Marriage split, don’t know how to cope.

[Unsureofthescore113]

As the title suggests really. After 20 years and 1 dc I’ve well and truly broken his heart. This isn’t the first time I wanted to split, I had an affair when our dc was 6 months old and confessed as I felt so guilty. We worked through it but 6 years later I feel trapped. My husband has known only me since we were teenagers. We are now early thirties. Even though I initiated the split I’ve hurt him so so much. He didn’t see it coming.

I made a list of over 40 reasons to split. There’s no question that we should but why does it hurt this much? He’s asked me to give him a week and we were meant to go away Saturday just the two of us, he wants to go through it properly then.

I’m not eating or sleeping and constantly wondering if I did the right thing. But I did this because I believe we are different people with different priorities. Our 6 year old was picking up our disdain for each other and is always better with one of us. When we are all together it’s not great.

I’ve considered harm, Samaritans etc, I’ve had postnatal depression in the past after a traumatic labour which I dealt with anti depressants and I’m certain my husband had ptsd that he refused to deal with. He’s now blaming himself for our break up and all I want to do is comfort him but it’s not fair.

I’m not sure why I’m posting I’m just hurting so so much I just want the pain to end.

Your H been and is denial. His devastation isn’t because he didn’t see it coming but because he wants to maintain the status quo. He’s made promises before because he knew it was you wanted to hear, rather than an intention to do anything. Your marriage has turned toxic and the onus is on you to follow through ending because won’t.

The most compassionate thing is to end it.

Thanks all for your words. You’re right, I’m feeling responsible for his wellbeing and numerous times have caught myself saying I’m sorry for doing this to you. But really I just need to be on my own. And he needs to accept that. I hope we come to a better solution tomorrow, I don’t think I can keep living like this.

Has anyone ever had a wobble after deciding to break up? Now that we are entering the first week it’s really hard to break normal habits, ie getting his dinner ready for when he walks in, sitting and having a chat etc. I’m trying to think that I would do that for any of my friends, but I am going to miss it.... I have so many reasons to split but I can’t help thinking of the good bits too and it’s making me sad

OP, the fact that you are still unsure tells me this wasn't the right decision. Yes you can be sympathetic towards his upset but you are feeling an extreme. I'm worndering if marriage counselling is the way forward for you both. My DH and I are now mid to late 20s and have been together since we were 14. We've had some really shit times, arguments, times I didn't think we'd make it through especially after marriage when we have suffered recurrent miscarriages but deep down he is the love of my life and I'd be lost without him. Please have a good think before you make a very permanent decision. Sending love x

I’m not unsure though. I’m certain I don’t want to be with him. But I just cant handle him being so beside himself. He’s not eating or sleeping etc and I’m worried about him. We’ve got a lot of history so I’m bound to care surely? We are just too different. I don’t want to feel scared to buy things anymore. Or gauge what mood he’s in when he comes home from work, or live in a constant tip because he can’t be bothered to sort out his mountain of stuff he buys (yet is always talking about saving money). Surely 40+ reasons is more than enough to walk away?

@Unsureofthescore113 I think you need distance between you both. I think staying in the house together and you trying to act normal is going to fuck with his head and will hurt him more in the long run. You can't have your cake and eat it. You made the decision, stop acting like a wife would (making his dinner for him when he gets home etc) and leave the guy to grieve the loss of his marriage. He doesn't sound like an angel and if you are happier without him then make that clean break. It'll be easier for your little one too.

I’ve offered to find a place but I pay the mortgage, so all the childcare and run the house and he won’t leave. Neither of us can afford to move out.

I want distance but he refuses to leave what can I do?

Bump

Sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re brave. I feel as though I could be writing your post in a few years time, at the moment the status quo is better than any alternative, for both of us. We have discussed it but some time ago. Are you able to tell us about your financial situation, so you work, have any savings to leave, able to make enquires regarding benefits you may be able to receive once you have separated?
If you’re feeling relief cling on to that, the sadness will lessen. How is your DS feeling, does he know what’s going on?

