Marriage split, don’t know how to cope.

[Unsureofthescore113]

As the title suggests really. After 20 years and 1 dc I’ve well and truly broken his heart. This isn’t the first time I wanted to split, I had an affair when our dc was 6 months old and confessed as I felt so guilty. We worked through it but 6 years later I feel trapped. My husband has known only me since we were teenagers. We are now early thirties. Even though I initiated the split I’ve hurt him so so much. He didn’t see it coming.

I made a list of over 40 reasons to split. There’s no question that we should but why does it hurt this much? He’s asked me to give him a week and we were meant to go away Saturday just the two of us, he wants to go through it properly then.

I’m not eating or sleeping and constantly wondering if I did the right thing. But I did this because I believe we are different people with different priorities. Our 6 year old was picking up our disdain for each other and is always better with one of us. When we are all together it’s not great.

I’ve considered harm, Samaritans etc, I’ve had postnatal depression in the past after a traumatic labour which I dealt with anti depressants and I’m certain my husband had ptsd that he refused to deal with. He’s now blaming himself for our break up and all I want to do is comfort him but it’s not fair.

I’m not sure why I’m posting I’m just hurting so so much I just want the pain to end.

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I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's good that you've been honest with him, as it would be unfair to stay with someone just to avoid hurting them.

It sounds like you're quite uncertain about your decision though. Is your sadness solely just because you feel sorry for him or is part of you wondering if you're doing the right thing? I think in situations like this, joint counselling can be helpful. It can either help you identify issues that can be worked on together or it will help you decide for sure that you want to separate. Either way, at least you know then that you've done everything you can

Hi, thanks for the reply. I’m certain it’s the right decision but I still care for him so so much, it’s really hard to see him in so much distress. But our dc was picking up on his lack of respect towards me and is treating me in the same way. I’ve felt so isolated in this marriage, any concerns or opinions were ignored or invalid, making me feel worthless. No compliments or help with housework, when I’m poorly etc. I guess I’m just sad as I don’t feel I have anyone else to turn to. My parents are not supportive. And I’m upset in having to imagine leaving our house made a home together. But I truly want my own space, somewhere away from his mess. His junk. His reluctance to decorate, move, tidy anything. It’s getting too much. I want to be on my own. I’m so scared to do it but both of us need to grow up.

He wants to talk tonight. I’ve told him it’s done but he’s still at the salvage stage. I just can’t do this anymore.

What do you think he feels is salvageable bearing in mind his disdain and lack of respect for you?

He’s saying all my points are justified but he’s been suffering because of his ptsd. He keeps blaming himself and saying he doesn’t want to lose me. I’m so upset

Do you think he's right and his PTSD is the cause of his nastiness? Or do you think it's bullshit?

If he thinks his PTSD is the cause of his nastiness why isn't he getting help?

I think he does have a problem with it as he says he still has nightmares. I’ve been trying to help over the years and said I will support him Now as a friend but not as a wife. He’s really reluctant to ask for help as a person. We’ve been through this before and unfortunately I think the romantic love has gone which I’ve told him. I just can’t bear the thought of him so hurt and distressed.

I think it can be hard all round when a relationship ends. Even when you know it has to end. For me I got through by deciding what I had to do , doing it, but being kind along the way.

At the end of the day you are only responsible for your own happiness but you can be compassionate to others whilst making sure you get the end result which is right for you

Thank you. I’m trying to be as compassionate as possible - I’ve been feeling this way for months, years even. He’s literally not had a clue until now which makes me really sad. I want to go somewhere but he wants me to stay, I’m so torn.

I'd create some distance for you. It will help you , I think

Yes I agree. I would have left last night but we have our dc to consider, I do the school runs, bedtime routine, etc. Thanks to all who have replied. I literally don’t know what to do with myself

Take it an hour at a time. And keep posting here if you find it helps

So he’s booked us into marriage counselling, with the aim of helping us sort how to split. He want to give it another go, I do not and have said as much. We’ve worked out we can’t afford to move out so we’ll have to live in the same house until we can afford it..... anyone else done this? Are we mad?

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We had a quite civilised chat last night about stuff other than our relationship. It was nice, but I did say I still felt the same and I didn’t want to give false hope. I really want to be his friend and feel like we can co-parent well. Our counselling session is Friday and I’m my eyes it can’t come soon enough. I want this to be decided once and for all.

So the obvious question, which appears in many other posts regarding splitting up. Is there someone else on the horizon for you?
Has there been someone that has caught your eye and promised greener grass?
As you mentioned in your earlier post that you've been feeling this way for years and he didn't have a clue, did you not talk to him about how you felt earlier?

Did you get together as young teenagers, OP? You said you are early 30s and had a 20 year long relationship?
It is sadly a typical situation for relationships that start this early. By the 30s people grow up and change and realise that they don’t necessarily work well together.
And - sometimes they also realise that they missed out on ‘playing the field’ and discovering themselves.
But it’s not easy given that you two have only known each other.
Sorry

No, I’ve had some interest but I’ve not done anything with that IYSWIM. I really just want to be on my own, I don’t want another relationship at the moment.

Yes we got together as teens and stayed that way ever since. I’ve had previous relationships before that but I’m his only. Which is what makes it so sad :-( x

He’s beside himself and announced he’s sleeping on the sofa tonight. First time ever he’s done that since we’ve been living together. I’m feeling so so bad for him but at the same time think it’s probably due the best?

I think when you first break up with someone the temptation is to be 'friends' but the reality often is it's better to go cold turkey -get the heartache over with faster!you may feel like a cold heartless bitch but it will cause him less pain in the long run. Perhaps he could spend a few nights at a friend's/family? Your child will be picking up on the weird tension and it would probably be a relief just to be with one or the other of you

I did suggest he maybe lives with his parents for a bit but he says he can’t as they are elderly. So we a stuck in this loop for a bit. I’ve woke up feeling sick to my stomach with sadness but also slight relief??

Also. He doesn’t have any friends. One thing that stuck in my head when we first had problems when dc were born he said “I gave up all my friends for you”. He went to school with them and claims he gave them up. He hasn’t had any friends since. He’s not a people person so I didn’t ever question it at the time, just assumed he’d grown out of them.

God this is my nightmare being lumbered with the clingy needy “6th form boyfriend” for life - the one most of us dumped at 18.

He’s not your responsibility. Think your only option here is to be decisive and separate properly like pulling a plaster off fast is better. In fact you must do this for your own mental health esp if you not eating or sleeping