Hand hold please, husband not sure he wants to remain married.

[mummabubs]

Hi all, I literally can't believe I'm in the position of writing this post but could just use a hand hold if that's OK.

Abridged version is: Known DH 7 years, been married for 3 and have a 2 year old DS. Seven months ago we were about 5 months into TTC #2 (had always discussed together about how we wanted two children since relatively early on in the relationship). DH suddenly told me that he no longer wanted 2 children and was happy with only having our DS- gave lots of reasons. This has been hard for me to adjust to and I've been very upset at the thought of our family not looking as we always thought it would. DH's position over a lot of things has felt chaotic since then- wanting another child, then not, wanting to move house, wanting to stay here, wanting to move 200 miles away to be closer to our families... In all honesty it's been exhausting to try and just keep going for me never knowing what he wanted.

Last night he came to bed and it emerged he doesn't think he wants to stay married. Says that he still loves me and feels utterly shit about the situation but he also wants to be by himself for a while and not have the pressures of marriage or parenting. Consequently I've had no sleep, feeling miserable one minute and then numb the next. Crying constantly. I've come into work (NHS frontline staff) but feel utterly useless.

I know there's not necessarily an 'answer' to the situation but I can't talk it through with friends (all mutual here) or family at this point, so think in my little pity bubble I just selfishly want someone to acknowledge that this is just crap. Thanks for reading.

The chumplady website is exactly what you need.
The other woman will come out of the woodwork soon enough.

He's made it clear he still wants to be involved with DS financially and practically even if the marriage is over.

That's big of him, isn't it?

This is reminding me of a friend of mine who told his wife last year that he no longer wanted to be married -- married for almost 20 years. There's no one else. I pointed out that he couldn't 'opt out' of parenting, and that in fact, given that his wife did the majority of the childcare and household stuff, sharing residency of their children 50/50 was going to mean his life was a lot busier and more child-focused than it was when he was living in the marital home.

He still went ahead and did it, but I suspect is finding the reality a lot less rosy than he anticipated.

There's usually another woman, she'll come out at some point. In the meantime take him at his word. He needs to sleep elsewhere! he doesn't get his cosy comforts after dumping all that shit on you.

I truly don't believe there is another woman for what it's worth. As much as I believe I know him and his values I don't think he'd have the inclination or opportunity (he's literally at work or at home 99% of the time)

Sorry but if I had just £1 for every time I’ve hear this then a ‘new girlfriend’ appeared (aka OW) kid be able to retire in style.

Brace yourself- his behaviour screams ‘affair’ he can’t own up to.

Im sorry you are going through this. Its unfair of him to stay he should leave then he can work it out. You’re in a state of limbo otherwise.

He cant have a break from parenting - life doesnt allow us to behave selfishly once we are parents!

Think about yourself here

Ahhhh apologies for my non understanding EKGEMS - maybe I needed more than just the link! Sorry again, I was overly sensitive.

I will honestly be so surprised if there is someone else (which I'm sure other people say too but I truly don't believe there is). I know he's struggled with the reality of being a parent of a newborn right from the start, which he feels guilty about. Let's face it, it's hard for everyone. Whereas I think most oiwolw recognise this and buckle down anyway DH has sort of given up - he lacks confidence and I'll be the first to say I've been quite critical when I perceive him as getting it 'wrong'.

I'm not trying to paint him as amazing and me as deserving of how he's communicated his feelings but I believe the problem lies in the relationship between us as opposed to being located within either of us alone.

Urgh another man who finds being a dad a few hours a day ‘challenging’. OP i imagine that actually this is somewhat of a turn off that he is looking at you to give him permission to go off and enjoy his freedom, as if you are some kind of jailer, leaving you with all the responsibility. If he does this to you and DS there will be No Way Back and you need to make this clear to him. Ending the marriage means he will have more space to focus on DS, not invest back in his own self.

It’s not v helpful for the sneery cynical “know all” posters to appear with their cold retorts, the usual suspects.

Hope you find a way to do what’s right for you OP.

Not directed at Menora.

just cross posted!

tell him you aren't sure either, so who's going to look after his child.
Dick head, him not you

I understand that you now feel responsible for this but I don’t think you should. Ok you have been a bit critical but essentially, you are raising a child with someone who isn’t able or willing to put all of his effort in. All of his crying is adding to how guilty and responsible you already are feeling as the only adult in this situation
You need to draw a clear line that his decisions are HIS and yours are yours

I think you need to do some discreet digging.

Feeling confused, needing space, saying he still cares but not enough to stay - all classic other woman signs.
He's actually going through the guilty stage where he's trying to justify his behaviour in his head.
A few more weeks and he'll be wrangling about money.
Protect yourself.
I've just read your post to my mum who has been through this.
She said 'he's got another woman.'

