Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

What @Windmillwhirl said.
If he ever says that to you again then just say "no way am I angry I'm actually feeling really happy and relieved for the first time in a long time. Good luck hun wish you all the best"

I'm sorry but you need to stop engaging with him, there is no arguing or reasoning with a controlling and abusive man like this.

If you can't bring yourself to block him (which would be the best solution) you need to ignore his messages.

Isn't the standard phrase "I'm not angry with you, just very, very disappointed in you"?

I'm sure he's not enjoying you standing up to him. It's nice you've found your voice, though.

I can only speak for myself but my query on the message was not about some quest for drama, it was a genuine query because I was concerned you thought you had shut him down entirely but it didn't read that way to me.

Given what you're dealing with health wise I just didn't want you faced with wheedling from him that you hadn't expected - which was also why I said about blocking. (I don't see how blocking would provide drama anyway?! Surely closing down avenues for further messages is the opposite of dramatic?)

Making a comment or suggestion on a thread doesn't mean I expect people to act on it and if they do choose to I certainly don't expect them to do so instantly! That would be ridiculous. But it would be a bit tedious if every single poster added that caveat to every single post.

Attila mentioned this on another thread and it's relevant here - do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

He really is a pitiful specimen.

He is in the fortunate position of having money in the bank and being able to enjoy a bit of luxury, but he doesn't really allow himself.

He had a lovely, kind woman in his life but ruined that.

Everyone on MN is in agreement is a tightwad.

He really is pitiful and if you ever do engage with him again, in your shoes I'd say you pity him. He can't deny what you feel about him because that's entirely up to you.

Well done OP.

He really is a patronising bastard, isn't he? Basically saying "Silly little woman, you're hysterical".

It is amazing how common these abusive men act and how we try to make them see our point of view. He isn't a kind or good man but no doubt he is very capable of charm when it suits him.

Be aware of the hoover, which is when he may sound contrite to get you to engage with him or you decide to contact him. It is a cycle (which kept me hooked) but over time the bad times outweigh the good times.

You need to block him now. Or you will get dragged back in.

You need to block him now. Or you will get dragged back in.

THIS.

Lucky escape op. He is a true dick head.

I've read all the things that have been said - i feel for you op - but you really just need to tell him it's over and then block him.

He is a master manipulator and I can already tell he's getting under your skin. Blocking him and never interacting with him again is the kindest, healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Your initial email back to him left the door WIDE open for the relationship to resume - he can tell you will roll over and let him continue - I encourage you to properly stand up for yourself instead of telling him how hurt you are and inviting him to hurt you again.

I recognise all this behaviour because my mum does this with men as well. She's close in age to you and seems to have a very deep seated longing and belief that a man is one day going to properly take care of her. She doesn't udnerstand how to stand her ground and she communicates similarly to the way you do. It has never worked. She just gets taken for a mug over and over again and can never stop giving more chances. I don't want that for you.

Wishing you the best x

And as another poster has said -

The way you are engaging with him, IS actually very dramatic. Understandable but you are coming off as dramatic to him, because within your words, you're making it clear that you're giving him another chance. So it seems like all hot air to him.

Ending it without much comment, blocking him and never speaking to him again is actually the non-dramatic way to go. Sorry.

there will be no flowers or grovelling and I’ll never see him again!!

That would indeed be a just and good outcome

I'm sorry if it's a surprise for you but you may still he caught in the cycle of abuse.

How will you react if he comes with flowers and promises to change, or threats that without out you his life is worthless and you have driven him to end it all?

Have you read the books about abuse which refer to them script' ? Armed with knowledge of the script, you can be prepared with the best answered which is to laugh, block and get on with your brilliant life.

Remember though how skilfully he first reeled you in. He is skilled at manipulation. What would he need to say in order to win you back and another chance for himself?

He could easily (consciously or unconsciously) he searching for the right kind to take. Inspire of his treatment so far, you are an amazing catch.

I would be very glad to know that he does give up now. I would dearly like you to be prepared for alternative outcomes.

The sooner you stop engaging with him, stop giving him attention, the better for you. Attention, and the associated control, is what he lives for. Why give him more or what he wants?

Please, arm yourself with knowledge and as the Scouts say Be Prepared. Wishing you all the very best xx

He continues to abuse you and always will. Please block him.

Please split up with him.
I've been in a similar situation and leaving was the best thing I did.

Great texts, OP!

I think his texts could get boring very quickly, though. Hope you're having nicer conversations with your friends.

Get well soon

FFS, block him and be done with him.

Block him.

Block him now before he starts throwing the crumbs that you've hinted you want. Block and delete and breathe easy while you recover. He won't change but you can change by upping your boundaries and standards for rejationahips

“Yes he has minimised and ignored everything and then attributed half the blame to you.” Yep!

He’s trying to talk you round by playing it all down - note not a HINT of apology for HIS appalling behaviour

“He did apologise when he was here, but blamed me for making him react like that.” That’s not a real apology neither is one where he expects you to apologise too.

Hellsbellsmelons post at 1350 is spot on!

“What’s the point in being nice once you’ve been so vile? It means nothing.” It’s in hope of you ignoring his vileness and letting him away with it

“he said it wasn’t fair as he ‘worked harder’ than me!” Pretty sure that’s bollocks anyway but what’s his job and what’s yours? You don’t have to tell us but I’m fairly confident he’s not “working down’t pit” office job I’m guessing, financial services? Or sales?

“He needs to read 1984, he sounds like one of the pigs.” 😂 think you mean animal farm “all animals are equal but some are more equal than others” aye right!

Well done op excellent text you sent. His reply is basically “calm down dear don’t be a neurotic hysterical WOMAN” fuck that for a laugh!

Ignore and block at this point, focus on recovery, chat with friends, watch favourite crap on Netflix...and save your money!

I don’t think he’ll throw crumbs I think he’ll get increasingly nasty once he realises he can no longer fool op. So for your sake op block you don’t need that.

The best get well present that you can give yourself is to block him & never speak to him again

The money & time that you used to spend travelling to him. Spend on yourself or create a bigger savings pot

Secondly, why are you letting your ExH into your property ?
Do you go & spend time in his property ?
Where are your boundaries ?

Get well soon

Get these men out of your life !

Manipulators have multiple ways in. Guilt-tripping and anger aren't working, he may be quiet and in a few weeks send out the "I miss you" sad hook or "I'm genuinely worried about you" concerned technique.

You can arm yourself by being prepared, but the best way to escape is block and 100% NC.

Chocmallows couple of more to add to that. Some sort of “health crisis” so he can whistle for you to come running - or “intriguing” social media posts of “dates” “new directions” to get you jealous......I am sure there are many more

Yes there are more I'm sure and as he doesn't appear to have empathy he will likely try them all out. OP, be prepared and don't engage (grey rock or block).