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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my SIL?

61 replies

Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 07:51

My 'D'B has been having an affair for about a year. He recently left his wife and she doesn't know about the OW. He's being all kinds of horrible, rewriting history, telling everyone she is abusive and trashing her to anyone who will listen. In the meantime he is cosying up to the OW and trying to casually introduce her into the family as a friend. This has all happened very fast.

Meanwhile SIL doesn't know anything about OW and thinks its all her fault. Poor woman is in distress and is desperately trying to get him back. He's also starting to get the kids onside saying he wasn't happy, poor dad deserves to be happy. Its heart breaking to watch the manipulation knowing what's really going on.

I'm disgusted at his behaviour and have told him so. I want to tell SIL the truth but I cannot do it directly as the fall out would cause massive wider impact (can't go into details so please trust me on this).

This woman needs to know the truth as her mental health is suffering. What can I do?

OP posts:
Amaretto · 13/01/2020 08:51

You need to tell her.
Hard to say wo knowing if you can actually do it yourself or not. If you can’t do it yourself, maybe someone else doing it rather than letting the cat out of the bad anonymously would be better. In part, because doing so will make you less reliable. Your dbro might well just convince him it’s someone who is trying t9 get at it and there is nothing to see!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/01/2020 08:53

I agree - tell her directly or don't tell her at all.

An anonymous letter won't do her MH any good and all you'll do is make things worse for her.

If she finds out about OW, she'll know you knew. Then you risk losing contact with your nieces and nephews too.

There's no reason you can't tell her directly, you just don't want to have to deal with the fallout, which is understandable but not fair on her.

ohwheniknow · 13/01/2020 08:56

I'm horrified you've stood by and allowed him to spread such malicious and damaging lies about her.

It's not just her distress it's the damage it's causing her children and her relationship with them.

An anonymous note will not have any effect.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/01/2020 08:57

If you tell her anonymously is there not a risk that your brother will suspect/accuse you anyway. If you really cannot tell her yourself, you should think very carefully about doing it anonymously too. Your brother knows what you think. Surely he will consider that you might be the sender?

ClaraLane · 13/01/2020 09:02

Can’t you write her a letter and put it through her door? Or post it to her? You don’t have to sign it.

Starlight39 · 13/01/2020 09:06

I think you need to do something, you can’t stand by and let this behaviour towards her go unchecked. For the children’s sake if nothing else.

I’d write an anonymous letter, stating things that only someone close to the situation would know. Include details so that she will believe it but details that several people know so it’s not too obvious it’s you. Either that or write the same letter but to her mum or someone close to her.

Well done for wanting to do something, nobody deserves to be treated like that and so many people turn a blind eye or close ranks/collude with the whole thing.

BerylReader · 13/01/2020 09:13

Can you send her a link (anonymously/ get a friend to) to the script that is often on here or a link to the different ways men abuse? They’re often mentioned on the site but for the life of me can’t think what they’re called at the moment. She may read them and be able to come to her own conclusions. She’ll probably realise that this ‘friend’ has been around for a while.

diddl · 13/01/2020 09:15

Why does she think that it's all her fault?

If he wasn't happy then he wasn't &that's fair enough.

SIL isn't responsible for making him happy.

Only her fault if she was deliberately making him unhappy.

So SIL is begging him to come back & he's already screwing someone else?

How can you all know that he's treating her like shit & say nothing?

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 09:17

I have not stood by and let him trash her! I have been extremely vocal in countering the BS being spouted and have poured a bucket of cold water over all the gaslighting. No one in our family is buying his version at all.

I cannot tell you why I cannot tell her directly it would be extremely outing. Its not about being a coward, there are other people at stake. I will not go into this aspect further so please accept this is not an option.

This is not my doing this bombshell has landed on me too and I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can. I'm sure perfect people would know exactly what to do but I don't. This is real life not just words on a screen.

I am losing sleep and in tears over this so please remember that when you berate me.

I honestly just want to put the poor woman out of her misery. Thanks to those who have been supportive Flowers

OP posts:
diddl · 13/01/2020 09:22

"I honestly just want to put the poor woman out of her misery""

Then do so!

When I discovered by husband's affair one of the worst things was that people who I thought were my friends knew & said nothing.

Thought that it was OK to say nothing as it would soon be over.

Advised me to get pregnant as they knew how badly he wanted kids.
(Thank fuck I didn't as we would have been pregnant at the same time!)

MadamePewter · 13/01/2020 09:25

You should tell her. But please don’t do so anonymously. I got an anonymous message and whilst I was glad I wasn’t mad I am plagued by who sent it years later. I didn’t know who to trust/look at; who had that power over my life?

Just tell her. Imagine if it were you

weasledee · 13/01/2020 09:26

My only thought is will she come and tell you she has received a letter? Will you be able to hide your guilt as the writer?
Also are you going to act surprised about the OW or admit you knew? Will that cause problems between the two of you?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/01/2020 09:29

@Howdoitellher if you sent me an anonymous letter I'd worry about where it's come from, whether there's any truth in it, who the woman was, why I wasn't good enough.

