Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

1200 quid, OP, at least. Fucking thousand pounds, to be treated like shit and abused. He is abusive and continuing to be so. He will never change. Get rid. Block. He turned your entire message to him into another chance to abuse you. This is what he is. Bin and get onto the Freedom Programme and then some. No one is worth so little.

ShamefulBlanket

I bet he’s one of those bitter divorced men who thinks all women are after their precious money and is determined to ensure you pay the last 67p towards the coffee he ‘bought’ you.

This. My stbxh is the exact same. It's fucking miserable and him expecting 50% when you earn far less is quite frankly really unkind and disrespectful. You can't have a successful relationship with someone like this

Well done op. It’s a brave thing to have done given your health, but well worth doing.

That sounds completely wrong, I just means it takes effort to think these things through and it’s hard to stand up for yourself when you’re physically not well to boot. I don’t think any woman should be in a relationship with the tight selfish demanding uncaring asshole manchild you have been seeing.

Fucking hell, just read this entire thread. I'm so glad you've made the decision to remove this shit bag from your life.

Hateful man. Ugh

Onwards and upwards OP!!

Eurgh he’s awful.

Get rid! He sounds absolutely awful. And good on you for maintaining such a positive relationship with your ex for your daughter's sake.

Morning everyone who replied to my thread.

I just want to say a huge thank you to you all for supporting me, and helping me to finally realise what a horrible man I have been seeing.

It is over. Obviously he has tried to talk me round (by, in the main, blaming me and my ‘issues’). But I have stayed strong and he now knows he’s well and truly dumped.

Gallingly, and quite hilariously, as part of his ‘sorry, not sorry’ campaign since, he sent me a link to a holiday destination. Nope, he did not want to take me away to make up for being a shit, but said he would not expect me to pay 50/50 but he would be ok with me paying a third which would be £1k as he likes nice holidays. Ha ha. No thanks.

He’s said he hadn’t sent flowers or done anything to show he’s truly sorry since last weekend because I’ve been ‘horrible’ to him all week. Erm, no - I’ve just kept myself to myself and been straight with him about his awful behaviour and double standards.

So there it is. I don’t need to block him as I’m not going to cave in. Nothing he can say or do now will change my mind or make up for his appalling abusive name calling, nor for doing jack shit for me when he’s staying with me when I’m ill. He thinks he was amazing by taking me to the hospital and cooking me food I had bought, he truly, truly believes this.

Last year I had therapy because of other things that had happened with him and for my self esteem and boundary issues in relationships and I am strong now and can see him for what he truly is.

Thank you all for being such a cool, kick ass bunch of women who had my back last week. You rock!

Well done OP, glad the fog has cleared and you're really seeing him for who he is.

Wow. Great update.
You taken back control of your life.
There's a singleton thread. Come join us.

@hellsbellsmelons can you link for me? Thank you 😊

Good stuff

Awesome, well done OP. And thanks for updating us

Nothing he can say or do now will change my mind or make up for his appalling abusive name calling

No you won’t change your mind - but you could take yourself out of punching distance - he still has power to send you abusive texts and/or punish you with silence. I understand the need to watch what he will do next and that maybe you want to see it so that you can say that it doesn’t hurt that bad or that he is so predictable so that it confirms your decision.

But it might hurt and even if it doesn’t you might be preoccupied waiting and watching.

Just some thoughts.

But well done. And to have done it when you were so it is incredible.

I hope that you are surrounded by people who care for you - maybe there are waiting for you whilst you wasted time on this guy.

Hope that you are feeling better and brighter.

I'm pleased you have seen the true him, well done - it can't have been easy.

Oh Op you've done amazingly

I bet you did actually chuckle with the holiday link only requesting ....a third.

One can only imagine how that would have gone, I bet that was him showing a weakness of utter and complete generosity.

Hope you feeling better.

How lovely that he has offered you a holiday for £1000 when you are a single parent who works part-time earning a quarter of his salary .

I've just come across this thread, you've done wonderfully OP, absolutely the right thing!

Hope you're feeling better soon

What a cheapskate. It's such an unattractive quality. I bet he does 'like nice holidays' when someone else is subsidising them!

Your instinct is correct OP. Taking you to the hospital and cooking you a meal from food you had already is something I would do (and have done) for friends but also would do colleagues, neighbours etc. He needn't make out it was the sacrifice of the century on his part! Who wants to be with someone for whom straightforward kindness is apparently such a big ask?

Well done! You’re going to save do much money I think you’ll find you have more nice things in your life

Well done! So good to hear of a woman not taking shit any more. His responses are incredible, pathetic, hilarious and totally predictable. Sadly, he will never,ever, learn but you are free . Congratulations!

Mean with money, mean with love.

Well done OP - hope you feeling better and stronger as well

Well done! Hope you are starting to feel better. Onwards & upwards

Thank you all 💐