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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my SIL?

61 replies

Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 07:51

My 'D'B has been having an affair for about a year. He recently left his wife and she doesn't know about the OW. He's being all kinds of horrible, rewriting history, telling everyone she is abusive and trashing her to anyone who will listen. In the meantime he is cosying up to the OW and trying to casually introduce her into the family as a friend. This has all happened very fast.

Meanwhile SIL doesn't know anything about OW and thinks its all her fault. Poor woman is in distress and is desperately trying to get him back. He's also starting to get the kids onside saying he wasn't happy, poor dad deserves to be happy. Its heart breaking to watch the manipulation knowing what's really going on.

I'm disgusted at his behaviour and have told him so. I want to tell SIL the truth but I cannot do it directly as the fall out would cause massive wider impact (can't go into details so please trust me on this).

This woman needs to know the truth as her mental health is suffering. What can I do?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/01/2020 07:58

What options do you think you have? Because it seems obvious that unless you tell her directly, that is in person, you tell her anonymously.

I would assume you have considered this and you aren’t convinced either. That’s the nub of your issue.

The other option is to have it out with your brother.

BuddhaAtSea · 13/01/2020 08:00

If that was my brother, I’d give him a day to tell her himself, or I’ll do it. And my brother is my best friend, so not saying this lightly.

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:01

I have had it out with him but it's pointless. He is so selfish he can't see past his own happiness.

If I were to do it anonymously how could I do it? Probably a really obvious way but I'm not seeing the wood for the trees right now.

Do you agree its the right thing to do? Or should i stay out of it? I hate seeing her in distress thinking its all her fault Sad

OP posts:
criminalweetabix · 13/01/2020 08:01

It's a tricky one. I think you should tell her but then you have the fallout from the family. Try and tell her anonymously on social media or get someone to write a letter?

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:03

I can't force his hand as much as I'd like to. I'm sorry for being cryptic but it really isn't an option. I have told him exactly what I think tho

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:04

How would you do it anonymously via SM? Sorry if I'm being thick but not done anything like this before

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 13/01/2020 08:06

What a turd! I’m sorry I know he’s your brother.

She needs to know the truth and I think you should tell her directly. An anonymous SM message could be taken as someone shit stirring.

chamenanged · 13/01/2020 08:08

If you tell her anonymously she'll assume it was the OW. I'd do that. Obviously the OW herself will know differently, but who'd believe a word out of her mouth? Wink

Tartyflette · 13/01/2020 08:10

There's going to be a massive family fall-out when she realises you all knew about the affair anyway.
It sounds as if she really needs some support now - doesn't she need to know that he is saying she is abusive and trashing her to family and friends when it's simply not true?
I think it would be kind to at least tell her about that and reassure her that it's not her fault in any way and that you support her, not your DB. She may then put two and two together and come up with the answer. But even if she doesn't she needs a friend. Poor woman.

PixieDustt · 13/01/2020 08:12

No she should know.
Her mental health is being effected by this and your DB is making it worse and making her look like the crazy one.
What a spiteful little man.
You could just make a fake account or a fake email if you know she checks her emails?

KnickerBockerAndrew · 13/01/2020 08:22

I'd write a letter or email, and just be as kind as possible, reiterating that it's not her fault at all.
One thing... Are you absolutely certain that your brother is 100% lying about everything when he talks about what his marriage was like? Understandably your sympathies are with his wife, but having been in a similar situation myself, I placed my sympathies in the wrong place entirely, and regret it all the time.

LemonTT · 13/01/2020 08:22

Given the OP has already made her feelings clear to her brother, the anonymous reveal will be most likely attributed to her not the ow.

To do it by SM, you need to set up a fake account.
To do it by post, print it out and put in a printed envelope

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:25

It's not about the massive family fall out that I cannot tell her directly. Please take my word for it I can't do it directly. Very complex situation with a huge impact on others.

Once the cat is out of the bag then I will absolutely support her 100%

That's what i was worried about doing it anonymously, it being taken seriously or just taken as shit stirring.

OP posts:
Yeahnah2020 · 13/01/2020 08:25

Why are you so concerned about doing it anonymously? It seems to me you are more concerned about yourself and fall out YOU might experience, than being concerned for your poor ex SIL.

Sparkle567 · 13/01/2020 08:25

I personally wouldn’t tell her. She will find out soon enough anyway.
Even if I didn’t agree with something my DB was doing I wouldn’t throw him under a bus.

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:27

I'm as certain as I can be that she wasn't as bad as he is making out. But who knows?

I know that he and the OW have screwed her over for the last year, that I do know for a fact.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 13/01/2020 08:29

Id tell them all. Every time he lied id say Actually, since you had a mistress at the time...

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 08:29

So it's okay for him to throw her under a bus and manipulate his kids against their mum Hmm

OP posts:
OldTownRoadHome · 13/01/2020 08:33

Do you know any of her friends? I’d drop a word in one of their ears, explain the situation, say you have to stay out of it but she needs to know.

MollyButton · 13/01/2020 08:35

If you have to do it anonymously. Then can you get a photo or photos of him and the new woman being all cosy? And get this posted to her/through her door. Maybe with links to sites such as the ChumpLady one?

Sparkle567 · 13/01/2020 08:35

No but he’s your brother.🤷🏼‍♀️
Suppose I feel differently about my family then you do.

CoffeeConnoiseur · 13/01/2020 08:37

Tell her yourself, or keep your beak out.

Anonymously is crap - what is she has questions? Wants proof?

You say she's in distress, how is dropping this anonymous shit bomb into her life gong to help her? She probably already doesn't know which way is up, and who to trust, and you're going to cause a whole load more distress. What if she doesn't believe it? Thinks it's malicious?

Have the decency to do it face to face with answers and explanations. Don't be a coward.

Your relationship with her is up shit street anyway when she finds out you all knew. At least telling her yourself gives you a chance to savage it.

Thehollyandtheirony · 13/01/2020 08:43

Set up a fake Facebook account and message her on there. That way she can come back and ask any questions and you can respond.
If you send an anonymous letter by post, there will be no feedback.

ChuckleBuckles · 13/01/2020 08:47

Tell her yourself, or keep your beak out

I agree with this, all this dithering about while your darling brother wrecks this woman's reputation, telling people she is abusive, damaging her mental health, manipulating children and all the family sitting on the sidelines watching this play out.

What do you think the end result is going to be? Best case scenario this woman ends up an emotional wreck and struggles with her mental health, worse case scenario some busybody get wind of the "abusive" storyline and reports her to SS as potentially being a threat to her kids and then that opens up a brand new can of worms. Your brother is a selfish twat.

Opaljewel · 13/01/2020 08:48

Definitely tell her in anyway you can. That way she can do what she chooses with the information and what she does with it. I know that most people would want to know, even if it hurt them. Just make a fake email address and set up a fake fb account from it or send an email from the fake account. Up to you but end her torment please.