Hand hold please, husband not sure he wants to remain married.

[mummabubs]

Hi all, I literally can't believe I'm in the position of writing this post but could just use a hand hold if that's OK.

Abridged version is: Known DH 7 years, been married for 3 and have a 2 year old DS. Seven months ago we were about 5 months into TTC #2 (had always discussed together about how we wanted two children since relatively early on in the relationship). DH suddenly told me that he no longer wanted 2 children and was happy with only having our DS- gave lots of reasons. This has been hard for me to adjust to and I've been very upset at the thought of our family not looking as we always thought it would. DH's position over a lot of things has felt chaotic since then- wanting another child, then not, wanting to move house, wanting to stay here, wanting to move 200 miles away to be closer to our families... In all honesty it's been exhausting to try and just keep going for me never knowing what he wanted.

Last night he came to bed and it emerged he doesn't think he wants to stay married. Says that he still loves me and feels utterly shit about the situation but he also wants to be by himself for a while and not have the pressures of marriage or parenting. Consequently I've had no sleep, feeling miserable one minute and then numb the next. Crying constantly. I've come into work (NHS frontline staff) but feel utterly useless.

I know there's not necessarily an 'answer' to the situation but I can't talk it through with friends (all mutual here) or family at this point, so think in my little pity bubble I just selfishly want someone to acknowledge that this is just crap. Thanks for reading.

He doesn't want the pressures of parenting? Well it's a bit bloody late now isn't it. I don't want the pressures of parenting, so I don't have any children! What an idiot! And it's an awful way to treat you and his child.

Is he still at home or has he gone elsewhere OP?

OP, whilst I agree that there could be another woman, your DH feeling overwhelmed and wanting to be away from everything also sounds like it could be depression. Men get PND too sometimes. If he does have it, he may not recognise it if he hasn't had it before. Even working in mental health it doesn't necessarily mean you are aware that your own is dipping.

How is his sleep, diet, aches and pains, all the physical symptoms of depression? Any there? If he is feeling numb then that can really affect bonding and also ability to play etc.

Why not encourage him to see the GP AND do some digging re another woman? I wouldn't be quite so quick to kick him out until I knew he wasn't mentally unwell.

Cherchez la femme, or the man. I’d put money on him playing away from home with someone.

He does not get to opt out of parenting HIS OWN child.
But I'd tell him to fuck off for now any way.
Are you working?
Could you get to family for some love and support?

Sorry OP, but I would put money on him having had his head turned.
He may not have cheated yet, but there is someone in the background.

Go to the chumplady website.
Also be prepared for the cheaters script.
It's all in THIS THREAD

Get practical.
Solicitor. Paperwork. CAB. Council etc......
Do not keep this to yourself.
You need some support right now so reach out and get it.

He has an OW or thinking about having a go on one. Be prepared.

Sorry, didn't want to not come back and thanks for all replies. We had a long discussion last night and I have to say I think you hit the nail on the head @SirChing. Without giving too many details away I watched my husband sob (I've never seen him cry apart from when our DS was born and even that was only for a few seconds). The summary is that he feels he's let our son and me down and failed as a husband and father. He felt we'd be better of without him. He panicked after saying he didn't want to stay married and says having that thought really scared him. He maintains that he loves me and our son but is finding it very difficult to cope with guilt and shame surrounding his difficulties in parenting. He doesn't want our marriage to end but felt it would be a kindness for me not to have to put up with him anymore.

I can imagine some will read the above and see that as further evidence of gaslighting or manipulation. I have no belief that there is anyone else, either as an affair or in principle. I'm so sorry that so many of you on this thread have had experiences similar to this which transpired to be an affair. I can completely understand why therefore many of you would advise me to suspect this or prepare for this as an outcome. I thank everyone for their concern, and I'd also like to remind us all that on Internet forums it's impossible to give all the ins and outs of relationships or people. As much as I know my husband and the many things that suddenly make complete sense under a mental health/wellbeing lens I truly believe he is really struggling and needs help. He's contacting a therapist (his suggestion, not mine).

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs there, the mumsnet app for android phones is bug central 🤦🏻‍♀️

He doesn't want our marriage to end but felt it would be a kindness for me not to have to put up with him anymore.

That must be so difficult to hear, OP. Particularly with your background in MH. Can you accompany him to a GP or whomever you would trust to screen him? It's good that he's contacting a therapist and I hope that this happens soon. In the interim, I hope that you have a GP/HCP who will assess whether he needs some support to manage anxiety or any other intrusive symptom.

Says that he still loves me and feels utterly shit about the situation but he also wants to be by himself for a while and not have the pressures of marriage or parenting

Does he realise that he can’t just send his child back to some shop? He is always a parent whether or not t he es a husband.

He’s a selfish child. And a total bastard. Not really worth your emotional energy and precious headspace.

Good grief

He sounds like an absolute plonker

I do hope it works out well for you and your DS , OP

I really do feel that you'd be better off without him and his self obsessed whinging and prevaricating - but that's a decision for you

I don't think he deserves you. He doesn't want "the pressures of parenting" yet he is already a parent. How tragic is that. End things, ask him to move out and get on with your life. Better things will come.