You owe her to tell her face to face whether it'll upset other people or not.

If you can't do that then don't tell her at all.

Original poster
Howdoitellher · 13/01/2020 09:32

I'm so sorry for those who have been on the other side of this. It's the thought of what you went through and what she is going through that is torturing me at night.

I think I've got my answer. Will see what happens

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 13/01/2020 09:36

You know she's needs to be told. That's good.

You are worried about the wider impact if you are the person that tells her

Anonymously isn't really a good solution

Therefore you need to find a way to mitigate the wider impact and you tell her.

It's the only solution. As it is your brother who is cheating I think you give him a deadline so that if he doesn't tell by a certain date/time then you will.

You have already been defending your SIL within the family. This is the next logical step. Get family support without going into details.
e.g. I need you to trust me all....

SandyY2K · 13/01/2020 09:38

Tell her this isn't her fault and the two people in the marriage have shared responsibility for it's demise. She cannot think it's all on her.

You could create a fake email account and let her know that way.

It's one thing for him to be having an affair, but slagging her off is awful. Above all, he needs to act in the best interests of his children.

If I was in your position and met the OW... I'd make it known that I wasn't impressed with my brother having an affair.

I'm not going to cosy up with her at all.

BlouseAndSkirt · 13/01/2020 09:41

This is really horrible for you.

Can you tell her, but tell other family members that you are doing so so that they can also be prepared to support her?

I am usually one to say ‘stay out’ of other people’s business but she needs to know.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2020 09:44

you just don't want to have to deal with the fallout, which is understandable

This is a very good reason not to tell her directly. Why should the OP have to deal with the fallout.

Another method to avoid any electronic footprint, is a letter type and sent to her home address (addresse only) via special delivery.

Anonymous letters like this should contain irrefutable facts...not vague wishy washy information.

I've known it be done, as though it came from a friend of the OW.

Hanab · 13/01/2020 09:46

Tell
Her in anyway possible ! Jeez! He is painting her in a very bad light! Brother or not he is a coward!

diddl · 13/01/2020 09:50

So you & your family know he is talking shit-so the fallout won't be from them?

So is it from her?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/01/2020 09:51

Look, you know that whatever is stopping you will hapen anyway. Once she knows the hurt you are tryring to avoid WILL HAPPEN. And she will have additional pain because she has been kept in the dark for so long.

I've been almost where you are and I bit the bullett and told her. After a few years of understandable distance we now have a comfortable friendship again and everyone involved has moved on.

Shit will hit the fan. You have to work out which you can live with most: telling her and copping the fallout or not telling and watching her struggle with the whys and wherefores.... until she finds out and feels utterly isolated by you all!

NewDOOFUSfor20 · 13/01/2020 09:54

I've been in this exact position but, for me, it was a no brainer and I told SIL straight. The turmoil she was going through at the time was too awful, my brother was turning everybody against her and making them believe she was the most vile person....all this while she was nursing their 6 week old baby. Hearing her heart shatter into a million pieces down the phone was too much for me to bear so I told her everything I knew. I won't lie, it caused hell up within my family. My parents appear to be morally bankrupt and gave me shit for a couple of years, couldn't believe how I could 'wrong' my brother in such a way (whilst fawning over how "brave" my brother was during the fallout 🙄) but I honestly don't regret a thing. My sil went on to kick my brother out and absolutely bloomed, for her life in order and has done things I'm so proud of.
It's been 18 years since I spoke to my brother, 18 years since he saw his child (that's right, the slimy bastard walked out on his child and not once made any effort to see him), my parents haven't seen their grandchild. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! I have the most amazing relationship with both my DN and my sil and have no desire to speak to my brother who behaved in the most vile way. My parents STILL don't see what he did wrong, blame her for "trapping" him (there is more backstory to this but I won't bore you with it) with the baby.
If you can deal with the fallout then tell her, but tell her yourself and not in a snakey way.

KatherineJaneway · 13/01/2020 10:07

Do you have proof? If so, send her an anonymous letter enclosing the proof.

Noshowlomo · 13/01/2020 10:13

I’d set up a fake email and send an email and make out your one of HER friends but don’t give it away. That way they’ll think they’ve been betrayed by someone she knows. Do the whole “I don’t know you but from what she’s saying it’s been going on for ages. It’s happened to me so I felt I should tell you, especially as I’ve heard you’re a good person”.

aSofaNearYou · 13/01/2020 10:39

Tbh without knowing the context of what your brother is like and whether he has form for gas lighting etc, I wouldn't be too quick to assume what he is saying isn't true. She should know about the affair, yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean the other things he is saying aren't true. That's not to excuse the affair, but I would be wary of painting her as a saint in your mind, it's probably more complex than that.

You're being very cryptic about why most of the obvious options aren't available to you, so it's a little hard to advise, because the obvious thing to do is to tell your brother you aren't laying the blame anywhere and it's not your business, but you aren't willing to be complicit in lying to her face so he needs to tell her or you will have to.