Hand hold please, husband not sure he wants to remain married.

[mummabubs]

Hi all, I literally can't believe I'm in the position of writing this post but could just use a hand hold if that's OK.

Abridged version is: Known DH 7 years, been married for 3 and have a 2 year old DS. Seven months ago we were about 5 months into TTC #2 (had always discussed together about how we wanted two children since relatively early on in the relationship). DH suddenly told me that he no longer wanted 2 children and was happy with only having our DS- gave lots of reasons. This has been hard for me to adjust to and I've been very upset at the thought of our family not looking as we always thought it would. DH's position over a lot of things has felt chaotic since then- wanting another child, then not, wanting to move house, wanting to stay here, wanting to move 200 miles away to be closer to our families... In all honesty it's been exhausting to try and just keep going for me never knowing what he wanted.

Last night he came to bed and it emerged he doesn't think he wants to stay married. Says that he still loves me and feels utterly shit about the situation but he also wants to be by himself for a while and not have the pressures of marriage or parenting. Consequently I've had no sleep, feeling miserable one minute and then numb the next. Crying constantly. I've come into work (NHS frontline staff) but feel utterly useless.

I know there's not necessarily an 'answer' to the situation but I can't talk it through with friends (all mutual here) or family at this point, so think in my little pity bubble I just selfishly want someone to acknowledge that this is just crap. Thanks for reading.

It's seems that good people in long marriage can have their heads turned.

Dig a bit deeper and you f in d a couple whose drifted , become complacent and take each other for granted.

Throw in lives stress and maybe a illness and bereavement and the cracks appear.

No one is bullet proof and all relationships take work.

Smile when don't feel like it.
All the boring jobs you do ti look after each other.
And be firm and stand your ground in argument when you'd rather be nasty or fold for a peaceful life.

so if a man has an ow/affair/ emotion affair- even though he 'maybe' depressed it because he has a personality disorder ?

Nope, sometimes it's that he has a condition known as "being a cunt".

The behaviour that PP described in her DH which she attributed to depression, though, tends to actually manifest in a person who has a PD or is abusive. It may also be that he is simply an arsehole.

What IS the case is that the way the PPs DH was behaving is NOT typical of a regular bloke with depression.

Men who have OW due to depression, oh please, they may be depressed (though depressed men usually lose their sex drive so getting a second woman involved would probably be more than he could "rise" to), but they are also a shitbag. If the OW is an emotional affair, they are still a shitbag.

You can do nasty things due to being an arsehole (their own fault) or due to having a PD (not their own fault) but NOT due to depression.

The only time I would ever blame a mental illness for someone shagging around, is if someone becomes sexually disinhibited when high, during an instance of bipolar. And even then its not all that common, but it can make the person easy to sexually exploit. That happens to men and women.

People who blame depression on why they cheat and absolve themselves from responsibilities are inherently self absorbed and always have been.
People don’t become depressed and change entire personality hmm including all their moral values

This!

So, so, so selfish

This. What an utter cock your husband is. Well tough shit- he’s a parent now and he doesnt just get to palm off his responsibilities as a father.

I would end this now OP. Be aware that as soon as you become single and life appears on an even keel or you meet someone else he’ll likely come crawling back saying he made a huge mistake, crying and wailing etc Dont let him mind fck you like that. Make it crystal clear if it ends then it ends. I know guys like him- they want their freedom when it suits them but as soon as their ex meets someone else they can’t stand it. Selfish fucker.

Stay strong OP 💪

@SirChing 'You can do nasty things due to being an arsehole (their own fault) or due to having a PD (not their own fault) but NOT due to depression.'

I did have a partner who went a bit 'wrong' following a bereavement and wasn't a very nice person for a while. Stress/depression can somewhat alter people's personalities- some can become more self-absorbed etc.

Of course this doesn't mean they don't have a PD. I'm sure I read somewhere at some point that 1 in 10 people have a personality disorder but often only of the severity that it will effect them in times of stress, such as bereavement etc. Symptoms of a PD ebb and flow depending on whether a person's life/relationships are running smoothly- at least with some, such as Borderline.

People can help the symptoms/behaviours of a Personality Disorder btw- at least Borderline, which is responsive to approaches like DBT therapy, to the extent that people can stop technically meeting the criteria for Borderline after having it. I have Borderline/Borderline traits and have specifically worked on them in therapy. I like to think it's worked a little, or I've wasted my money.:) Therapists can treat it. They can even to an extent help people with NPD in the rare event they want it. :) In most cases, you're still to an extent responsible/in control of your actions if you have a personality disorder. For instance I have thoughts of self harm but I don't act on them. I want to message people more than I do, but I don't etc.

I also have bipolar btw and yep I can be sexually disinhibited/exploited when hyper.

In summary: Someone can be more of a cunt/harder to be around if they're suffering from mental health problems.

People with personality disorders are usually still to an extent able to determine their own actions.

That would piss me off btw if I had a kid and they other parent said they wanted a break from parenthood. I'm sure you'd like a break sometimes too!

At least he was presumably honest when he said that, I suppose.

People with personality disorders are usually still to an extent able to determine their own actions

I agree but it does depend on the availability of appropriate support.

By "fault" what I meant was, no-one wakes up one day and chooses to have a personality disorder and maladaptive coping methods. Whereas lots of people choose arsehole behaviour because they are selfish bastards - entirely their own choosing. Sorry if I didn't make that clear, didn't mean to offend