dump him, dump him.

You won't regret it.

Basically you pay to get there, stay there and erm presumably give him love, support and sex. What exactly does he do for you??

If it weren't for your ex he'd have moved in and been a cocklodger whilst renting out his property!!!

Can you wait til he is asleep and tattoo "tight git" on his head so that other women know to avoid him, please..

He is a horrible man.

Well he’s made me feel like I am in the wrong, so I’ve been a bit confused to be honest. When I got upset in the supermarket about having to pay again when I pay at his, he said it was the ‘way’ I’d said it that was bad. He said he had misunderstood and offered to pay and indeed did, but I don’t see why I should have to point it out when I just pay or offer at his. He threw the shopping through my door and drove off in a huff for an hour!!

He's a thundercunt. You owe him FA. All you need say is that you have decided the relationship has run its course and that you need to move on so he needs to consider the relationship finished. He fucking well knows he's swizzing you. You've just been putting up with it for longer. Most would have told him to go fuck himself long ago and in the future, you will, too.

He then called me a cretin and a witch on the phone when I called him to see where he was. Sorry, drip feeding here I know. It’s awful, I know. I’m ashamed.

Get on your phone and text him "you're dumped" and block.

Do it now.

Yep, abusive. Emotional as well as financial. Standard.

Was your ex abusive too?

What category said. Then block. Fuck him off.

😮 this is getting worse the more you update.

The driving away business is a classic control technique, used to unbalance the one left behind and make them question their own actions. He meant to make you feel insecure, and to doubt that your worries were accurate. Did you apologise to him when he finally returned?
He is a nasty piece of work.