What has he actually done to improve his parenting confidence. Let’s face it, you’ve done the majority of the heavy lifting, so what is he finding difficult? Is the difficulty that he doesn’t want the responsibility and demands of a child? He can love the child that already exists but still not want the responsibility.

I don’t quite understand given his attitude about parenting from the beginning, why TTC was almost a go. It sounds like both of you have blinkers on about children. He clearly isn’t keen and you are. You have understandable expectations of him as a father that he clearly isn’t capable of fulfilling.

You might have to accept that your vision of family isn’t shared by your H. He needs to focus on his MH and have a plan to do with the situation he’s already in.

Op, thats great youve had a talk.

What has he actually done?

@mummabubs. I wanted to reach out as a guy and say when my wife had our DC I spiralled into a deep depression. I doubted myself, our marriage and my ability to be a parent. I had PND and subsequently had a breakdown. If you listen to a lot of posters on here I am selfish, a man child and not worth my wife putting up with. Following some of the advise you’ve been given she should have closed the door on me and kicked me out! Thankfully she didn’t. I got help with my GP, went into antidepressants and also saw a therapist. 2 years on I’m a lot better.

You said you work in mental health so I’m sure a lot of the comments in here simply wash over you. People gave been scorned for many reasons and it sometimes clouds their opinion into thinking everyone, or in this case all men, must be the same. None of us know you or you DH so cannot truely know what is going on in your relationship or his head, but based on what you have said he sounds depressed and some of what you said resonates with me. I would suggest he sees a doctor if his councillor doesn’t help and take baby steps to getting better. I would suggest any talk of TTC is shelved for a while and the discussion is had when he is feeling better.

This is very hard on you .It seems as though he is taking small steps to come away from the marriage really .I hate to say this but usually men dont often walk away without another woman being involved .I think you should concentrate on your own DC and let him move out .So many men cant seem to accept that they have responsiblities and rush off to OW for "comfort"!

As much as I believe I know him and his values I don't think he'd have the inclination or opportunity

But obviously you didn't know him as his behaviour as shown ....

@R2519 what a brilliant response and I'm sure what @mummabubs needs to hear. Good luck OP hope he gets the help he needs

Just caught your latest post .Hopefully we were wrong and no OW then ! Concentrate on trying to support him ,and with his counselling and you alongside he may start to feel better .I do wonder if we have an idealised version of parenting here ,as R2519 gives us a valued insight into how many men may feel .They are often treated as though nothing has changed for them and in reality everything has!

Thank you so much for sharing your story @R2519. I definitely don't view my husband in the way that a lot of comments have suggested I should. I have felt frustrated in the past with his attitude to parenting but until our recent talk I believed he didn't care and simply couldn't be bothered. I still feel frustrated/sad that this has been his journey in being a parent so far but having seen how much it's affected him my feelings are around supporting him. I know he is normally a very kind and caring person, he's just lost his way a bit over the last couple of years.

Just make sure that YOU are also adequately supported, OP. When situations like this occur, so many people pour all their support into their DP, to get things back on track, and your DP will get lots of external support from agencies (if he engages).

Don't let yourself get left out in the cold, literally holding the baby, whilst he gets treatment. Shore up your own resources too.

Pressure of parenting? Why do men think they can come and go as they please?! That seriously pisses me off.

His behaviour screams of guilt to me. I think things will start coming out in time. I’m sorry, op.

Just make sure that YOU are also adequately supported, OP. When situations like this occur, so many people pour all their support into their DP, to get things back on track, and your DP will get lots of external support from agencies (if he engages)

This!!!

I see so many women (it's rarely the husbands) pour their energy into supporting husbands who don't or won't take emotional responsibility for themselves, or grow up emotionally.

These wives end up walking on eggshells, using precious mental & emotional energy trying to second guess someone who is basically being very self-centred. I rarely see it going the other way.

In troubled or rocky times, that is.

I doubted myself, our marriage and my ability to be a parent

But you know what R2519 - mothers don't generally have the luxury of dropping out of parenting, even if they deeply doubt themselves. They have to keep on going because a tiny human relies on them.

You sought help and engaged with it, and owned your emotional self. That is wonderful to hear & I wish more men would do this.

BUt you did this without having been through the extraordinary physical stress of pregnancy, labour, and intensive infant care. And if you had left, and "given up" on parenting and marriage, you'd have been condoned by a culture which allows men to get away almost scot free from families they are equally involved in creating.

So I think you need to temper your scorn for some of the responses here.

It is so wonderful to hear someone so articulate wanting to actually support their DH and their relationship, whilst being respectful of others experiences and opinions. Well done you! Poor man and poor you. Adjusting to being a parent is so tricky and even I still have moments where I go into shock that I’m actually a mum! That’s after carrying two babies for 9 months each And having a whole career in childcare ! I can’t imagine how challenging it must be to have no childcare experience and just be dropped into being a parent. You’re doing the right thing for you, the people you love and your family. Keep trying and see where it goes, set expectations and boundaries and levels of support he and you may need xxx