Sorry another one thinking there's more to this story 😏 reverse psychology. Your not feeling it either, how shall we proceed! Call his bluff and get smart and do some quite digging. Hugs x

He may not be having an affair OP but it could be there's another woman somewhere (at work?) who he is attracted to. That could be causing his confusion and dithering and he might want time out to decide which direction to follow.

I’d be inclined to obtain legal advice OP just in case he’s laying the ground work for a permanent split in order to pursue another relationship. It can’t harm to ascertain where you would stand in the event of divorce. You need to protect your interests, and your child’s. Prepare for the worst and if the worst doesn’t transpire, well, you’ve lost nothing except a few hours of your time. Good luck.

I'm NHS too OP, my husband blew hot and cold for 20 years and left and came back twice.
When he left the third time I told him under no circumstances would I allow him to come back as I'm not a mug.
He tried several times but I said, you leave, you don't come back.
I think it's time to get tough and not put up with this shit.
The times I cried with the misery of it over the years and it affected work and everything, you can't go on like this and it's time for ultimatums.
Good luck.

You'd be surprised how opportunistic people can be when they're having affairs and the amount of risks they will take.

Case: a couple at my work were known for shagging in the disabled loo and roof space.

There are lunchtimes and he may be taking time off that you're not aware of, phoning in sick etc.

I'd be absolutely gobsmacked if there's no ow. Do have a look at the chumplady website just to be prepared in case it turns out there is one.
Regardless of ow or not, get legal advice about your entitlement to marriage access and custody etc so you know what to expect in a divorce. He has been thinking about and preparing for splitting up for 6 months or more. You need to catch up so he doesn't have the advantage of being more clued up, better informed, more emotionally detached etc.

*marriage assets, not marriage access

Could you call his bluff. Sit down and say it might be for the best and perhaps it would do to both good. Ask him you are able to have your dc 4 days a week , and he can have them 3. That way you both get to have ' space ' .

Sounds really hard for you. Therapy sounds a good idea, even just a few sessions. Especially if you can’t talk to friends about it. Hope you’re ok

Just want to echo @TopOftheNaughtyList. Even a flirty attraction to someone at work could be enough to get some men thinking about how hard done by they are and how wonderful a relationship might be away from the day to day hardships of parenting.

Cherchez la femme!

The “temporarily” smacks of him hedging his bets so if it doesn’t work out with her he can come back to your warm bed.

They can always find time! Mine did - lunch breaks, took days off but played it to me he was still going to work, “worked” early and late...

Unfortunately the reality is men DO get to abdicate responsibility for children in this country - they even get praise for it!

Time for “ducks in a row” op. (All but one of these still apply whether there’s an ow or not)

1 Is your salary and any money for dc paid into a joint account? If so and you haven’t yet open an individual account WITH A SEPARATE BANK and arrange to have that money paid into there

2 gather all evidence of financial and legal matters - house deeds, bank accounts, insurances, passports etc

3 get legal advice

4 get a full sti screening

5 if it’s an issue make sure you have childcare in place that allows you to work full time

“He's made it clear he still wants to be involved with DS financially and practically even if the marriage is over.” DO NOT rely on his “word” for this.

Cms only backdate to initial date of claim so if you do split start a claim immediately - they have an option for you to agree it between yourselves anyway but it gets you that initial start date recorded.

You could do more digging. First thing I'd do is check his phone, if he's been wise enough to not use the usual call & text options he might be using WhatsApp or Instagram or other apps to communicate with her, are there pics of her in his photos? Again might not be on the main app but check if he's using Dropbox or similar photo vaults, is he making more effort with his appearance? Is he suddenly going to the gym or taken up running? Has he made a dental appointment when he's not due a check up and no toothache you know of? Changed hairdresser? Changed whether he is clean shaven or not? Have his bedroom habits changed (some want more sex some less, has he got "new tricks" it's the change that's significant)?

Hopefully we're wrong and he's merely having an existential wobble which can be remedied by therapy and communication. But I think you need to be prepared in case it's not

I'd be a bit suspicious of the other woman here too.

But I'd also have no time for someone who doesn't want the pressures of parenting. FFS that ship has sailed. Does he really mean he'd like you to take on ALL the pressures of parenting so he can have his crisis. I'd lose all respect for him.

In your situation, OP, I'd be so so tempted to tell him that you understand him completely as you feel the same and therefore you are heading off for 2 weeks to think about what you want out of life - being a mum, being a wife, being completely free. Who knows? But he shouldn't worry - you will always support your child financially and practically. Then go off for 2 weeks and see how he likes them apples.

But you won't because you will always put your child first.