Could you frame it as a trial separation? 'you need to leave to see if I'll miss you' type deal. Just to help encourage him to move out and give you both some space. X

Yes I work part time and have some savings. My husband cane in tonight and has tried to talk about it again and wanting to go through point by point what he’s done wrong, and trying to debunk them. Then said hes clearly an idiot and he will change. I keep saying it’s over but he will not listen. We are going to counselling tomorrow but I’m so so done and am now scared that he’s going to get cross that I haven’t changed my mind. We’ve put on a brave face for DS but he knows, he’s been cuddling us more than usual.

In regards to trial separation, I just don’t know. My mind is so messed up, I just want to get away from everything and everyone

Bump. Need a handhold. Woke up feeling sick and down.

Will he not clear his junk to save his marriage
Living in a tip will cause depression in the strongest.
Is he a hoarder ?

hey OP, no words but i am thinking of you.
hope today is over quickly for you x

I knew the marriage had to end, and I had had an affair which my DH discovered, that had just ended.
And I still had some wobbles about whether it was the right thing to do

I knew it was though because when he suggested therapy and 6 months to try again I felt physically panicked and sick and trapped

Its hard, change is hard. But it's often the right thing

You know exactly what you want and why you want it but you need help in not being manipulated into maintaining a status quo where he is the only beneficiary.

Find your own counsellor because this man is hell bent on prioritising his wants and has and will continue to do that, at your expense.

He has been trying to clear his hoard over the past year but it’s still quite bad. He’s been brought up that way, his parents are the same. I feel I’ll when I look at his stuff and he doesn’t want me to move it/try and help clear it.

He’s being really nice at the moment which makes what I’m doing so much harder. Thanks for your well wishes everyone

Is his PTSD from your affair?

I think having an affair when your baby is that young, really indicates you weren't happy in your relationship. Babies can create that family bond and to have a mum having an affair when they have an infant is quite telling.

Maybe you got together too young and have grown into different people.
I don't understand why he felt the need to give up all his friends for you. Thats a very unhealthy situation. He sounds dependent on you for his social life.

I was feeling a bit sorry for him, until you mentioned his lack of respect and treatment towards you...which your DS is picking up on. That's really not good enough.

It's obvious you dont have romantic feelings or a desire to be with him... maybe admitting that feels difficult...but it looks like the attraction isn't there.

That's the thing.
If he wanted to save your marriage the hoad would be gone.
Have you told him this?
!me or your junk - not at all unreasonable and not good for dc

I have a similar issue with ‘junk’... I’ve allocated one room for it - all of it. if I find something lying around I just throw it back in that room, it’s quite therapeutic! Would that be possible for you OP?

No the PTSD is from giving birth and him being told I wouldn’t make it. He went home from the hospital claiming he had a bad back even though I begged him to stay. He’s never sought help for it and I had the affair with a childhood friend who I lost contact with when I was young who came back into my life. It was all bad timing

I’m sitting here whilst he is tidying up his stuff for the first time ever, waiting to go to the counselling. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack

thinking of you OP

Hope you're ok OP x

Thanks all. It was a really tough day yesterday, one of the hardest. The therapist really went to town on us and said I’ve got issues from my childhood (cliche, right?) which makes me put this wall up and not let anybody in. She’s told him he’s got hoarding and social anxiety issues which he needs addressing. But she’s given us a set of tasks to do and suggests time together will help us decide what to do. He’s still sleeping in another room for now, but basically she says the old relationship is done, it’s now up to me if I want a new one with him or not.

He’s already started clearing his junk and the house looks better already. I’m not jumping into anything but we’ll see how it goes. I never actually considered he was able to or wanted to change. But now that’s a possibility it’s such a game changer. I look at him now and still find him very attractive (always have done to be fair).

I’m still not 100% sure yet but thought I would update. A slightly different post than what I started with and hope I’m not being a cop out....!